


A Matter of Identity

by Maisie_top_trash



Category: Twenty One Pilots
Genre: Baseball, Dissociative Identity Disorder, Dyslexia, F/M, He's hella rich too, High School AU, Historical sexual abuse, Josh Is The New Kid, Please Be careful, Rape Recovery, Recovery, Rich!Josh, Self Harm, mental health
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-05-05
Updated: 2017-05-20
Packaged: 2018-10-28 08:58:57
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 18
Words: 77,235
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10828023
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Maisie_top_trash/pseuds/Maisie_top_trash
Summary: 2 years on from the trauma, Tyler's doing well. Except he's not just Tyler anymore.Josh joins the school, rich, good at baseball, really good at baseball, but unable to read.Chaos ensues.SEQUEL





	1. Chapter 1

"Tyler! Time for school darling!" Kelly called from the hallway, then smiled as she heard the sound of a book being thrown at the wall. "Sorry Andrew, good morning, time for school sweetie."  
"FUCK OFF KELLY!"  
"Andrew Jenna's gonna be here in 10, can you get dressed so Tyler can be on time today please?"  
"FUCK YOU!" They screamed from their bedroom before continuing in the more soft and familiar tone of her son. "Sorry Mom, 10 minutes yeah?"  
"S'alright sweetheart, and yep. Meds are on the counter in the kitchen, remember today is dosage increase day."  
"Thanks, we love you,"  
"Love you too, all of you, even Andrew you cheeky man."

With that Kelly walked down the corridor to check her other kids hadn't fallen back asleep on the gloomy Monday morning, and Tyler rolled out of bed and staggered over to the mirror on the door of their closet.

It was easy to look at their reflection when he was fronting, who he was in their mind matched the person who was looking back at them. However the mirror could be their worst nightmare if one of the others was fronting and began to freak out when Tyler's fluff of brown hair wasn't the same black curls that Johnny had or the brown eyes weren't Blurry's red orbs. Freakouts were bad, so Tyler always took the mirror.

They opened the door and pushed aside all of the other alters' sections on the rack, instead reaching out and grabbing a plain tee and black skinny jeans from Tyler's segment which took less than a minute to replace their pyjamas with. It was a fairly safe outfit for all of them.

Johnny had packed their school bag the night before so Tyler didn't really have much else to do other than make their bed again and tease the smallest smear of product through their hair. In Tyler's opinion teeth brushing always came after breakfast, the others didn't agree but the others weren't in control, he was, so they picked up their bag and jogged down into the kitchen.

"Tyler?" Their dad looked up from his newspaper as they entered and poured themselves a glass of water to take their meds with.  
"Yeh it's me." They nodded, knowing he still couldn't tell them apart in spite of having other alters for almost 2 years now.

"Mom says to remind you that the doctor wants you to take an extra pill today."  
"Yeh she said earlier, thanks."  
"Good kid, no, wait, am I supposed to says kids?"  
"Just kid is fine Dad." Tyler told him after gulping down the pills then filling a bowl with cereal and topping it up with milk from the fridge.

"How long you at school today?"  
"All day but Monday I go to 4 of my 6 classes." Tyler reminded their dad, thankful he was at least attempting to take an interest in their reduced timetable.  
"Got some stuff to do in your frees? A book or something?"  
"Miss Draper sets me things, sometimes it's reading," they shrugged as they began to eat.  
"She's head of pastoral support?"  
"She's the head of our support team, not for the whole school."  
"Ah okay, gotcha, so what else she got you doing other than reading?"  
"Sometimes simplified classwork, usually therapeutic type stuff."

"Morning Dad, morning Ty," Zack yawned as he entered the kitchen too.  
"Hey,"  
"Good morning kiddo, you're looking mighty fine today, that jacket suits you." Dad smiled as he admired Zack's varsity basketball jacket, their younger brother having made the team despite being a sophomore. Zack was the only guy from his year to be awarded the honour and to say their dad was proud was an understatement. And although Tyler and the rest of the system were proud of him, it was admittedly not the only emotion stirred up. Tyler knew he could have succeeded on the team, he just wished the other alters had the same goal in mind. But nope, they didn't care about basketball, and that meant they didn't train anywhere near enough to make Dad as proud as he was of Zack. So jealousy also panged deep in their chest.

"Coach wants me to play ball at his house with his son after school tonight, that alright with you?" Zack asked as he put bread in the toaster.  
"Course. Coach's kid, that's Justin right? The senior captain?"  
"Yep."  
"Wow that's cool, reckon you could take him?"  
"He's 2 years older than me Dad."  
"But you can take him?"  
"Yeah I can take him." He nodded with a smirk and their dad laughed proudly.  
"That's my boy." Dad cheered with a grin before remembering that Tyler was also stood in the room watching their bond enviously.

"Why don't you take your brother too?"  
"Uh Dad, you're supposed to say sibling." Zack said, giving them a slightly uncomfortable glance that made Tyler wish the floor would swallow them up whole.  
"We prefer sibling, but uh, but brother's fine I guess. Don't worry though Zack, you don't have to bring us."  
"I mean I'll see if I can get you invited if you want to come, just, yanno, Justin's reaaaally good and-"  
"And we're not, we get it, it's fine. We're gonna go wait on the porch for Jenna to pick us up." Tyler told them, putting their bowl by the sink.  
"Alright, have a good day son- um," Dad tried to bid them farewell but Tyler didn't stick around long enough to hear how he was going to get himself out of the sticky situation.

The start to the morning was pretty standard. Mom being loving and genuinely making them feel understood. Dad undoing that with careless slips of his tongue. Zack salting the wound by showing he knew what to do and yet still finding a way to make them feel crap about themselves.

Tyler sighed and rubbed their face before sitting on the step to watch the road. He was okay, used to it, considered that a fairly mild morning actually, but James was crying - it didn't take much to set him off. Everyone else was working together to calm the youngest alter down and reassure him, and in a way it made Tyler proud. It was rare for the system to work as one.

"Morning guys, coming?" they heard Jenna call and realised that her car had pulled up without them realising. Instantly they smiled and grabbed their rucksack then jogged to their girlfriend's passenger seat and climbed in. They leant across and pecked her on the lips then buckled in as she began to move again.

"You're outside, what did they do this time?"  
"Basketball stuff."  
"Again," she sighed disapprovingly. "I don't get it, I mean it's just a damn pigskin, why do they have to go on and on about it?"  
"That's a football babe," Tyler laughed, "and hey, it's me fronting, I happen to like basketball."  
"I know it's you Ty, you're the only one who kisses me."

"Andrew woke up this morning."  
"Oh yeah? Pleasant and respectful as ever?" She asked with a knowing grin that made Tyler smile too.  
"Ah Jen, you just know us so well. He was a delight."  
"He listening now?"  
"Nah, he's talking to James."  
"Alright well make sure he knows I'm joking, I love him him really." Jenna smile and Ty smiled back gratefully. "Is James upset?"  
"A little,"  
"Do you want to let him front and use some of his toys? I'm presuming Johnny packed them."  
"We've got some of his cars with us but everyone else seems to be doing a good job of calming him down whilst letting me front."  
"Oh that's lovely Ty, I'm so pleased everyone's being helpful today."  
"Me too, feeling good."  
"Yay!"

"How about you? You okay?"  
"Yeah I'm good thanks darling," their girlfriend replied as she indicated and turned down the road. "And before I forget, I've got a little present for Cassie."  
"Cassie? You didn't have to do that Jen,"  
"It's nothing big, just that bag on the backseat. It's got a bunch of my old nail polishes in, I was sorting through my drawer last night and there were a load of colours that I just won't wear again, thought she might appreciate them? Yanno, self care and everything? I hoped it might help her realise I care about her."  
"Jen that's so thoughtful." Tyler genuinely felt blown away and reached to pick up the canvas bag. They opened it up and searched through the 2 dozen bottles, choosing an electric blue and a subtle pearly pink as the best.

"Does she like them?" Jenna asked and Tyler closed their eyes to listen. Usually it was easy to hear through the noise, especially since she was the only female alter, but with James still crying and everyone else hushing or murmuring to him it was a little difficult for him to attract her attention to the polishes. She wasn't the easiest to focus at the best of times, but eventually Tyler tuned into her stream and listened to her quiet mutterings.

"It's okay if she doesn't."  
"Urmm, no, no she does,"  
"But she doesn't think she deserves them?" Jenna guessed correctly.  
"Yeah basically."  
"Well she does deserve them Ty, she's amazing and she deserves a little girl time now and then. If you're feeling safe enough to let her front later then I'd love to paint her nails, or anything else she'd like to do." She offered and Tyler felt lucky to have such an amazing girlfriend.  
"Thank you beautiful."  
"Anything for you guys, you're my favourite people in the whole world."

 

 

"Hello Ty, how can I help?"  
"Hi, is Miss Draper in?" Tyler asked the old woman who worked the desk at student services.  
"She's just on the phone right now but she shouldn't be too much longer, do you want to wait just over there and I'll let you know when she's available?"  
"Thank you Mrs Dents." They nodded then sat down on the brown padded chair against the wall in the corner and began to read the overfamiliar posters opposite. They were changed every blue moon but honestly Tyler didn't mind, the consistency of the posters was a reliable source of stability that they needed at times.

On the far left was the Internet safety one, bold white print layered on top of the dark blue background, spouting out useful facts about how computers will definitely 100% get you kidnapped. The middle poster advertised the school counsellor and all the services on offer - mostly showing off how great they were at harbouring uni prospectuses and directing you towards the one you already knew you were heading towards. There were no services for kids with DID. And last but not least was a cheery rainbow picture with a single sentence in comic sans instructing you not to kill yourself. I mean if that didn't save your life then nothing would.

Despite Tyler's cynical mental remarks regarding the posters, they were familiar and well intentioned and they were most definitely not the worst thing about high school.

"Hey, want to come through?" Miss Draper poked her head around the door and Tyler stood up, following her into the office they were so at home in, instantly settling on the chair they always did. She sat the other side of her messy desk and smiled at them.

"Sorry to keep you waiting, we're in the middle of receiving a new family of 4 siblings and it's proving rather complex,"  
"Isn't that the admissions office's job?"  
"Three of the siblings started today and admissions dealt with them independently. Oldest has got additional needs, hence where I come in, and I'm still trying to figure out the best course of action. But enough about him, how are you?"  
"I'm well thank you,"  
"And you're Tyler?" The sweet-smelling woman asked the inevitable question.  
"Yeh. Johnny took the lead in my history class but otherwise it's been me today."  
"Johnny did? Who's decision was that?"  
"Joint. I wasn't feeling confident about the class and he offered to take over, so I took him up on it." Tyler explained.  
"Not confident?" She echoed with a look of genuine concern on her face, eager to learn more.

"Yeah I guess, it's just, it's hard you know? Trying to remember all the dates and names and not get mixed up and confused, risk making a fool of us."  
"Is that Mr Slater's history class?"  
"Uh huh." They nodded.  
"Okay well I'll get his lesson plans so we can work through it during your learning support periods and if you'd like then I can arrange revision sessions with just your system and him?"  
"Honestly Miss, it's fine, Johnny can cope much better than I can with big chunks of information."  
"Remember what we said though Tyler, we want you as host to be attending as many classes as possible this semester to give you the best odds going into finals." She told them before adding. "But if falling back on Johnny is preventing a breakdown then I'd prefer you do that."  
"We'll see, thank you."  
"I will talk to Mr Slater though, discuss pacing with him?"  
"I'd appreciate that, thank you." Tyler nodded honestly.

"Miss Draper," they began again as the woman scribbled notes on the task.  
"Mmm,"  
"Those new kids, are they in our classes? We don't like change."  
"Well only the eldest is in your year and I'm sure I can work my magic and see what I can do to keep your class group the same as it always has been."  
"Thank you. And Miss Draper?"  
"Yeah?"  
"What's wrong with the eldest?"  
"Tyler you know I'm not at liberty to discuss other students with you."  
"He's not a student of yours though."  
"But he will be on Wednesday. You wouldn't like it if I started sharing your business with other people,"  
"Everyone in the school knows my business." Tyler huffed.

"If you choose to share details of your condition with your peers then that's your choice, and I commend you for that. However that doesn't mean everyone wants to follow in your footsteps."  
"We told our peers, some of our peers just happened to not be very good at knowing boundaries. Kids gossip."  
"And how have people been treating you recently?"  
"Ryan pushed us down on Friday but otherwise good thank you,"  
"Alright, want me to stick him in isolation for a day?"  
"Nah it's okay, didn't hurt." Tyler said honestly.  
"I'll pay him a visit later and have a little word, then give him a week's detention."  
"Won't change anything, never does." They shrugged.  
"He'll get the message eventually, you've just got to keep reporting him and I'll keep punishing him and one day the lightbulb will go off and he'll leave you guys alone."  
"If you say so Miss," they laughed, not believing her but not feeling overly bothered by it.

"How was your weekend?"  
"It was nice thank you. Our cousins came to visit on Saturday and James came out to play with them."  
"How old are they?"  
"4 and 6, so James had a lot of fun being with boys his own age. Played cars for almost an hour."  
"Oh wow, that sounds lovely for him. An hour is a long time for him to front isn't it?"  
"Yeah he gets shy and spooked, but our mom was there too and she looked after him and made us feel safe, so he managed an hour before Johnny took over to give him a break." Tyler explained.  
"Mom's been good this weekend then?"  
"Yeh,"  
"How about Dad?"  
"He got in an argument with Andrew and they had a screaming row on Friday night which unsettled us all."  
"I'm sorry Tyler, can you tell me what it was about?"  
"Johnny promised to mow the lawn but Andrew took over before we got a chance and started playing Xbox instead. Dad didn't realise we had switched and started nagging us, Mom stepped in to protect us but Dad just turned on her instead so Andrew got really provoked and agitated and blew up at him."  
"Right," the support worker listened intently.  
"Johnny eventually calmed Andrew down and then I took over and apologised to Dad and we mowed the lawn and it was all good."  
"Well I'm pleased you managed to resolve the issue by yourself, well done."  
"Yourselves,"  
"Huh?"  
"Yourself is singular."  
"Oh of course, sorry guys, yourselves. I didn't mean anything by it." She apologised and they trusted that she was telling the truth.

"So we've got an hour until lunch, I've got some things lined up for now but have you got any plans for lunch?"  
"Canteen with Jenna, Mark and Brad."  
"You gonna be okay in the canteen? Monday's are always noisy and you didn't like it last week."  
"Yeah no we know, we think we're okay."  
"Alright well I'll be in the learning support room all lunch with the usual group, you're welcome to come and join us if you feel overwhelmed at all. Doesn't matter which alter."  
"Thank you," Tyler smiled gratefully.

"Should we go set you up for this period? I've got the math work you all missed when you were at your psych appointment on Thursday and Mr Drew has offered to run through it with you tomorrow during your learning support periods if any of it is a struggle."  
"Mr Drew doesn't teach us."  
"No, but he's head of math, he's just as qualified as Mrs Walker and he's worked with lots of other students with additional needs for me. I'm sure he'll look after you."  
"But we like Mrs Walker."  
"She teaches classes every period tomorrow. If you can wait until Wednesday then I might be able to grab her then instead?" She offered.  
"Miss Draper, Johnny understands math, can't he just do it?"  
"Remember the meeting with Dr Leary, Mr Sleet and your mom? We want you to problem solve for yourself rather than always switching to Johnny at every turn. Can you please try doing this math for me Tyler?"  
"Um, okay, yeah okay I'll try." They nodded and Miss Draper smiled then got out their file and located the sheets for Tyler to take to the special classroom which was also within student services. Special classroom for special kids.

Tyler didn't want to do math, he didn't do well with numbers and logic problems and right and wrong answers. He preferred interpretations and opinions and beauty in words. So, in spite of what he told Miss Draper, he was going to let Johnny front and complete the hour of quadratics. Johnny liked it, Tyler liked Johnny, Tyler liked a break. Win win.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> To those of you who are reading my other fics, I needed to take a step back and start something new. I say start, I've written 17 chapters, however I chose to channel my effort into this new fic because quite simply I can't write about death right now. As many of you know, a good friend of mine recently passed away, and both my other ongoing fics have a theme involving loss.  
> Hope you understand x  
> For now, enjoy daily updates of this <3 xx


	2. Chapter 2

Tuesdays were kinda fun, probably one of their favourites. 3 lessons out of 6. Alternating. English, break, Spanish, break, lunch, break, psychology. They'd already gone to English, Tyler fronting and loving every second of their best lesson, and now they sat in the learning support room.

Tyler was fronting but it wasn't a strong hold on the reins, occasionally switching to Johnny without meaning to. It didn't really cause any issues when Johnny took the lead because he was rational and calm and never any trouble to Tyler or any of the teachers, however he did lack a certain depth of emotion, which was how their closest friends distinguished the change between the pair. But no, Tyler was fairly confident they were Tyler at the moment.

Their seat was at the back, up against the wall which was coated floor to ceiling in posters and artwork created by the students in the room. It had 16 desks, 4 rows of 4, but there were never more than 8 or 9 kids from the entire school in there with them. As regulars, they were familiar with all the other students and friendly with most.

"Dana," they called out softly to the junior with a learning disability sat in front of them.  
"Yeh?" She turned to face them with a smile.  
"Whatcha doing?"  
"Art homework,"   
"Since when did the art department give homework?" Tyler laughed as the younger girl chewed on the end of an orange pencil. "Who's your teacher?"  
"Miss, Miss DeLacy,"  
"Aw she's nice, do you like her?"   
"Yeh."  
"Dana? Tyler? Everything alright?" Mr Jeffries asked them from the front of the class. They weren't supposed to be talking, the rule was 10 minutes silent working then 5 minutes free talking time.  
"Yes sir,"  
"Nope, our book is boring," Tyler complained, far more comfortable with talking back to the man than Dana was.  
"I'm bored toooo," Lewis, a freshman joined in.  
"Yeah me too!"  
"And me,"  
"Sir this is boring,"  
"Yeah! Miss Draper never makes us be quiet,"  
"I wanna play baseball,"  
"Yeh let's play baseball!" Darren said, and Mr Jeffries shot Tyler a 'thanks a lot' glance but it was paired with a smile that made them laugh.

"Alright you lot, settle down settle down, we're not playing baseball, but how about this, anyone got any good jokes?" He asked the class, moving to lean against the front of his desk.  
"Me!" Lewis immediately threw his hand up.  
"Does it involve anything inappropriate?"  
"Depends. Are dick jokes inappropriate?"  
"Most definitely. Someone else?"  
"I've got one," Annabelle said and Mr Jeffries gestured for her to go on. "Why did the physics teacher break up with the biology teacher?"  
"I don't know Annabelle, why?"  
"There was no chemistry." She answered proudly, a little giggle escaping her lips that made Tyler smile.

"Wait what? Mrs Fritton and and Mr Watson are dating?" One of the kids called out.  
"No you idiot! She's MRS Fritton, she's married! Annie was talking about Miss Dancy obviously!"   
"I, I wasn't, I wasn't, it's just a joke that my mom taught me!" Annabelle tried to explain to the two arguing boys.  
"And I thought it was very funny Annabelle, well done." Mr Jeffries reassured her.

"Mr Jeffries can I do one?"  
"Yep go ahead." He nodded to Dana.  
"Try and actually be funny, unlike Annabelle." Lewis heckled cruelly.  
"Oi, Lewis, that's not a very nice thing to say." Tyler stood up for the younger girl.  
"So?"  
"So apologise to Annabelle." They instructed firmly.  
"Alright Tyler, leave the teaching to me." Mr Jeffries said. "But they're right, Lewis, apologise to Annabelle."  
"Sorry Anna-smell."  
"Lewis." The man warned.  
"What?! I said sorry?!"  
"Say it nicely."  
"Soooorrrrryyy,"  
"S'fine." Annabelle whispered.  
"Well done Lewis. Dana, do you want to share your joke now?"  
"Okay. But it's a knock knock joke, um, can you do it with me Tyler?" Dana turned to face them, and they nodded.  
"Course."

"Knock knock."  
"Who's there?"  
"Henrietta." Dana replied but at that exact moment they felt something shift within them, and suddenly the joke was just illogical, she wasn't Henrietta, she wasn't Henrietta and she wasn't behind a door and why did he ask her who she was? They'd known each other for months. He didn't forget things, he knew who she was, he knew everything, he knew everything. He was Johnny, he knew everything.

"You're Dana."  
"No, no Ty you're supposed to say 'Henrietta who?',"  
"I know who Henrietta is, she's the part time librarian at Columbus Metropolitan Library and she works on Thursdays Fridays and Saturdays from 9 till 3. Her surname is Jarvis and she's got 3 children and 11 grandchildren." Johnny recited.   
"Sir, sir Tyler's ruining my joke." Dana complained to the teacher at the front.  
"It's not Tyler dumbass, he switched, that's Johnny." Lewis said correctly and that satisfied Johnny because it was correct. Dana was incorrect and her joke was ridiculous because everyone knew who Henrietta was. Everyone had to know, didn't they?

"Lewis don't call her that please."  
"But she is a dumbass! He changed to Johnny in his head! Duh!"  
"It hurts people's feelings when you call them names." Mr Jeffries explained to the boy with a learning disability and Johnny agreed because he was correct, evidence they had collected over the years confirmed it. Name calling was indeed hurtful.   
"Whatever, sorry Dana, but Ty's not gonna do your stupid joke because he's not Ty."  
"I'll do it instead, and Johnny you can read your book, how does that sound?" Mr Jeffries suggested.  
"Yes that sounds desirable, I do adore the works of Hardy. He has a certain je ne sais quoi to his sentence formation," Johnny told the class before picking up the novel in front of them and delving back into the land of make believe, zoning out the poor excuses for humour supplied by their fellow classmates.

 

 

"Hey guys," Mark greeted Johnny as he sat down at the canteen table opposite them. Jenna and Brad were yet to join the group.  
"Good afternoon, nice choice of lunch, turkey sandwich. Turkey breast has 8% more protein than the same size serving of boneless skinless chicken breast or trimmed top loin beefsteak." Johnny told their longtime best friend. "And I'm right in thinking that is rye bread?"  
"Yep, go on Johnny, tell me what a good healthy boy I am." He smirked as he removed the first triangle sandwich from the bag and took a bite.  
"Rye bread, 1 slice contains 9% of your daily required folate, 13% manganese and I think it's 14% selenium."  
"You think? You don't know? Ooh you're slipping Johnny." Mark smiled playfully.

"I'll go to the library after school, read up on it."  
"Nah it's alright, s'what Google's for. And anyway, Tyler promised to play MarioKart with me tonight."  
"Well, I suppose he does deserve to have a bit of fun." Johnny decided with a nod.  
"Amen he does." Mark agree. "How come you're fronting? Did something happen to Ty?"   
"No not especially, I just fancied a turn, and I guess I wanted to talk to you,"  
"Careful there, that almost sounded like an emotion!" He smiled jokingly but jokes weren't really Johnny's thing. He understood them, he understood everything, he just didn't find them funny enough to laugh over.

"Where are Jenna and Brad?"  
"Jenna had to run up to biology to hand in a paper, I'm unaware of Brad's current location I'm afraid." Johnny answered their dear friend's question.  
"My ears are burning." They heard Brad say as he appeared behind them and sat down next to Mark with a tray of junk food that was horrendously unhealthy.  
"No they're not." They said after ensuring their friend's ears were not actually above comfortable temperature.

"Johnny?" Brad checked.  
"I am he."  
"Just checking. And it's a saying, means I can sense someone is talking about me."  
"You didn't sense it, you heard us say your name." Johnny stated, not able to rationalise what their friend was trying to say exactly.  
"Forget it Johnny, it's not important, was only an ice breaker."  
"Ice breaker? There's no ice here, it's 67 degrees."  
"Dude stop with the sayings! He doesn't get them!" Mark told Brad whilst laughing, and Johnny heard Andrew get triggered, protectiveness flared up by the boys laughing at them. They were laughing at them. They were laughing at Johnny and it was Andrew's job to defend him. He had to defend them all.

"Shut up! Shut the FUCK UP!"  
"Andrew, Andrew chill, we weren't laughing at you, I'm sorry," Mark instantly latched onto the switch and sobered his smile.  
"Fuck you asshole, there was no need to laugh at him! He's trying his best and you're being a real fucking assface, you too Brad. Actually especially you Brad, you're a fucking disgraceful waste of space!" Andrew spat bitterly.  
"Andrew calm down, we-"  
"No you don't get to tell ME to calm down! YOU DON'T GET TO FUCKING TALK TO ME! FUCK YOU!" Andrew screeched, standing up on the bench they were previously sat on so that they could look down from above the two dickheads intimidatingly. They were fully aware that the entire canteen had stopped to watch the show but they didn't fucking care.

"Who made Hulk angry?" Someone yelled from the corner and suddenly everyone was laughing. Andrew reached down and grabbed Mark's thermos and lobbed it towards the source of the sound, not even blinking twice when it collided with the white wall and decorated it with an explosion of brown coffee. Instead Andrew had already walked straight over the top of their table, the most direct route, and stormed towards the group of popular kids, most of whom had grins plastered on their faces. Andrew didn't understand why they were smiling, unlike Johnny he understood jokes, but this wasn't a joke, he was going to beat the living shit out of whoever had made James start crying.

"Who the FUCK, said that?"  
"Who do you think, dumbass." Ryan stood up with a confidence that Andrew was certain they could punch out of him. Confidence and maybe a couple of teeth too. Nobody upset the other alters and got away without paying the price.

"What's that Ty? You wanna fight me? You wanna go?" He taunted them, adding fuel to Andrew's inferno of anger by using the wrong name.  
"I wanna fucking KILL YOU!" Andrew screamed, lurching towards the pretentious dickhead when suddenly a pair of arms snaked their way around their torso and held them back. Andrew desperately tried to escape the grasp but their efforts were futile and only made Ryan laugh more and more.

"Shh Drew, shhh, shh it's okay, shhh, come on let's take a walk," Brad hushed them as he half guided half dragged them out of the canteen and into the hallway.

"WHAT THE FUCK?! WE HAD HIM!!" Andrew screamed at Brad frustrated, loathing the pity in both his and Mark's eyes.  
"Andrew can we talk to Tyler or Johnny please?" Mask requested.  
"FUCK YOU!" They shouted at the top of their range before spinning 180 and punching the locker behind them. Andrew was sure it would leave a dent but all it really did was make their knuckles throb and James cry harder.  
"Andrew we're sorry okay? I'm sorry," Brad told them but it fell on deaf ears.  
"Drew please, I love you man, you know I love you, and I absolutely adore Johnny, I think he's great. I understand why I might have upset him but I promise it wasn't intentional and I'm really sorry, just please, calm deep breaths otherwise you're gonna switch again and we both know that the other guy could get someone seriously hurt." Mark attempted to soothe them.  
"GOOD! SOMEONE DESERVES TO GET HURT! JAMES IS HYSTERICAL!"  
"Okay well maybe if you stop shouting so much then he'll start to calm down, we can play cars with him if you let him front."   
"No! No you will NEVER speak to him, he's a child and you are an ASSHOLE!"

"Andrew? Drew baby what's going on?" Jenna asked as she turned onto the corridor where the scene was unfolding and caught on immediately to who was fronting.  
"I'm gonna fucking kill Ryan, and these two assholes too, I'M GONNA FUCKING KILL YOU BOTH!"  
"Woaah, Andrew you're starting to sound like Blurry there sweetheart,"  
"NO I'M NOT!"   
"Handsome, listen to me, Blurry's not allowed on school property is he?"  
"No, on the 14th of December 2016 following an aggressive episode with him in control during which he attempted to stab 3 fellow students, Laura Devas, Kathy Martin and Ryan Hilton, all the other alters in Tyler's system formed an agreement that he should be denied rights to fronting within school grounds. This agreement has been upheld ever since."  
"Hey Johnny, s'good to have you back man," Mark breathed a sigh of relief and Johnny smiled.  
"Jen you gotta teach us how to do that," Brad muttered with a small impressed smile, and Jenna laughed it off.

"Come on you, let's go see Miss Draper, we'll eat with her instead," Jenna told Johnny, holding their hand and leading the way towards student services.  
"Bye guys,"  
"Bye," Johnny waved to Brad and Mark then turned to see where they were walking, it was safest that way.

"You okay babe?"  
"Yes thank you, we hurt our knuckles but otherwise no damage." They reported. "Did you manage to find Mrs Cotton in order to submit your biology?"  
"Yeh I did thanks, and I'm sorry if you don't wanna talk about it but is everyone else okay? Little James?"  
"He's crying, he's always crying, it's quite inconvenient actually, it would be preferable if he quieted down."  
"Is someone helping him?"  
"Cassie and Tyler are at his aid,"  
"Okay good, thank you guys, we don't want him upset."

They walked in comfortable silence until they reached the door to the department, hands locked together perfectly. Jenna opened the door for them and walked to the desk.  
"Hi Mrs Dents, is Miss Draper free?"  
"Let me just check, wait here a moment." The elderly woman replied, then stood up and walked to the office to speak to their pastoral support lead.

"Jenna you don't have any lunch."  
"No but that's okay, I can wait till later,"  
"But you said we would eat lunch with Miss Draper, you can't eat lunch with Miss Draper if you don't have any lunch to eat." Johnny stated, knowing that they had their usual cereal bar was in their back pocket but Jenna didn't have anything.

"Jenna? Ty's system? Come through,"   
"Johnny," Johnny revealed simply as they followed the woman into her office and settled down, Jenna still holding their hand.

"Now, Johnny, I just got a call from the canteen staff regarding thrown coffee and threats of violence. Did Andrew make an appearance?"  
"That is correct." They nodded and Jenna squeezed.  
"Do you understand why that's inappropriate behaviour?"  
"I do, I understand everything, but Andrew was a man on a mission as such."  
"And what mission was that?" Miss Draper asked.  
"They were laughing at us, he was standing up to them."  
"Who? Who were laughing?"  
"Everyone. Brad, Mark, Ryan, everyone in the whole canteen."  
"Oh baby," Jenna sighed sympathetically.  
"Right, I'll call them in for a word this afternoon."  
"Brad and Mark are friends, they don't need to have it explained to them." Their girlfriend told the teacher.  
"No, no they hurt my feelings, if someone does something wrong then they should be punished. Punish them Miss,"  
"I'll talk to them." She nodded.  
"Thank you."

"Johnny, would it be possible to talk to Tyler?"  
"He's listening,"  
"Can you hand over control please?"  
"He's upset, embarrassed about what happened with Andrew, he doesn't want to come out." Johnny said.  
"Okay well I need to talk to him at some point, it's about some questions he asked me yesterday."  
"Wait what, what did I ask?" Tyler took the lead, curiosity beating humiliation.  
"Tyler?" Miss Draper checked and they nodded. "Yesterday you asked me about the new senior with additional needs?"  
"I was just being nosey."  
"Perhaps a little," she laughed, "well it turns out I need your help Tyler."  
"Me?"  
"His name's Josh and he'll be joining us tomorrow, and I was hoping you could play the role of his peer mentor? His parents have asked that I pair him with someone, and I reckon you'll do perfectly."  
"Pair is two, we can't be one half." Tyler complained.  
"Well that's the tricky part actually Ty, I want you to be his buddy, not Johnny or Andrew or any of the others, just you."  
"Wait no, you can't ask that of them, they come as a package." Jenna defended them concerned.

"Now I'm not saying you have to miraculously overcome your DID, all I'm asking is that you let Tyler front when you're around Josh."  
"But it's not always a choice Miss." Jenna said and Tyler was thankful for her support, squeezing her hand appreciatively.  
"And I understand that, I do, so if you can't get Tyler to surface then tell me and I'll take over for you until you can. I'm not asking you to be Tyler all day everyday. Josh is going to be in learning support every period for the foreseeable future, all I ask is that Tyler does his best to front with him during those periods you're together."  
"Why me?"  
"Why you as in why your alter? Or why you as in why you from anyone in school?"  
"School. I get it, Johnny's not good with making emotional bonds, Andrew scares people off, James is too young, Cassie's too preoccupied with trying to kill herself and Blurry's too preoccupied trying to kill everyone else."   
"I like you Tyler, I like you and so do other people. You make people feel comfortable and that's gonna be really important with Josh. That's why I chose you. Plus you're familiar with everyone who works in student services and you'll be able to show him the ropes in learning support."

"What's wrong with him? Sorry I know that's not the PC way of putting it, but still." Jenna asked.  
"I'm not at liberty to discuss it I'm afraid."  
"So you're expecting my significant others to just go into this completely blind and support another kid without even knowing what they're getting themselves in for when they can barely cope with their own position. Miss Draper we came here because they were on the verge of an episode, I don't think giving Tyler or any member of the system more pressure is a good idea exactly." Jenna told the woman in front of them.

"Miss Draper we'll do it, I'll, I'll do it." Tyler decided, wanting to prove that they genuinely could serve some function.   
"Ty baby no,"   
"Jenna we can do it."  
"I know you can, it's just whether you should. Please baby, think about this, put yourselves first."  
"Miss Draper can you discuss details if Jenna's not in the room?"   
"I'll introduce you to him in the morning and let him explain everything himself, can you meet me here tomorrow during homeroom?"  
"Okay of course."  
"And you're absolutely sure this is a good idea darling?" Jenna asked them, reaching across and playing with their hair then resting her hand on the back of their neck fondly.   
"Yeh."

"Tyler we'll do it as a trial, we'll have a review at the end of the week to see if it's working?"  
"Okay."  
"And obviously, any problems between now and then, feel free to pop in. Any alter."  
"Actually that's not factually accurate, not any alter, Blurry is barred from fronting within school property by the system, ergo he is not free to 'pop in' Miss Draper." Johnny informed her.  
"He switched again Miss, they've been really switchy all day, they're not well. I really don't think this is a good idea." Jenna sighed, removing her hand from Johnny's neck, knowing full well that the alter did not appreciate intimate physical contact. However she seemed to have no issue talking about them as if they weren't sat right there.

"Maybe not, or perhaps it's exactly what they need."

 


	3. Chapter 3

Tyler was on high alert for the new kid, head snapping up every single time the door opened. They didn't know every single student in the entire school, however they did know all the student services regulars. More of their time was spent in the department than in any of the other places in the school combined.

Again the door swung open and again they immediately reared their head, ready to pounce on a stranger. But no, it was just Lewis signing in for another day of assisted learning.  
"Morning ugly."  
"Morning Lewis, how are you?" Tyler smiled at the younger student who was slowly wandering towards the classroom to the right of where the system was sitting in one of those crappy brown chairs.  
"I'm a-okay. Stay trippy dude."  
"Um, will do?" They laughed and Lewis just shook his head, embarrassed by Tyler's poor grasp of his lingo, and entered the room. Tyler was too preoccupied to notice the entrance of a second teenage boy, who wandered up to Mrs Dents, dripping with anxiety from the tips of his red hair down to the steel caps of his boots.

"H-hi, uh, I, I was told to come here? I think it's here, the, um, a girl outside told me this is the right place, I'm new?"  
"Joshua right?" Mrs Dents asked and he nodded shakily. "Okay, Miss Draper will see you soon but whilst you're waiting can I just ask you to go and sit over there and fill out this please."  
"A form? Oh,"  
"Just a few details we didn't get from your parents, here you go."  
"Th-thanks," Joshua took the form from her then made his way towards Tyler. There were 4 seats total, Tyler sitting on the one second closest to the wall, and Josh sat in the seat furthest away from them. They didn't say anything, understanding his anxiety, and instead watched for a solid minute as the red-head stared at the sheet of paper.

"Do you need a pen?"   
"Excuse me?" Josh looked up at them with panic in his eyes.  
"Would you like to borrow a pen?"  
"W-why?"  
"For the form?" Tyler explained, taking a biro out of his shirt breast pocket and offering it across to the new kid. He stared at it for a second before reaching out and taking it. And yet still, the pen nib hovered above the paper and none of the questions were answered.

"Josh Dun?" Miss Draper called as she entered the lobby area.  
"Hi, that, th-that's me,"  
"Hello, my name's Miss Draper, head of your pastoral team, we spoke on the phone? It's a pleasure to finally meet you." She shook his hand once he stood.  
"You too."  
"Oh, sorry about that," the woman apologised as she saw the form and pen, taking both of them off him and giving them to Mrs Dents. "Just fill in the missing boxes with his brother's sheet please Julie."  
"Okay will do, and the pen's not mine."  
"Ours." Tyler raised their hand and she turned and smiled, then gave it back to them.  
"Thank you for that. Right, Josh you follow me into my office and we can talk for a while, then Ty I'll come and get you later?"  
"Take your time." Tyler smiled at the teacher.  
"Go on then, what does that mean, which lesson are you missing?" She asked with a knowing smile.  
"I don't know what you're talking about Miss." They laughed before admitting. "History."  
"Don't worry, I'm sure we'll have you back in class in no time." She winked then lead Josh into her office and closed the door.

"Psst, Ty, what was his name again?" Mrs Dents asked them.  
"Um, Josh Dun?"  
"Great, thank you."

After that they settled in for a long wait, knowing that Miss Draper was good at her job and that meant introductory meetings could go on for a while. They weren't complaining. Instead Tyler lent back and listened to all his alters give their two cents.

Blurry had the biggest problem with the new guy, but he always had the biggest problem over everything. He called him an 'effing idiot and mocked the stuttered way he spoke and the anxious way he walked, then went on to share how easy he would be to kill. At that point, Andrew interrupted and told him to shut up, then said that he happened to quite like Josh's nervous state, saying he clearly wasn't a threat to them.

When Andrew then asked Cassie to give an opinion, encouraging her gently, she whispered that it didn't matter what she thought because she didn't matter. Tyler attempted to persuade her otherwise but it was useless, so eventually he moved on and asked James. James excitedly babbled about how cool his red hair was and how awesome his band tee was and how much fun they were going to have making friends and then playing cars with him. Blurry told James to shut up. Andrew told Blurry to shut up.

Johnny then decided to tell them that Josh was clearly unwell, then proceeded to list off seemingly endless suggestions of diagnoses he had come up with from the symptoms he had identified. Tyler did his best to keep up with the torrent of information but Johnny's capacity far exceeded the host's and eventually he couldn't keep up any longer. At that point, Andrew swept in protectively and told Johnny that it was Tyler's turn to share his first impression.

Tyler took a moment to evaluate all of their opinions and consider his own before deciding that he didn't know enough to make a conclusion. He didn't know anything about the guy, not really, and it was too soon to give a judgement. No, instead he would wait and give the guy more opportunities to teach Tyler about himself. But so far so good.

 

  
"Ty?"  
"Hmm?" They opened their eyes and saw Miss Draper stood opposite them maybe 15 minutes later.   
"It is Tyler fronting, isn't it?"  
"Yep. Are you ready for us?"  
"Yes, Josh is still in my office waiting. I've done everything I need to, so all that's left is to introduce you."  
"Okay great, and Miss,"  
"Yes?"  
"Are we telling him we're a DID system?"  
"Well that's up to you. I haven't said anything."  
"Um, okay, right,"  
"I'll follow your lead, how about that? If you feel comfortable to share then I'll talk openly too, however if I can tell you're being careful then I'll watch what I say."   
"Yeah that sounds good, thank you." Tyler nodded then stood up and followed her into the familiar office where the unfamiliar boy was sat in their usual seat. Instead they settled for the other.

"Josh this is Tyler, Tyler Josh."  
"Hi,"  
"Hey,"  
"Josh I told your mom this on the phone, I'm not sure whether she passed it on, but Tyler's gonna be your buddy whilst you're settling in. Now I'm fully aware that friendships can't be forced, but I've handpicked Tyler myself because I know he'll take good care of you." Miss Draper explained and they blushed a little. "Tyler's on a reduced timetable and spends between 2 and 4 periods in LSR a day, so you'll be together for that time and he'll show you the ropes of this place."  
"Sorry, sorry, w-what's LSR?"  
"Remember I told you about the learning support room? Our classroom for assisted learning?"  
"Yeah?" He said, still not making the connection.  
"LSR stands for learning support room, it's the first letter of each word."  
"Oh, right, okay."  
"Make sense?"  
"Yeh, so LSR is where I am, and you'll be there with me half the time." Josh processed, looking across as them.  
"Yep." Tyler nodded.

"And I won't force you, but it would be nice if you went for lunch together too," Miss Draper suggested hopefully.  
"Yeah course." The system nodded but Josh just looked anxious.

"Josh, would you like to maybe introduce yourself? Tell Ty about you? If you want to say why you're here in student services then go ahead, if not then tell them about things you enjoy or do for fun?" The woman said and Tyler would usually appreciate the gender neutral pronoun however was beginning to feel nervous over sharing their secret. No, today was not the day for Josh to find out his buddy was actually 6 people.

"Um, okay, yeh, uh, hi, my name's Josh, sorry you already knew that, sorry, that was dumb,"  
"Relax, I don't bite." Tyler reassured him.  
"Yeh, relax, right, um. So I'm new, I just moved from Cleveland, so not far at all, and I used to go to a really small private school but they kicked me out basically."  
"Right," they listened intently.  
"I've got dyslexia?" Josh said as if a question, but it answered Johnny's questions and helped settle their mind. "It's uh, I don't like to throw pity parties, but it's pretty bad. It didn't get picked up until I was quite old and the doc said it's the worst he's seen, so that was a confidence boost, but yeah. I don't read or write, like, at all, which obviously has complications with school and stuff. I do try, I've tried all sorts of techniques and strategies and tutors and learning centres and specialists but yep, it's just not happening."  
"Yeah,"  
"My old school tried their best but at the end of the day they're got school exam results and a reputation to think of, and I don't tick the box. So they sent me on my way, and here I am."  
"I'm sorry,"  
"S'fine." He shrugged but nobody believed him.

"But you're more than your dyslexia Josh, what else can you share with Tyler to help him get to know you?"  
"Uhh, I play baseball. That's like my main thing? I guess, I dunno, yeah, I was captain of my old varsity baseball team and it's what I wanna do after high school. Then other than that, I dunno, not much really. I play golf pretty poorly and I cook but, yanno, no recipes or telling what the label on the packets say, so a lot of my dishes are disasters."  
"Haha that's cool," Tyler grinned honestly, and could see the relief in Josh's face as he realised that they weren't laughing at him, they were laughing with him.

"How about you man? What's your deal?"  
"Only if you feel comfortable," Miss Draper swooped into their rescue.  
"I'm boring compared to you, um, well I sorta play basketball I suppose? Like I absolutely love it, I just don't get the chance to play much so I'm not great." Tyler didn't completely lie. "I've got an amazing girlfriend, Jenna, she's beautiful and we meet up as often as possible, and I play piano too. But mostly my time is filled with reading and writing,"  
"Ah, that last bit, polar opposites?"  
"Opposites attract." They smiled, not wanting to make the new kid feel bad.   
"Look at you two, getting on like a house on fire already." Miss Draper sighed happily.

 

 

  
"Joshua William? Is that you son?"  
"Yes sir," he called back as he took his key out of the lock to their new front door and closed it behind him, then walked down the long hallway to the kitchen where his father was. His father was stood beside their newly fitted kitchen in the new house, wearing an Indians baseball shirt that Josh knew was a gift from Larry Dolan, the club's owner and a personal friend of the family. Josh had his own, signed by the team, but it didn't help that he couldn't distinguish one name from the next.

"You're home early."  
"The school day finishes earlier here sir, came straight back."  
"Where are your siblings then?"  
"Jordan told me he was going to throw a football around with some of his new friends, not sure about the other two."  
"No worries kiddo, need a moment to pause or wanna head straight out the back?"  
"Winners never pause." Josh answered like he knew he was supposed to, placing his backpack on the counter and then following his father through the maze that was their new home until eventually they made it to the back garden.

The back garden was a little smaller than their last, and yet it was still large enough for Josh not to be able to see any boundaries from the patio. He guessed 4 or 5 acres? All he knew was that it was big enough to fit a full size baseball field plus Ashley's ponies and mother's statue garden easily.

"You need to work on pitching first, plain and simple, all out every time. We'll do 50 then we'll do 150ft long tosses."  
"Yes sir." Josh nodded, taking the glove and baseball he extended and noticing a signature that he was unable to read. He made his way over to his slab whilst his father jogged to the home plate.

"Ready." Father called as Josh began setting up his first grip, talking himself through every little step, knowing each tiny movement would be critiqued. Careful not to be too slow but simultaneously not to rush the windup, Josh threw the ball in a manner that any high school coach would deem perfect.

"Remember what Corey told you, pull your arm up when you release, nice and early."  
"Yes sir," Josh agreed as the ball was thrown back and easily caught, then the process was repeated again.

"Was today your first day at the new school?"  
"Yes sir,"  
"How did it go?" Father asked, catching the ball then throwing it back to him.  
"Good thank you sir,"  
"Did they have you in a class with a bunch of retards? Your mother said she was arranging some sort of special ed?"   
"I don't think you're supposed to say retards anymore sir," Josh yelled then threw the ball perfectly once again.   
"Perhaps not, but what they gonna do?"  
"Father."  
"What is it kiddo?"  
"Nothing, just, yanno, they're my classmates, I'm one of them."  
"You're not like them Joshua, you're a Dun, success is in your blood, you'll never be one of them." He replied, catching Josh's next throw. "And don't say 'yanno', it's lazy."  
"Sorry sir."

"So special ed, any pretty girls?"  
"They don't call it special ed, it's called LSD."  
"LSD? That's a drug son."  
"No it's not, it stands for something, I don't remember what, sorry sir,"  
"Stands for lysergic acid diethylamid." His father informed him, catching the ball and returning it quickly. "Should try spelling that one." He went on to laugh at Josh, and so the next throw was by far the fastest of the set. Josh hoped his father might feel it, make some sort of pained groan, at least acknowledge that that particular pitch was laced with anger for the lack of sensitivity, but no.

"Watch your hip pivot son, it's sloppy."  
"Sorry sir." Josh sighed.

"Come on, I'm trying to take an interest in this crappy state school your mother's insisting on, at least tell your old man something? Otherwise I'll presume it's bad and reconsider Dalton Boys to get you a proper education."  
"Please sir, I don't want to go to boarding school."  
"I'm giving this school 6 weeks, if you're not better then I've got no choice but to send you somewhere proper."  
"Better? What do you mean by better sir?"  
"Reading Joshua, Jesus, you're 17 years old, you need to be able to read."  
"But Father I want to play baseball, I don't need to read."  
"Let's say you miraculously sort out that horrendous elbow I just saw, and somehow you manage to improve enough to get scouted. Things go well, you start playing for the big leagues, it's your first day of the season and you're in your locker room - but oh wait, which locker's yours? Which shirt has your name on it? Come on Joshua, I'm not expecting you to be able to read Tolstoy, but there's being able to recognise your own surname - which is only 3 letters by the way! 3 letters, one syllable, you can't even do that. If you genuinely think you're gonna be able to cope in the real world without reading then you're going to make a fool of yourself. Worse than that, you're going to make a fool of me."

 

 

  
"KELLY! It's being the young one again!" Their dad shouted as they made eye contact, and the raised voice spooked James and they quickly hid behind their arms and crouched on the carpeted floor.  
"James Mommy is coming!" Mommy called back loudly but softly, and not much time passed before they felt her comforting hand rubbing their back and pulling them against her chest. Mommy was nice.

"Chris don't call them 'it' please darling," she whispered to Daddy as James relaxed into her embrace.   
"Can't say him, can't say her, can't say this or that or anything anymore."  
"Gender neutral, that's all I'm asking,"  
"'It' is gender neutral,"  
"It's rude darling, I get you're trying but it's been two years, please, just say them?"  
"Whatever, sure, I'm getting a beer." Daddy grumbled then left the living room.

"James baby, Daddy's gone, do you want to play a game with Mommy?"  
"Cars!"  
"Yeah we can play cars," she nodded but they didn't wait for her permission, instead standing up and excitedly running over to where Tyler had left their school bag. They returned to Mommy and unzipped it then turned it completely upside down. James didn't care when all of Tyler's school books fell out, instead reaching and grabbing the 5 hot wheels that also clattered to the ground.

"Mommy, m-Mommy can have this one and this one, and James can have this one and this one and this one," they distributed them then instantly the young alter started racing the different cars down a slope they made from Tyler's English book and his pencil case.

"James, did you have a nice day at Tyler's school today?"  
"Ummmmmm yes."  
"Oh I'm pleased baby,"  
"I'm a big boy Mommy,"  
"Haha aw I know sweetheart, sorry," she smiled at them whilst playing with one of her cars. "Did you get sad at all today?"  
"Um maybe sometimes a tiny little bit maybe."  
"Yeah,"  
"But Mommy there's a new friend for us!"  
"A new friend! Wow! That's exciting,"  
"He's cool, he's like me, he, he can't read,"  
"Can't read? Okay,"  
"There's, Miss Draper said, and Josh said, there's a word, I don't know the word, Johnny knows the word, should Johnny come and play?"  
"No no, please James, stay with Mommy for a bit longer. Mommy knows the word, is it dyslexic?"  
"Yes!" James squealed happily. "Mommy you're sooo clever!"  
"Thank you darling, and so are you James. All of you, you're very very intelligent. And James, your new friend Josh is still clever too, even though he's got dyslexia. Dyslexia doesn't make people stupid, it-"  
"Mommy he's got red hair!"  
"Wow!"

"He's so cool!"  
"And he's nice to all of you?"  
"He, um, well Tyler said he's Tyler's special friend only for Tyler to play with, so I haven't played with him, but I really want to, but Tyler plays with him, but Tyler's happy when they play together."   
"So Josh doesn't know about you?"  
"He's Tyler's special friend."  
"Yeah okay sweetheart, special friend, but he does make Ty happy?"  
"That's, th-that's what Andrew said when I was sad I couldn't play."  
"So Tyler didn't feel embarrassed or something like that James?"  
"Mommy look! My car is magic! It can bounce really high! Even, i-it can go even higher than the clouds!"


	4. Chapter 4

Josh was the last to join his family in the breakfast room, partially because he was still unsure of his way around the latest house, and mostly because he didn't want to be there. He loved his family, he did, they were just a lot.

"Good morning Mr Joshua,"  
"S'just Josh," he smiled at the stranger in front of him, no doubt yet another member of staff to be added to the long list. Maybe a chef?  
"Just Josh, noted, I have your egg white frittata with fresh spinach ready."  
"Thanks." Josh took the plate from her then awkwardly walked over to the long table when it seemed like she didn't have anything else to say. He put his plate down in the seat that was supposedly next to Jordan but was actually almost a metre away due to the length of the glass table. Rather than sitting down, he walked down to his mother and greeted her with a kiss on the cheek.

"Morning Mother,"  
"Good morning darling, I asked Penny for frittata this morning but if you'd like something else tomorrow then by all means tell her. Now hurry along, sit down, you'll be late if you don't start eating soon." She instructed and he obeyed.  
"Nonsense, he won't be late, not with Charles behind the wheel. He's got the reputation for best driver for a reason."  
"Very true darling, very true." Mother appeased their father's comment.  
"Actually sir, I was going to get the bus rather than a car this morning if that's okay?"  
"The bus?"  
"Yeah, yanno, try and meet some new people?"  
"Joshua what did I tell you yesterday about saying 'yanno'?"  
"It's lazy, sorry sir,"

"Didn't the teacher at school already set you up with a friend? Tyrell?" Mother asked.   
"Tyler." Josh corrected her as he took a bite of his breakfast.  
"Tyrell was from my class at the last school." Abigail explained.  
"Ah yes, I remember, his father played golf with yours."  
"Terence, great guy, great guy." Father nodded approvingly from the end of the table.

"But you've got Tyler, I really don't think you need to take the bus darling, you're not that desperate, are you?"   
"No, no I'm not desperate." Josh said to his plate. "I just thought it would be nice, never mind."  
"Joshua, son, let me give you some advice that my father once gave me." Father began to say and Josh braced himself for some sort of quote or story that was obviously not said by Grandad, but he would have to go along with anyway. "When it comes to friendships, it's quality not quantity. Find yourself some proper friends, inspired, ambitious, likely to succeed, and use your own wealth of knowledge to advance together. Don't waste your time with public buses, the type of person you should be associating yourself with most certainly does not ride the bus. Am I making myself clear?"  
"Yes sir."

"Good, now, has anyone got any news to share? Girls? First cheer session go well?"  
"Yes sir,"  
"Yes sir," they both nodded.   
"I spoke to the coach here and he's letting me try out for the football team after school today," Jordan piped up.  
"What time does it finish?"  
"6pm sir,"  
"Right, I'll send a car to collect you,"  
"Thank you."  
"And good job Jordan, that took initiative to go and seek out the opportunity, well done. I'm sure you'll do amazingly, won't he Bill?" Mother smiled at the younger brother.  
"He's a Dun, of course he'll succeed, it's what we do. How about you Joshua? Captain of the baseball team yet?"  
"No sir, but I've only been there a day."  
"So? I've only been there 3 days, I'm making stuff happen." Jordan replied. "Plus I'm younger, and I don't get all this tutoring from pros or hours practicing with Father every night."  
"That's because football's not a real sport Jordan, baseball, now baseball is real. If you want my attention then try swinging a bat."   
"Bill!" Their mother exclaimed, and even Josh was slightly taken aback by the comment.

"I'm just kidding, lighten up guys, it was a joke," Father clearly wasn't joking.  
"You want me to be more like Josh? Is that what you're saying?" Jordan clarified angrily, and Josh could sense this was going to sting.  
"I want you to be successful, and yes, Joshua is the only person at this table who has successfully captained a team to be state champions. Interpret that how you will."  
"Oh I can be more like Josh, should I just pop off to school and fail every single class SO badly that the entire family gets kicked out?! Should I force everyone to leave behind their friends, their clubs, their teams, their whole lives, just because I'm too dumb to read?!"  
"Oi, Jordan, do you think that makes you a big man? Think you're being clever? Mocking a kid with a learning disability? It's pathetic, you're pathetic." Father spat and Jordan shut up but sent daggers that pierced Josh's fragile heart.

"Jordan apologise to your brother please." Mother eventually said.   
"Only if Father apologises to me."  
"That's no way to speak to me, I'm your father, have some bloody respect. You act like this and then you wonder why I don't take the time to coach you, it's ironic really that you were insulting Josh's intelligence and yet you can't link these dots." He retaliated bitterly. "I'll cancel the car, you can walk back from football."  
"Father I'm fine, just let one of the drivers pick him up." Josh said, not wanting to escalate the situation any further.  
"No Joshua, you can't let people walk all over you, I'm doing this for your own good. If you never stand up to people who treat you poorly then you're just inviting them to bring it on."  
"Oh don't pretend you're doing this for him, this is because I dared to challenge you and that hurt your pride." Jordan shook his head disapprovingly.

"Boys, please, all of you! We came here for a fresh start and, regardless of the circumstances, I want you all to embrace all the new opportunities that come alongside moving schools. Jordan, go to football, show them what you've got, make us all proud and then get a car home and tell us all about it." Mother started taking control. "We are and always will be very proud of your achievements, it doesn't matter in which sport. Just please, don't blame your brother for this, he's done nothing wrong."  
"Whatever," Jordan murmured.

"And Joshua, we're very proud of you too. Course I want you to take the time to settle into your new academic life and get used to their method of helping you, but remember to keep your eye on the prize. Your strengths lie in baseball, and the sooner you can get back into the competitive games the better."  
"Amen." Father agreed with his wife.  
"Sorry Mother, sorry Father, I'll find the baseball coach today and talk to them."

 

 

Thursdays always involved a choice for Tyler and his system. There are 6 periods in a day, half before lunch and half after, and on a Thursday they only had classes for the last 3. That meant they were allowed to take Thursday morning off and stay at home if they needed some timeout, or alternatively they could go into LSR and complete some work there. They've got a mental illness, however they weren't completely mad. Attendance on Thursday mornings were non existent, except on this particular day.

Josh's first day had contained surprisingly little time together. They were only together for 2 periods, and during both of those sessions Tyler had been given tasks to complete in test conditions, so the only real opportunity they had to get to know each other had been lunch. Lunch, however, proved rather difficult because they had made eye contact with Ryan and that meant Andrew quickly snatched control of their body. Andrew meant well, he was sweet in his own way, but he had a tendency to take his protector role too far and pick fights. So they had made a quick exit, going to the library to calm down with Jenna, and left Josh with Brad and Mark.

Basically Tyler didn't know Josh and he didn't like that.

Josh had arrived before them, and turned to look at the door as Tyler entered. They made eye contact and both smiled.  
"Good morning,"  
"Morning," Josh replied as they sat next to him.   
"So you came back for a second day, we didn't scare you off, that's good,"   
"You're gonna have to try harder if you want me gone." The red haired boy said and, in spite of the anxious undertone, it made Tyler chuckle.

"Cool shirt,"  
"Thanks man, it was gift from Mark." Josh looked down at his blink-182 shirt.  
"Mark as in Mark Hoppus?"  
"Uh huh."  
"Wait you're joking right," Tyler asked in both shock and awe.  
"Nah, he's a buddy of my father's."  
"Jesus! Now suddenly I really want to be your friend." They exclaimed before realising how insensitive that could have come across. "Not that I didn't before or anything,"  
"S'fine, don't worry, I'm used to it." Josh shrugged and Tyler felt bad.

"How-" they tried to move on before suddenly Miss Draper entered the room and crouched the other side of Josh's table.

"Morning Josh, oh hi Ty, wasn't expecting you in this morning," she noticed them with a smile.  
"Surprise!" They did jazz hands and Josh laughed under his breath.  
"Well give me a minute to set Josh up then I'll find you something to do."  
"Thanks Miss."  
"Right Josh, this is going to be your laptop for your own personal use in school. It's got the standard blocks on, social media and inappropriate websites, but otherwise it will do whatever we need."  
"Don't worry Miss Draper, reading Facebook posts is one problem you're not gonna have with me." Josh told her and, even though Tyler knew he was making a joke, it still made their heart sink.

"Me or one of the other LSR teachers will log you in every period and locate what we want you to be doing, so don't worry about needing to type anything. All I'm gonna get you to do is plug in your headphones in this jack here and then there's a whole load of recorded lessons for you to watch. We've got all your subjects, all your classes, they're just recorded in another school and available for you to watch at any time. It's not going to ask you to write anything down or do any work on the topic of the lesson, all you have to do is listen. You can rewind and rewatch complicated bits to your heart's content, and I'll be here if you need any further help or assistance. Does that sound okay?"  
"Yes thanks Miss."  
"Do you have headphones with you?"  
"I do." He nodded then took out a pair of Beats that Tyler could only dream of affording.  
"Plug yourself in and click the mouse and you're off."  
"Great, thanks," Josh obeyed and just like that, he was cut off from the rest of the students and in a land of his own.

"Ty, let me just grab the sheets I had prepared for you guys to do tomorrow and you can start them now."  
"Thanks,"  
"Not that I'm not pleased to see you, but aren't Thursdays your break morning?"  
"Usually, but yeh, wanted to see him. We are his buddy after all."  
"Oh that's lovely guys, thank you. Right, sheets." She smiled then walked back to her office.

 

 

About 40 minutes after Josh had submersed himself into the video, Tyler saw him sigh and pause the computer then knock the headphones down to his neck and rub his face.  
"You okay?" Ty mouthed silently.  
"Yeh," he nodded without making a sound. "History's boring."  
"The worst." They agreed before going back to filling in the math sheet on quadratics.

"Josh."  
"Yeh?" The red haired asked discreetly, not alerting anyone in the room that neither of them were doing what they were supposed to.   
"Pass me that," Tyler pointed to the jack of his headphones, and Josh took a second to see what they were after before unplugging and passing it across to Tyler. Next they took their phone out of their pocket and plugged in Josh's red cable, then began playing one of Tyler's favourite songs and gestured for Josh to put the headphones back on.

Whilst Josh listened, Tyler scrolled through all the songs on their phone, cautious not to click any and change the one already playing. Every song was sorted into playlists, one for each alter. They'd say Tyler's was probably the most varied, music that their parents had shown them, stuff they'd found themselves, definitely a theme but not one they could name. On the other hand Johnny's music was very strictly traditional orchestral pieces. Andrew was into rap, the more cuss words the better, and Blurry's only interested in heavy heavy metal. The other two didn't get to listen to much music but on the odd occasion they did, Cassie liked soft gentle female vocals and James preferred the Lego Movie soundtrack to anything else.

"What is this?" Josh whispered.  
"It's called Flesh without Blood/Life in the Vivid Dream." Tyler murmured.  
"Who's it by?"  
"She's called Grimes." They replied quietly.  
"Never heard of her, but this is amazing."  
"I'm sort of obsessed." Tyler shrugged, proud that they'd made a good impression with their music taste.

"Oh dear, Josh, your headphones seem to have magically jumped to another student's desk," Miss Draper caught them.  
"I'm so so sorry," he immediately apologised, panicking he would be in trouble, but Tyler knew better.  
"Miss it was the elves, I told you, you need to get it looked into. Elf exterminator or something."   
"Yeah they stole my homework Miss, I totally did it, they just swiped it straight out my bag," Lewis joined in. "Fucking elves,"  
"Language mister. Get back to your chemistry." The woman told the younger boy, then turned back to the seniors.

"You boys need a break?"  
"Yeah," Tyler nodded for them.  
"Okay, well there's 20 minutes left of this period, Ty why don't you go for a walk together, take Josh on a tour of campus?"  
"Yeah sure,"  
"I don't want you in the corridors when they get busy, so be back before the bell?"  
"Okay."  
"And if you don't manage to get the whole way round the school in that time then I'll give you a bit longer after the change over, just come back here and wait whilst the crowds are out."  
"Yes Ma'am." Tyler saluted, then unplugged Josh's headphones and passed them back before pocketing their phone.

"Stay safe boys,"  
"Bye," they waved, then showed Josh the way out of the assisted learning classroom and across the lobby where Mrs Dents was typing away before finally reaching the main artery of the school.

"We're free,"   
"Dude that's so cool, she just, she just let's you leave when you've had enough." Josh shook his head in amazement.  
"Yeah Miss Draper's awesome, pushes us but not too far. She knows when we're trying to skive and when we actually need timeout." Tyler smiled as they walked past row upon row of lockers. "What was your old additional needs team like?"  
"At Weston? My old school?"   
"Yeah,"  
"Pffff, well, I mean it was a private school so all the teachers were really good and everything, just not necessarily for kids like me. Breaks were unheard of. My team was literally just one guy and every day was the same, morning spent copying out the alphabet letter by letter over and over again, afternoon spent trying to read kid's books and failing but him not letting me stop. So yeah, not great fun."  
"Shoot man, that sounds like no fun at all." They shook their head. "I'm guessing it didn't really help?"  
"Nah not a bit. My parents paid for all sorts of extra stuff too, but all to no avail."

"So don't answer if you don't want, but can you read anything?" Tyler asked as they turned a corner.  
"Nada." He shook his head, "Not even my own name,"  
"Is it one of those things which is genuinely restricting or are you just used to it?"  
"Obviously there are loads of situations where it is a massive pain in the butt and I get frustrated or angry or whatever, but to be honest I'm often put in those situations by other people if that makes sense? Like my parents take me to loads of galleries and museums and stuff to broaden my appreciation of culture or something, but I can't read the signs so I have no idea what any of it means."  
"Yeah,"  
"I think once I'm more in control of my life, get to choose what I do each day, I'll be able to make do without needing to read or write. So yeah, I've kinda accepted this is how I am."  
"Yeah." Tyler listened, fascinated by what he had to say.

"But I mean I don't even know why you're in that class with me."  
"Urmm, well you heard what Miss said about not wanting me in the crowds?"  
"Yeah," Josh nodded.  
"I panic easily,"  
"Like panic attacks?"   
"Yeah exactly, and I'm doing better now but I used to have really nasty ones all the time, I had to take a whole bunch of time off school to pull myself together, and yeah. Been playing catch up ever since," Tyler didn't completely lie, just didn't necessarily tell him the whole truth. Pulling himself together hadn't gone well, it was more like pulling himself into 6 selves.

"Well obviously I dunno what you were like before, but you seem loads better, I never would have guessed anxiety."  
"I am better, a lot better thanks."  
"Sorry to um, to change the subject, but is that the sports department over there?"  
"Oh shoot sorry, I was totally supposed to be showing you around. Yep, that's sports."  
"I need to go and see someone about trying out for the school baseball team, should I come here at lunch?"  
"We can go now if you want?"  
"Are the coaches free?"  
"We can check, I can't guarantee but I'd imagine someone will be available to talk to."  
"Um, yes please then?" Josh said and Tyler smiled at their friend then showed him the way to the coaches' office next to the changing rooms. They knocked and waited until the friendly face of Coach Bradshaw answered.

"Hi Coach, this is Jo-"  
"Joshua Dun, pleasure." The coach interrupted them and shook their friend's hand. "I saw you play at the state finals game? Phenomenal."  
"Thank you sir, means a lot that you know who I am."  
"Batting average of .670, 23 stolen bases last season, son, there isn't a legitimate baseball coach in the state who doesn't know who you are."   
"Thank you sir, and uh, and 24 stolen bases," Josh smiled embarrassed at his feet and even Tyler was impressed in spite not knowing what any of it meant.

"Jesus kid, you're out of this world. Tell me this, what do your fielding percentages look like?"  
".890?"  
"Wow, just wow," Coach Bradshaw shook his head in disbelief. "And now you're here, in my gym,"  
"Actually that's kinda the reason we're here Coach, Josh was looking for an opportunity to try out for the team?"  
"Done." He nodded immediately. "As of today you're on the school varsity baseball team."  
"Oh wow, thank you sir,"  
"Call me Coach, I'm Coach Bradshaw but nobody bothers with the last bit."  
"Well thank you Coach."

"Swing by tomorrow lunch, we'll get you kitted out, introduce you to the boys. Wow, this is amazing,"  
"You're telling me," Josh laughed a little.   
"If the boys ask then I put you through your paces today and deemed you good enough for the team, but as far as we're concerned you've already proved yourself."  
"Thank you si-Coach."  
"This season's gonna be a good one." The man smiled happily.

"We've got a packed training schedule, I'll get one printed for you to have a read through when you pick up your kit." He said and Tyler could see the glint of panic at the mention of the word 'read'.  
"My, uh, my old school mimicked a D1 training plan,"  
"Ah, so ours will be a walk in the park for someone like you I'm sure. Still, expectations will be high."  
"Understood, I'll put my all in Coach."   
"I'm sure you will kid, I'm sure you will." Coach grinned.   
"Thank you for this opportunity."  
"Thank you for coming to find me, this had made my day, my week in fact! I've gotta dash because I'm teaching some little squirts in 10 minutes and I need to set up, but be here tomorrow lunch Josh?"  
"Yes sir."  
"And thanks for the gift Tyler, it's much appreciated."  
"Haha anytime Coach, see you round," Tyler laughed.  
"Bye guys," he waved then retreated back into the office.

"Wow, someone's got a super fan,"  
"Wait till I tell my father that, he'll be pleased," Josh seemed genuinely proud of himself and Tyler's heart fluttered.


	5. Chapter 5

"Baby,"  
"Hmm?" Tyler hummed whilst sucking on the straw of the Starbucks that Jenna had bought them on the way to school before picking them up.   
"Do you wanna go on a date tonight? That new King Kong film is on at the movies, maybe grab some dinner too?"  
"We've got family therapy tonight."  
"I know darling, every Friday, but the screening doesn't start until 7. If you think therapy is gonna take it out of you then that's okay, you don't have to, s'just a suggestion." She explained as she drove. They couldn't drive, they'd tried once, Dad instructing from the passenger seat, but James had become over excited by the prospect of driving a real proper grown up car and forcefully seized control for the only time ever in his short life. Let's just say that young children don't drive for a reason and it was a miracle nobody died.

"Well nothing particularly traumatic has happened this week, we're sure therapy will be fine, movies sound great."  
"Don't jinx yourselves darling." Jenna laughed. "And food afterwards? Taco Bell have got a new Quesalupa out that I'm dyyyying to try,"  
"You're a woman after our own heart Jenna Black," they smiled. "And don't bring a purse, it's on us."  
"Thank you baby,"  
"How many tacos do you think we have to buy you to pay off the debt we're racking up for all the Starbucks and gas money?" Tyler asked with a joking smile that made their girlfriend chuckle.  
"Well don't be daft about gas money, I go this route to school anyway, and as for coffee, hmmm, well at least a thousand more dates should cover it."  
"Do kisses count for anything?"   
"They count for everything." She told him with a seductively calm tone that drove his alter wild. "However, if you intend to kiss me in the way your eyes are trying to suggest, you may make me crash the car and kill us all."  
"But Jennn we can't wait, you're so freaking beautiful."  
"And you're freaking adorable, but kisses have to wait till the parking lot."

"Hmph, Jen," they chuckled as they relived a memory, "remember that time we were in your car on the back seat in that parking lot uptown, and that old couple knocked on the window right when you were about to-"  
"Tyler!" She interrupted him embarrassed, going red in the face. That had been the last time they'd hooked up in public, scarring to say the least.

"Look, I know you want to be intimate Ty, but we've got to wait until you're less switchy." Jenna realised what they were thinking after a moment.  
"We're better Jenna, please, we've been more switchy than this and you've slept with us before."  
"And how did that end hey?" She replied doubtfully and Tyler remembered the two separate times that Andrew had taken over right when they were in the middle of things. "I love Andrew, you know I do, I love you all, but that doesn't mean I want to sleep with you all. I'm dating Tyler and Tyler alone, the others aren't invited into the bedroom."  
"No we know,"  
"What about James Ty? He's getting braver at the moment, starting to front a little more often, what if he was to get curious and come out, then suddenly I'm having sex with a 4 year old. It's just not worth the risk, I'm sorry but it's true."  
"He wouldn't."  
"He might, you don't know." Jenna responded. "It's an emotional thing, sex, so many feelings are going to be at their extremes and you know that makes your switches more rapid."

"Okay, let's not talk about sex any more, it's off the table till you say other wise." Tyler agreed.  
"Thank you baby, and I am proud of your progress and I know we'll get there."  
"I'm not rapid switching at the moment, I've been block switching."   
"Oh yeah? Good for you guys, give everyone a turn."   
"We even coaxed Cassie out last night."  
"That was brave of her, did she slip up at all? Do I need to do a self harm wound check?"   
"No no, she was good actually, really good."  
"Aww, proud of you girl," Jenna called out to Cassie, who wasn't listening but Tyler didn't tell his girlfriend that.

"It was a weird switch actually,"  
"How so?"   
"We went straight from James to Cassie, we've never done that transition before. Normally the person who gives Cassie the reins is Andrew."  
"And did it feel okay going that way? Did Andrew get upset or did you feel off?"  
"Andrew was protective but not jealous, and yeah, it did feel a bit peculiar."  
"Right,"  
"James was playing cars with Mom and they were racing them round and round the living room and then suddenly Cassie came on and burst into sobs. Mom thought James had hurt his foot running or something, but only once she started hugging Cassie did she realise who she was."  
"So it wasn't a chosen change?"   
"No, she just appeared, which is kind of strange because she's usually a weaker one."  
"Same with James." Jenna noted.   
"True."

"Ty I don't know how I feel about Cassie getting stronger."  
"We thought you liked her?"  
"I do, I adore her, I just don't necessarily trust her to act in your best interest."  
"No we get what you mean, I personally just think maybe giving her some control might increase her bravery and ergo her self belief, and hopefully that will reduce the self harm urges."  
"You know best baby," Jenna supported them.  
"And I'll make sure someone's on standby if she crumbles."  
"Someone internal or external?"  
"Well I was thinking internal, Johnny maybe?"  
"But hasn't Johnny harmed in the past as well?"  
"Distant past, he's better now, we all are."  
"Still, I'd feel more comfortable if you were with someone."  
"Okay, we'll talk to our mom about it."  
"Thank you darling." She smiled appreciatively as they parked next to the school. "And now for that kiss?"

 

 

  
Josh wasn't totally sure why he was so nervous and yet he could put his finger exactly on it, because it was always the same reason. After third period in LSR, Tyler had shown him the way back to the gym and made sure that Coach knew he was there, then he'd left for the canteen with his friends. Coach was in the middle of getting him the school kit to wear and Josh was tugging on his fingers and praying that there would be no reading involved in whatever was about to ensue.

"Here ya go kiddo, this should all fit a big strapping lad like yourself, but if not then let me know."   
"Okay thanks,"  
"Locker room is right over there, come back out when you're changed and leave your clothes in there. I haven't sorted you an actual locker yet but I'll have it by Monday, so just leave it on the bench."  
"And it will be safe?"  
"Definitely." Coach Bradshaw nodded, so Josh took the pile of clothing and entered the locker room across the hall.

To anyone else the locker room was fairly ordinary, beat up wooden benches lining rows of scratched blue lockers, all with a subtle stench of sweat. However for Josh, who was used to private education and the locker rooms that $18,000 a year got you, it was quite a sight. But he pushed aside the spoilt brat he so loathed in himself and dumped the uniform on the nearest bench and began stripping off.

Josh wasn't afraid to play baseball, it was all and everything he'd ever known. It was just the rest he was scared about, not knowing how dyslexia was going to fuck him over this time. Maybe the drills would be written up on a whiteboard that he wouldn't be able to read, maybe there would be a handbook for the school's code of conduct that would mean nothing to him, maybe the other boys would hate him, laugh at him, call him and idiot and shove his face to the dirt. Wouldn't be the first time.

With a sigh he repeated the mantra that mother doled out daily, a fresh start. A fresh start.

Speaking of fresh, the uniform that he now wore was anything but fresh. He was guessing second hand, maybe even third or fourth judging from the smell that wasn't hidden by the poignant attempts of some cheap sprays. There was no mirror in the room but he looked down at himself and for a moment convinced himself that this was some sort of initiation prank - there was no way kids actually wore these. He looked ridiculous.

But with yet another sigh, Josh bundled his clothes up and stuffed them in his bag then pulled out his glove before zipping it up and leave it on the bench. Here goes nothing.

"Looking good, feeling good?" Coach Bradshaw greeted him and he walked back out to where he was waiting. He knew for a fact he did not look good, block blue jersey clashing with block white pants and knee high blue socks that he had no idea whether to tuck or not. Don't get him started on the sneakers, some sort of slipper that appeared to have been mangled by a dog.  
"Yes sir."  
"Great, now, I see you've got your own glove so that's good. You're allowed to bring your own equipment but most of the boys just use school's. That uniform set is your own to keep for the season, however unfortunately if you want duplicates of anything then that is going to have to come out of your own pocket. Same with the caps and any of the Eagles themed merchandise you might see around campus. Funding follows success, and let's just say that my baseball team could use someone like you to take us up the league table, we've struggled a bit in the past."  
"Understood Coach."  
"You will need the school cap for games, and that's gonna cost you $30. I feel bad getting you guys to pay for you own but it's the only way I'm afraid, however if you can't cover the costs then there's a fundraising group I can put you in contact with."  
"No, thank you, I'll be able to pay for that." Josh answered, hopefully not seeming like the posh twat he felt he was.  
"Awesome, right, I'll write down the details for where you can purchase that on your schedule, meanwhile you run through there and start warming up."  
"Thank you Coach." He nodded then jogged into the basketball gym. At his old school it was unheard of for sports to share a space, but he told himself to shut up.

Everyone was jogging back and fourth and it was a little hard to distinguish between the identically dressed boys but Josh supposed there were between 15 and 20 players - not enough for a full roster by his calculation. Maybe training was split in half to better focus on each individual, or maybe anyone who could hold a bat was put on the team because they were desperately short of players. He didn't know, but he guessed he was about to find out.

"Yo, can I help you man?"  
"Uh, hi, Coach told me to come in here and warm up? I'm new?" Josh told the guy who had run up to meet him. He was just over 6ft, tan, straight white teeth, glint in his eye, fuckboy hair and a silver stud in one ear that he could pull off perfectly. Damn, Josh had found this school's ladies man.

"Josh right? He said you tried out yesterday?"  
"Yep,"   
"Awesome, well I'm Ryan, Ryan Hilton, captain." He introduced himself with a firm handshake and a cheeky smile.

 

 

When Josh got back from school, he was surprised to receive a moment to breathe. Matéo, the head gardener, had cut and striped the grass, which involved removing all of the baseball plates that usually found their home out there. Whilst he moved them back and sprayed the lines once again, Josh's father had told him to wait on the chaise longue in the hall and they could have a little 'man-to-man' after he changed out of his suit. The thought of a conversation with his dad was not something he particularly looked forward to.

It had been father's idea to get a full size baseball field marked on the back lawn, despite Josh's hesitations. He appreciated the gift, he did, and he knew it was done with the best intentions, he just couldn't imagine it ever being used to its full potential. As if he would ever have enough friends to fill a baseball field. But Josh told himself to stop enjoying the pity party instead be pleased that his father was investing so much into his baseball career.

"Much better." Father smiled as he sat next to him on the comfortable cough alternative, no longer wearing the ridiculously expensive Armani suit and instead wearing one of his many Indians jerseys. Being close friends with the club's owners had its advantages.

"Indeed sir,"  
"So, school baseball team, how's it looking?"  
"Underfunded, little short of men, but a couple of good pitchers."  
"And when we're saying good, are we meaning you good, or just eh, not bad."  
"Um, the captain's the only one that my old coach would consider putting on a team, but the rest aren't horrific sir."  
"You'll whip them into shape kiddo. And just think, you've only got a couple of months left at high school before you're off to college, and you're gonna stand out more to college scouts if you're miles above the rest."  
"Very true sir," Josh nodded, not deeming it wise to say that he doubted college scouts would come to watch games at the level their team was currently playing.

"What are you pair doing out here in the hall?" Mother asked as she walked round the corner and saw them, yoga mat under her arm and a bag in the other hand that cost more than the average college education. She'd said hall, and technically that was what it was, but it was wider than most rooms in other houses he'd been in. All the walls were decorated with paintings in gold frames, and even the chaise longue had gold detailing. Josh couldn't decide whether they had crossed the line from class to tack, but the interior decorator had jumped through all the hoops.

"Just having a conversation darling, you look beautiful, how was hot yoga?" Father asked, standing and greeting her with a passionate kiss that Josh couldn't bare to watch.  
"Well Summer decided to bombard me with gossip that I simply can't be dealing with, but other than that it was fine,"  
"I have something that will cheer you up darling, follow me, you too Joshua," he said, walking the long way through the mansion until they reached the kitchen where the chef was prepping dinner.

"Good afternoon Mr Dun, Mrs Dun, Mr Joshua."  
"Afternoon Joel," Josh was the only one to address him in response. "Smells good."  
"Thank you sir,"

"A beautiful gift for a beautiful lady." Father said, reaching into a drawer and pulling out a box containing a pair of earrings that looked identical to every other pair she'd ever been given. But nevertheless Josh smiled when she showed them to him proudly.  
"Thank you darling, they'll look beautiful with that new Oscar De La Renta dress." She smiled, then kissed Josh's father with far too much tongue to be appropriate in front of Joel. Joel was used to it.

"Joshua shouldn't you be training darling?"  
"The boys have redone the grass, they're just setting up for him. I told him he could stay downstairs and have a short break." Father explained, smiling as mother swapped her earrings for the new ones. "See kid, the key to a happy marriage is a contestant stream of gifts."  
"And love Bill, love."  
"Love, but the gifts don't hurt, do they darling?"  
"Most certainly not." Mother replied, kissing him again.

"Treat your woman right, never settle, always feel like she's out of your league and that way you'll work hard for her."  
"Yes sir,"

"How was baseball?" She asked, not bothered by father's 'tactic'.  
"It was good thank you Mother,"   
"He says they're underfunded."  
"Well why don't we sponsor them Bill? Not much, 30, 40 thousand dollars? Just for new kit."   
"What's the kit like?"  
"Not great."  
"What bats are they using?"  
"Bill you know he can't read the model name, don't be thoughtless."  
"I know, but my son knows baseball, doesn't need a label to understand quality."   
"They, um, I mean they're all one piece aluminium but half of them are dented and I didn't even recognise the colours of the logo so it's hardly a good brand." Josh admitted. "I told Coach I've got a couple of Maruccis and he looked shocked."  
"Well why don't you buy all the kids a few Marucci bats each darling?"  
"Mother no,"  
"Don't you want your team to have the best?" Father asked, a little taken aback.  
"I do, I do, I just don't wanna be the guy who buys his way into the group again."  
"Joshua they're not going to be mad at you if you buy them gifts." He replied, clearly not getting it, but Josh didn't get caught up on it because he felt his phone buzz in his pocket. A message notification lit up the screen and Josh was confused, he didn't have many friends but the few he sort of did always knew to call rather than text.

"What is it darling?"  
"I-I dunno,"   
"Joshua, don't be lazy."  
"I do not know." He corrected himself, perhaps a tiny bit passive aggressively, then passed his phone to his father to read for him.  
"It says: hey man, Ryan here, me and a couple of boys from practice are heading into town for food and wanted to know whether you wanna come too? Meeting outside Taco Bell at 8.30."  
"Joshua why's this boy with horrific grammar texting you, doesn't he know about your dyslexia?" Mother asked.  
"I haven't got round to telling him yet."  
"You've got no reason to be ashamed darling."  
"No I know, I will tell him, I was just too busy working hard at practice today." Josh knew the way to make her drop it.

"Good kid. Right, I've got no problem with you heading out tonight, all your siblings are out with friends too, Mother? Is that fine by you?" His father said.   
"As long as you stay safe and come home by 2am."  
"I'll get a car for you,"  
"Um, thanks," Josh said, not even sure he wanted to go out at all but knowing his parents wouldn't drop it if he didn't.  
"And Joshua, if you're going to be heading out this evening then I want you to get up earlier tomorrow to make up for missed practice." Mother told him whilst his father used the internal phones to tell a driver, still holding his iPhone for him.

"I have a golf lesson in the morning Mother, I was only planning on using the treadmill beforehand,"  
"Yes, at 8.30, there's easily room for some time in the nets as well as the treadmill."  
"Yes Mother."

"Charles is going to take you, thinks it will take 10 minutes so meet him at 8.15 in the courtyard. I've told him to meet you again at midnight where he drops you off, but call him if you need a change of plan."  
"Will do, thank you sir."  
"And I've messaged Ryan back, saying you'll see him there."  
"Right, thank you." Josh gulped as he took his phone back.  
"Come on, I'm sure Matéo will be done now, let's go squeeze in as much baseball as we can before you need to leave."

 

 

Tyler loved Jenna. He loved her, they all loved her, and they couldn't stop watching the way her perfect blue eyes smiled as they explored their surroundings. They'd never seen eyes smile before they'd met Jenna, and attraction was instant. 5 years they'd been dating, technically they'd taken a 6 month break in the middle of that, but neither of them included it. They were happy now and that was all that mattered.

"Ty babe, honestly you're as bad as James, come here," she laughed as she held them by their chin and rubbed away sour cream that had somehow found itself all over their face. Once she was done, she pecked them on the lips then sat back down on her side of the booth. Tyler was about to say something in response when suddenly they caught the flash of a varsity jacket from the corner of their eye. Upon second glance they saw a pack of baseball players ascending on the Taco Bell, their leader's laugh piercing through the noise.

"Ryan?" Jenna guessed from the look on their face, not wanting to turn over her shoulder and stare.   
"Yeh,"  
"Okay well don't panic, he's probably going to ignore us, just keep Andrew at bay and I'll do the rest if something happens."  
"Yeh," Tyler gulped anxiously, already having to work quite hard to get Andrew to sit down.  
"We've had such a lovely evening babe, you've done so well, just try and think about the movie, what was your favourite bit?"   
"Oh hey guys!" They suddenly heard a voice say, and snapped their head up to see Josh smiling at them, varsity jacket and all.

"Josh??"  
"Hi,"  
"Whatcha doing here?" Tyler told themselves not to panic, there was no reason to panic.   
"Just grabbing some tacos? I think that's what we're doing at least, I'm presuming they sell tacos here." He laughed sweetly.  
"You've never been before?" Jenna asked.  
"No never."  
"Dude you haven't lived."  
"I guess not." The red haired guy shrugged and laughed at himself again.

"Yo Josh, what's your order?" One of the generic perfect hair perfect teeth perfect body baseball players called from the group.  
"I'm not picky, whatever you're having," he called back, clearly avoiding having to read from the boards.  
"And you're here with them?" Jenna asked, failing to mask her disapproval.  
"Yep, they were all at practice at lunch, thought it best to get to know them since we're gonna be together like every single day."  
"Right," she nodded and Tyler couldn't help wishing that she'd be a tad more subtle. It was still early days of their friendship, they didn't want anything to disrupt it.

"You two on a date?" He asked, breaking the awkward silence that was threatening to fall over them. Tyler winced slightly at the number, Johnny desperately wanting to correct him that in reality there were 7 of them sat in the booth.  
"Yeah, Ty treated us to a movie and after this we're gonna head to my place for an early night."  
"What movie did you see?"  
"That new Kong one?"  
"Nice, nice," Josh hummed.   
"How about you? Got any plans after this?"  
"I dunno actually, Ryan, Ryan man, where we going after this?" He turned over his shoulder and called over to the guy who had spent the last 2 years doing just enough to make their life miserable in school and yet not enough to be branded with the title 'bully'.

"What we doing next?" Josh asked the captain who had walked over to them and thrown his arm around the new kid with a smirk.  
"We, my dear friend, are getting drunk in Jason's empty house." Ryan told him with a proud grin, all whilst sending Tyler daggers. "Come on J, come back to the boys,"  
"Nah you're alright, I know these guys."  
"You? You think you know these guys? You know them all?"  
"Yeah, I know them both," Josh nodded, oblivious to Tyler's thumping chest.   
"Pfff, please, you don't know the half of it, in fact, you don't know 5/6ths of it."  
"Ryan." Jenna warned protectively.  
"Yes Jenna?" He played innocent, arm still around Josh, who genuinely was innocent.

"Now's not the time for this."  
"No, you're right, now is the time for us to grab our order then go drink until our filters dissolve. You know what it's like, when you're drunk, all sorts of secrets come tumbling out." Ryan said menacingly, and suddenly Andrew snapped and seized control, desperate to protect the system. They stood up, bumping the table, and immediately shoved Ryan with both hands and caused him to stumble back a bit, arm ripped from Josh's shoulders.

"Don't fucking touch me, freak." Ryan retaliated, shoving Andrew back.  
"SHUT THE FUCK UP!"  
"Woah, woah come on guys," Josh stood in between them, and Ryan was soon joined by the entire baseball team.  
"Sweetheart please," Jenna took hold of Andrew's hand as she stood by their side.  
"Come on boys, that thing is fucking crazy, let's go," the captain tutted, then lead the group out of the fast food chain. Some of the last to leave held multipacks of tacos, but Andrew wasn't focused on them, they were watching the way Josh looked at them with confusion but mostly disappointment in his eyes. With a final shake of his head, he joined the team and quickly had an arm wrapped around his shoulder again.

"Drew, Drew baby breathe." Jenna forced eye contact, but Andrew didn't need the anger to be talked out of him because suddenly they had collapsed back onto the bench and into gasping sobs. They had no idea who was crying or why, but they were desperate heaves of air paired with thick tears, and Jenna sat next to them and pulled them tight against her chest soothingly.

"Shhhh, shh, shh Cass, shh, it's okay angel, shh," she stroked their back, presuming the suicidal alter was responsible for the breakdown, but honestly they had no clue who they were. "Cassie sweetheart, deep breaths, shhhh, shhh, I love you, I love you so much, shhh,"  
"J-j-jenn-na," they sobbed in a voice that none of them recognised.  
"Yeh I'm here angel, I've got you, shhh, deep breaths, shhhhh, should we go to my car? Yeah? Shhh, we can hug in the car, it's quiet there, would that be better?"  
"Y-yeh," the unidentifiable alter managed to nod.

It took Jenna's slow and patient help to get them into the car, then another 40 minutes of sobbing on the backseat before she could leave them alone for long enough to drive them back to their house. They weren't sure why they were crying, maybe it was Ryan, maybe family therapy had been too much, maybe Cassie really was in control, maybe they were scared because they didn't know who they were. Maybe it was Josh.


	6. Chapter 6

The first thought on Josh's mind when he woke up was regret. That sort of head splitting world spinning stomach sinking regret. His hand eye coordination, usually his pride and joy, failed embarrassingly as he missed the silent button on his alarm three times before finally ending the blares.

5.30am starts, he should have been used to them after almost 3 years of training before school every weekday and equally as bright and early on the weekend. But no, still it took all his willpower to roll out of bed and stagger towards the ensuite attached to his apartment sized bedroom.

Private school boys weren't exactly strangers to the drink, but damn, those boys last night could properly drink. The secretly stolen flasks of Papa's best bourbon sipped whilst smoking cigars in the pool house was a tad different from the gallons after gallons of low alcohol beer they had chugged from plastic bottles with peeling labels last night, and Josh pissed like a horse. Jesus, how had he not burst?

Speaking of bursting, his head felt like it was about to pop. Fuck, he could already imagine the connecting ping of ball to bat in the nets and feel the way the sound would make the ringing intensify unbearably. But he had brought it upon himself and therefore had to pay the price. However that didn't mean he couldn't take a couple of Advil once he finished pissing.

The clothes he'd worn last night, standard band tee and ripped jeans with the addition of his newest varsity jacket, had been drunkenly dumped in the laundry basket and one of the housekeepers will have it washed and ironed and back in his closet by the end of the day. In spite of that, he reached down and picked up the jacket, hoping to wear it again, but one sniff was enough to tell him that he couldn't wear it without the whole God damn golf club presuming he was some sort of alcoholic.

Josh wandered the excessively long way across to his walk in closet, instinctively tugging a jersey off a hanger and grabbing a pair of sweats and some underwear. He'd only lived in the house for a week and already he was overfamiliar with the routine. There was no point in showering, he'd only have to do it again in 2 hours. He also knew better than to strip naked and then get dressed, too many members of staff floating around. Instead he changed item by item like some embarrassed pubescent 13 year old in a swimming pool changing room.

Pyjamas were thrown onto his bed, long toss practice paying off. He hated how lazy his lifestyle made him, never making his bed or folding his clothes because a housekeeper would be along to do it in no time, but he validated himself by remembering that he was going to play 6 hours of baseball, 2 hours of golf and 2 hours of tennis today.

At that thought, a hungry growl escaped from within him and he began making his way down the 5 flights of stairs towards the kitchen. Hangovers never made him nauseous, which he guessed was a gift.

"Morning Mother," he called out to the woman who was doing yoga with her mat next to the large glass wall looking out over Josh's baseball field. In the far corner of their land, a completely glass and wood single level building was being constructed to host her daily yoga sessions, but due to the quick move it hadn't been finished yet. So instead she used the mass of available area in the corner, and honestly Josh didn't see why that couldn't be her permanent venue.

"Good morning darling, did you sleep well?"  
"Yes thank you Mother,"  
"What time did you and Charles get in last night?"  
"Just gone 3?" Josh admitted whilst taking his breakfast out of the fridge. At their last home he had an early morning chef just for him, but they were yet to fill the role and so instead he ate what Joel had prepared for him last night. Joel had made the move with them and was genuinely one of Josh's best friends, just not when his parents were around.

"You know Charles worked a 20 hours shift yesterday." He told his mom whilst heating the frittata a little.  
"It's what we pay him for darling,"  
"I know I know, I just feel bad, keeping him up all night. Can't be safe for him to drive, that's all."   
"Darling, if you're concerned about his bed time then maybe don't stay out until 3am next time."  
"Sorry Mother,"  
"And if you're suggesting we need a fourth driver then discuss it with your father, he's in charge of staffing."  
"No no, it's okay, honest."

"How was your party darling?" She asked, changing position to a different unnaturally flexible pose.   
"Wasn't a party, not really."  
"Certainly smells like it was."  
"Sorry,"  
"You'll just have to sweat it out before golf."  
"I'm sure I will."

"What did you get up to? Find some good friends?"  
"Yeah I think I did actually Mom, I think I did." He said with an honest smile, "It was just all the guys from baseball, we got some food from this place, Taco something, and honestly it was awful, but it was so bad that it was good? Then we went back to one guy's house and had a couple of drinks and everyone was super relaxed, super chill, made it really easy to open up."  
"I'm glad darling. Did you open up about your dyslexia?"  
"Yeah I did. It wasn't like a hug announcement to all of them, but I was in a subgroup with a few of them, and I just said that I couldn't read. A couple of them laughed because they were super drunk or something but the captain, Ryan, he just totally got it. He told them to shut up and in the end everyone was super understanding. Ryan even changed his name in my phone to an emoji so I'll be able to recognise him and call if I wanna talk."  
"Well you're certainly starting to sound like them already, super this, super that, don't let your father hear you talk in that manner."  
"Sorry Mother, I won't."  
"Good, and I'm pleased for you darling."  
"Thank you Mother."

"Was your buddy from the supported learning club there? Tyler?"  
"No, he's not on the team. Actually we did bump into him briefly at the food place, but he was being really odd. He tried to pick a fight with Ryan, shoved him, it was just peculiar."  
"Well if you have to pick sides then pick Ryan darling. He's captain of the baseball team so he's valuable, you need him in order to get to where you need to be."  
"Yes Mother."  
"Now hurry along and finish your breakfast so you can get outside and start warming up. I want to watch the sunrise behind you as you're training."

 

 

As always, Dad was downstairs reading the paper when Tyler finally emerged from the depths of their bedroom in search of dry toast to satisfy their cravings.  
"Oh, hello, thought you were staying at Jenna's last night?" He looked up as Tyler walked straight to the bread loaf then filled all four slots of the toaster with the white slices before turning to face the older man.

"Did you not hear us come in? At like 9.30-10ish?"  
"No?"  
"We were with Mom till like 3am, crying in our room." Tyler said blankly, too exhausted to care about how crap their dad was at coping with anything remotely related to mental health.  
"Oh,"  
"We had a really bad night Dad."  
"Right, um, okay, better now?"  
"No not really, we're like 80% sure there's a new alter developing." They stated with no remorse, leaning back and waiting for a reaction.  
"Another one? Jesus Christ Tyler, enough is enough."  
"Oh yeah, sorry Dad, totally didn't consider what an inconvenience this would be for you."   
"Hey don't get shitty with me kid, I'll have you know it is an inconvenience actually, have you got any idea what it's like to try and explain to people that your son thinks he's 6 people?"  
"Have you got any idea what it's like to be 6 people?!" Tyler snapped angrily.  
"No Tyler, no I don't actually! You know why?! BECAUSE IT'S NOT FUCKING REAL!" Their dad threw the poisoned arrow and bam, straight through the heart. They should have known better than to poke the beast, idiots.

"You're not a fucking middle aged man, you're not a fucking 4 year old, you're not a fucking girl Tyler! You're my son! Jesus Christ you're my 17 year old son and your goddamn name is Tyler Robert and I've had enough of this make believe shit, I'm done playing along!"  
"CHRIS! CHRIS STOP IT!" They heard their mom shout from upstairs, alongside loud thuds as she raced down the stairs to intervene.

"He's fucking doing it again Kelly, adding another person."  
"Chris it's not a choice okay, please, don't do this, don't upset them further."   
"Oh of course it's a fucking choice. He said it last night with the shrink, he thinks he's not getting enough of my fucking attention. Now suddenly there's another fucking alter? Coincidence my arse." Dad spat as if they weren't in the room.   
"Tyler, go next door and put your fingers in your ears, Mom and Dad need a little chat." She said to them but they were frozen, unable to move.

"See! He's bloody attention seeking now!"  
"They're scared Chris, you've scared them,"  
"Me?! This is not my fault, this is Michael's fault!"  
"Never say that name in front of them again." She warned him sternly and aggressively.

"All I did was say I thought he was at Jenna's! He's the one who fucking blew up at me for no God damn reason!"  
"They're exhausted, we were up half the night, and they're sick Chris. Your child is sick, stop blaming them." Mom told him then turned to face them. "Sweetheart, come with Momma okay? Mom's gonna take you somewhere quiet, somewhere safe," and that was all they needed to hear before trusting her enough to take the hand she had extended and let her show the way out of the kitchen and into the living room.

"You're safe handsome, you're safe," she murmured soothingly as they both sat on the fluffy rug in the middle of the room and hugged. "I'm so so sorry that Daddy shouted, that he said bad things, but he doesn't mean them guys. He's just sad that you're sick, he's not really cross." She went on to say and nobody believed her.

"Please Ty, say something, anything," Mom hugged them tight but they couldn't. "Okay, okay this isn't fair that Dad's done this to you, especially not after last night. Mom's going to go and make Dad say sorry, you stay here and keep your fingers in your ears." She said before leaving them alone to go and scream at Dad. It happened a lot. Fingers in their ears didn't help.

Instead, Tyler, who had surprisingly been able to stay in the driver's seat, lied down on the fluffy rug and began slowly rolling back and forth and back and forth and back and forth, bouncing numbly with their hands latched onto their hair.

The motion was comforting at a very very low level, and the noise their body made as they rolled drowned out some of the other noise, but screams were always easy to hear through one thin wall.

"HE'S SICK, HE'S UNWELL AND SHOUTING WON'T MAKE HIM BETTER!"  
"HE'S FAKING!"  
"HES STRUGGLING CHRIS, HE'S HURTING AND YOU'RE NOT HELPING HIM!"   
"AT LEAST I TRIED TO HELP HIM! I BEAT THE SHIT OUT OF MICHAEL, YOU FUCKING INVITED HIM INTO OUR HOME! YOU INVITED OUR KID'S RAPIST INTO OUR FUCKING HOME!"  
"THIS IS NOT MY FAULT!" Mom screamed and Tyler began to panic, small whimpers joining the quickening rocking motion.

"YOU JUST DEAL WITH HIM BECAUSE YOU FEEL GUILTY!"  
"I DEAL WITH HIM BECAUSE HE'S MY SON AND I LOVE HIM!!"   
"I DO TOO, HIM, NOT THE FUCKING IMAGINARY FRIENDS YOU CONTINUE TO FUCKING ENDORSE!"  
"HE THINKS HE'S REALLY THESE OTHER PEOPLE! FOR HIM IT IS REAL!"

"Yo, Ty, you having a seizure or summat?" They heard Zack say from the door, joining them in the room, but that didn't stop the rocks and the whimpers. "Oh shit man, wait, are you actually?"  
"Mom and Dad, Mom and Dad, Mom and Dad, Mom and Dad, Mom and Dad, Mom and Dad, Mom and Dad, Mom and Dad, Mom and Dad," they swapped to murmuring as Zack sat on the rug next to where they rocked.   
"Got it, they're fighting again, why exactly does that mean you have to pull off this rather accurate impression of a beached whale?"

Tyler couldn't answer, however Zack simply laid down on the floor beside them and held eye contact for a while.  
"You're safe. Nobody will hurt you. I will protect you. You're completely safe."  
"Mich-l." They managed to squeak.  
"Michael's locked up still. You're safe."

"HE NEEDS TO BE IN A FUCKING HOSPITAL OR A HOME OR SOMETHING!"  
"YOU KNOW WE CAN'T AFFORD THAT CHRIS!"

"Tyler you're already in a home, our home, and I won't let anybody take you out of it if that's not what you want." Zack told him clearly with no room for misinterpretation and Tyler wished he would be like this more often. They wished it didn't have to take rolling on the floor whimpering to an anthem of screams for their brother to show that deep down he did sort of give a damn?

 

 

Golf was not Josh's thing. Driving had some similarities to baseball but he was like Happy Gilmore, all long no putt. The two hours intensive tutoring on his short game that morning had, expectantly, shown no signs of improvement. However he wouldn't give up, he wouldn't stop playing, he was a Dun, that was what they did.

"Oh sweetheart, I do love that colour on you," Mother told Ashley as she joined the rest of the family at their table after her private lesson. All 4 siblings had individual private lessons every Saturday, usually at a different club closer to their old home, but father had played here many a time and deemed it good enough to become their regular.

The older of his two sisters smiled at her outfit before kissing her mother and her father on their cheeks and sitting next to Josh.  
"Thank you Mother, your stylist recommended it for me, said I suit the darker red tones."  
"Well he certainly has a good eye." She smiled. "How was your lesson?"  
"Good thank you, we spent the majority of it out on the driving range and I must say Father, I simply adore my new 5-iron."  
"Only the best for my princess," Father told her with a smiling nod.  
"Although even my new clubs offer no help when it comes to pushing the 200 yard line."  
"See that's where you need Joshua Ashley, he'll show you how it's done, put those baseball arms to good use."  
"Happy to help." Josh nodded.

"Good morning, my name's Gregory and I'll be your waiter today. There are menus in front of each of you, however can I get any drinks whilst you're deciding what you'd like to eat today?" A man dressed in a cheap tux came up to the table to ask.  
"Tell me son, which waters do you stock?"  
"We offer complimentary unbottled water, or alternatively Voss, AquaDeco or Veen."  
"Veen, yes, 6 bottles of Veen for now."  
"Sir we charge $35 per-"  
"Did nobody teach you that speaking of money at the dinner table is rude?"  
"I do apologise sir, I'll get your drinks." He said embarrassed, walking away considerably quicker than he had approached.

"Was that really necessary sir?" Josh asked his dad, feeling bad for the waiter.  
"Yes it was darling, now, what would you like to eat and I'll tell you if it's on the menu." Mother answered for him.  
"I already ate."  
"That was breakfast, this is brunch. And it was 5 hours ago may I add."  
"Come on son, if you're expecting results from the machine then you've got to keep it fuelled." Father joined in. "Corey will be meeting us at home for 4 hours of batting training, you need to give yourself the energy to take full advantage of the opportunity to sort out your horrendous rotation. Plus all 4 of you have tennis courts booked at the country club tonight."  
"Thank you Father," Abigail chimed from the other end of the table.

"I'm not hungry, you choose,"  
"If you've got a bad stomach because of the drinking last night then that's your weight to carry, you knew what you had in stall today, it was your choice. Don't make the rest of his suffer because of your bad judgement." Father said and Josh was confused because how on earth was this making them suffer?? But he'd learned over the years not to talk back.

"Joshie boy? Is that you? Dude I had no idea you came here!" He heard Ryan and turned to meet eyes with his new found best friend. Josh stood up and hugged him, noting how his varsity jacket also stank of booze and should not have been worn again, but of course made no comment.

"Joshua, who's this?"  
"Mother, Father, this is Ryan."  
"Ryan Hilton, captain of your son's baseball team, pleasure." He shook Father's hand first.  
"Bill Dun, nice to meet you son,"   
"Laura," mom also introduced herself between kisses of each cheek.

"Hey little guys," Ryan waved at Josh's siblings, all of whom were too old, or too mature at least, to be grateful for the patronising greeting.  
"Hi," "hey," "hey," they all replied dutifully.  
"Joshua darling, do you want to go off with your friend? I'll have someone collect you when our food's ready."  
"Thank you Mother,"  
"Nice to meet you all," Ryan said as they began walking off together.

"Dude how's your head this morning?"  
"Needed a couple of Advil to get me started but I'm good now, you?"  
"I'm a seasoned pro, last night's session barely displaced a hair." He laughed as they left the restaurant and sat on the wall outside.

"I didn't know you were a member here,"  
"Only moved a week ago, don't get much time for golfing if I'm honest. How long have you been a member?" Josh asked.  
"Me?" He laughed. "In my dreams man, in my dreams. Nah I'm a junior instructor, teach the little squirts which end of the club to hold then set them loose with a basket of balls, end of the hour their parents give me enough cash to afford the drinks we had last night."  
"Sweet."  
"Not all of us are born with a silver spoon up our butt, I mean Jesus dude, your parents are posh."  
"I guess?"  
"Am I allowed to call you Jooossshuaaa?" He teased and Josh laughed and shoved him playfully.

"You have a good time last night though man?"  
"Really good thanks, really good." Josh nodded honestly.  
"All the boys love you dude,"  
"Really? Awesome, thanks for inviting me."  
"Any time, we do it every week so feel free to add it to your calendar, or, yanno, whatever dyslexics do instead of calendars."   
"We have moms who tell us what we're doing." He laughed.

"Actually man, I do have one question about last night,"  
"Fire away." Ryan said with a smile.  
"When we were at Taco Bell, what went down with Tyler? Why did he flip out like that?"  
"Pff, who knows why Ty does any of the crap that he does." He shrugged before taking a moment and continuing. "He, uh, a while back he dated my brother? Michael, he's a year above us, but they played basketball together and then one day they were doing more than that together. He was dating Jenna at the time, he dumped her in favour of Michael and for a while they were super good together. Then, I dunno why man, maybe the guilt of cheating on Jenna or something like that, Ty just started acting up."  
"Yeh," Josh nodded.

"Michael was super worried about him, always asking me whether something had happened in class or if I knew why he wasn't happy. I wasn't particularly close with him, didn't really have anything in common except my brother, but as far I'm aware there was nothing going on at home or anything. And even if there was, he would have told Michael yanno? They were tight."  
"Right."

"And yeah, it just got worse and worse until eventually there was this big blow up and the breakup was really bad and Tyler's hated me ever since."  
"Shit man, that's awful."  
"Michael took it heavy, like heavy heavy, I've never seen him like that before. I think he properly loved Ty or something, and when it all went wrong he was a mess, I mean I caught him trying to hang himself once."  
"Oh fuck, I'm sorry, is he okay now?"  
"Prison." Ryan said, not making eye contact for reasons that Josh fully understood. "He spiralled man, got caught up in hash dealing, got busted moving half a kilo and now he's serving 18 months."  
"That's shit, I'm sorry,"  
"Nah it's okay, he's doing alright, got his head together again, is even up for early release for good behaviour."   
"Oh that's good." Josh replied, trying not to make it obvious that he was from a squeaky clean family and didn't even know anyone who knew anyone who had gone to jail.

"But yeah, Ty just pushes my buttons."  
"Understandable."  
"How'd you know him?"  
"He's in the classroom where I do my dyslexia stuff, Miss Draper paired us together. I mean he told me that he had anxiety and panic attacks, where does that fit in with Michael?"  
"Oh is that what he said?" Ryan seemed doubtful and Josh was even more confused. The guy had seemed so innocent. "Listen man, all I'm gonna say is that guy is trouble. He hasn't told you everything, and it's not really my place to say so unless you're gonna get me fucked up enough, you're just gonna have to ask him. But my advice? Don't bother, he's fucking insane."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you had a good day xx  
> If not, tomorrow's a fresh start x


	7. Chapter 7

Because blow ups between their parents were a regular occurrence, the resolution was something they were extremely familiar with. Tyler and co would be shipped off to Granny's house for the remainder of the weekend and she would drop them off at school on Monday morning, then they'd get the bus back and the argument would never be spoken of again.

Until the next weekend, when it would no doubt be repeated.

Their room at Granny's was nice, technically it was the guest room but they were the only guest she ever had. Mom always praised them for spending so much time there, saying she got lonely since Grandpa died 4 years ago, but it wasn't exactly their choice. But nevertheless they usually enjoyed it in spite of the circumstances. A small part of Tyler wished he could live there permanently.

Tyler was Tyler, and had been Tyler all morning so far. The mystery alter hadn't made another fronting appearance since the breakdown in Taco Bell, but Tyler could still feel them there. They knew what it felt like to develop or discover new alters, after all they'd done it 5 times before, and yet they couldn't describe the uncomfortable and yet intriguing process.

The DID expert that they could only afford to see 3 times had said they were quite unusual as a system, only having 6 alters, and most of his patients had 20 or 30. However he'd told them that 6 might not be everyone, and they had to keep working and exploring and seeking out other alters. Tyler hadn't been seeking, more stumbled across this personality, but the end result was the same.

Johnny had been the most recently discovered alter before this one, but even that had happened 18 months ago and Tyler couldn't remember how they did it. They tried to think of anything they'd done in therapy, a way of making the new alter feel comfortable enough to introduce themselves, but was drawing a blank. At that point Johnny suggested mapping out the entire system and Tyler decided that he was probably right. It might not pull Newbie out but it did always feel good to have everything down on paper.

The fact that they always had an overnight bag readily packed said a lot about their home situation, but Tyler tried not to think of that as they pulled out their journal and a pack of coloured pens, then laid back down on the double bed and began ripping a handful of pages out, careful not to break the string and glue spine. They loved their journal, but this task required a big space.

Only once all the sheets were equally spread out in a big square did Tyler grab the washi tape that Cassie secretly loved but felt she didn't deserve, then began sticking the pages together until they had one solid sheet to begin working on. The first name they wrote and circled in black felt tip was their own.

Tyler  
Host, 17, male  
Strong front, daily appearances  
Panic attacks and history of self harm   
Trauma holder  
Good self esteem and confidence usually  
Safe

Andrew  
Protector, 23, male  
Strong front, regular appearances, most days   
Aggressive tendencies  
Trauma holder  
Unpredictable

Blurryface  
Violent, unknown, male?  
Powerful but inexperienced front, rare appearances  
Murderous tendencies, power crave, arrested  
No regard for wellbeing of the body  
Trauma holder  
Dangerous

Johnny  
Rational, 35, male  
Strong front, daily appearances   
Highly intelligent and logical, problem solver  
Best understanding of the entire system and each alter  
Poor grasp of emotions and feelings  
Trustworthy

Cassie  
Self-destroyer, 17, female  
Weak front, rare appearances  
Zero confidence, self esteem or sense of worth  
Significant self harm and suicide risk   
Sensitive

The final alter Tyler wrote out was James, but just before the black pen touched the paper, the young boy suddenly cried out excitedly that he wanted blue, yes, blue, blue was the best colour in the whole wide world, no, wait, red! Red like Josh's hair! It was the best! Or blue like Jenna's eyes, they were both super super cool! Tyler laughed at him a little then grabbed a blue pen to write out his profile.

James  
Littleone, 4, male  
Weak front, increasing in strength but still rare  
Easily scared and spooked  
Unifies the system  
CARS CARS CARS  
Innocent

Once Tyler was satisfied all their profiles were finished and took a moment to savour the pure joy James expressed over the mention of his favourite toy, they pulled out a handful of other colours and got back to work.

Different colours represented the different relationships each alter had, green obviously signifying good and red bad, then yellow lines showing the usual transition paths and purple linking the shared interests with the help of a black fineliner to write what that interest actually was. Sometimes the red lines were thicker and black words like EXPLOITIVE and TAKES ADVANTAGE ran with them. But there was some hope decorating the green lines, SUPPORTIVE, ENCOURAGING.

The lines and links and ligations filled the white gaps between the 6 bubbles quickly, and Tyler was so absorbed in the project that they barely noticed when Granny walked in.

"Hey there lovely,"  
"Oh, hi, sorry,"  
"That's okay lovely, what you working on? An arts and crafts project?" She asked, smelling of the rain and candy wrappers found down the backseat of a rental car on a long drive. Smelling familiar. Smelling safe.

"Uh yeah, yeah something like that." They offer, scratching the back of their head.  
"It looks very impressive."  
"Thank you Granny,"  
"Just wanted to check on you, check you're okay lovely."  
"We're okay," they nodded.  
"I made some pancakes downstairs? You don't have to but they're for you if you want them lovely."  
"Oh, thanks, that's really nice." Tyler said, but didn't stand up.

"I spoke to Mom on the telephone." Granny told them, sitting down on the mattress with a slight groan. "She said you're hearing another new voice?"  
"Yeh," Tyler nodded. Granny didn't get it completely, however in a weird way she was better than most because she respected them in spite of not fully understanding. She was always willing to listen, always happy to change pronouns or names if they asked, always trying her best to learn more.

"What's the voice called?"  
"We don't know yet,"  
"What do you know lovely?"  
"Very little actually, um, they're really tearful, really upset,"  
"Are they nice to you Tyler?"  
"We don't know,"  
"I hope they are."  
"Us too Granny, us too."

"Would you like to see something?"   
"Uh yeah, sure." Tyler nodded, watching as she stood back up and swearing they heard a squeak. James laughed at the thought of her being a robot but Tyler was concerned by how frail she was getting.   
"Follow me lovely, follow me."  
"Okay," they said, slowing to walk at her pace as they went across the small landing and into her bedroom.

"Sit yourself down lovely, get comfy." She instructed whilst pulling out a drawer and taking out two photographs then joining him on her bed. One of the photos was old and black and white and seemed to have a slight orange tinge to the fragile curled card, whereas the other was the latest addition of Maddy's school photo. Granny always bought all of their school portraits every year, and it warmed Tyler's heart.

"See this one, this is your sister,"  
"Yeah,"  
"And this photo is from when I was a girl, your age actually Tyler, 17. I was looking the other day, and don't we look similar?"  
"Oh wow, that's crazy," Tyler smiled as they recognised their little sister's smile in the 70 year old photo. "You look identical."  
"Here, look closer." She gave them the photos and they held them up close.

"That one there's your Grandpa." Granny pointed with a shaking shrivelled finger.  
"Oh yeah, we can see his eyes actually."  
"He always had the most handsome twinkle."  
"Definitely."

"Do you remember him Tyler? Grandpa?"  
"Course we do Granny, the way he used to take us to the park on Sunday after Church and pretend it was for a walk but really we'd go to the cafe and eat carrot cake." They shared, knowing Granny would appreciate the memory.  
"Oh did you now?" She laughed. "Sounds like Grandpa,"

"We miss him too." Tyler said a minute later as she stared at the photo sadly. "Are you okay Granny?"  
"Sorry lovely, I'm okay."

"Who are the others in the photo?"  
"They were our friends, we used to go on holiday to the beach in Jersey every year, it was a big deal in those days. That's Barry, Grandpa's best friend, and that's Barry's girlfriend at the time, Julia. This one is Angela, urm, his name is Paul, she's Sylvie and then that's my best friend Willow." The woman explained and suddenly a knot became untaggled, a rope unfrayed, a filament bulb unblew. Willow. Alter number 7. Her name was Willow.

 

 

"Joooeeellll," Josh whinged playfully as he trudged into the kitchen where the chef was doing something chefy, carrying his laptop in one hand.   
"Whaaaaatttt,"  
"My 'puter's broken,"  
"Gimme," he instructed, wiping his hands on his apron and taking the computer off him.

"It just says you need to update it, am I good to click okay?"  
"Yeah go for it," Josh nodded, sitting on the high stool next to the food preparation area and reaching across to steal a slice of tomato. Joel clicked a few things, then put the device back down. There was absolutely no denying that the latest model of the newest laptop was completely wasted on Josh who could only use it for watching cat videos, and even to do that he had to use a bookmark because he couldn't spell cat.

Sunday mornings were his lazy mornings. His family all went to their old church in Cleveland for social reasons, a 6 hour total trip including the sermon, and Mother had said that he needed to be training in that time. He could pray in his own time - not that he had any. And he would train, he would, he just took a little break to watch kittens fall off toilet seats. In his mind, he had earned it after another intense week.

"Oi, if you're hungry then I'll rustle you something up, those tomatoes are for your mother's dinner."  
"I'm a growing boy, I'm always hungry."  
"And yet you never eat."  
"That's just not true." Josh laughed but Joel didn't. "You know me, I gotta keep the diet strict, proteins make the man."  
"They make the man ill Josh."  
"I'm not ill, I'm alright,"  
"Well we know that's not true, need I mentio-"  
"No you need not, that was the past and I'm better now."  
"Yesterday you did 10 hours of exercise and ate about 1500 calories."  
"1500 calories of pure protein, builds muscle," he flexed his impressive bicep but Joel wasn't amused.

"Carbs Josh, when was the last time time you ate a potato?"  
"Carbs are the ultimate sin to athletes, everyone knows that."   
"If you're not eating carbs then your kidneys are gonna start burning glycogen, glycogen contains water which is ultimately gonna lead to dehydration. Dehydration puts strain on your kidneys which are then gonna stop processing calcium, and that strain could cause a permanent complete loss of kidney function. Don't get me started on malnutrition-"  
"Joel you're 5 years older than me, you're not my dad. My actual Dad has coached me my whole life, he knows me and my body."

"I don't really care what your dad has told you to be honest, I went to culinary school for 3 years and I can tell you right now, this isn't sustainable, isn't healthy, isn't safe."  
"Whatever," Josh rolled his eyes.   
"Josh I'm trying to give you a wake up call that I think you've got an eating disorder, please don't 'whatever' me."   
"Eating disorder? Are you kidding me? Friday night I ate 6 tacos and drank about 2000 calories."  
"If you're fine then eat the yolk of an egg."  
"You're the expert here Joel, you know yolks are full of cholesterol, I'm not gonna do that to myself." Josh scoffed, climbing off the stool and storming towards his equipment room to go and kit up so he could train.

"Josh," Joel called out calmly and Josh stopped in his tracks, knowing he was only upset because Joel had struck a nerve. He had been losing weight recently, losing muscle definition in spite of keeping up the same workout. He'd had his suspicions about his diet for a while, just hated the idea that he was responsible for his own regression.

"Eating disorder was harsh, let me draw you up a meal plan? High protein, low fat, low cholesterol. Get you eating properly."  
"If I want something off then you have to take it off,"  
"Absolutely, I'm not gonna force you into eating something you're not comfortable with, I'm trying to help."  
"I know, and I appreciate that, sorry for overreacting." Josh sighed defeated with a small sorry smile, sitting down again.

"I get it, you're an athlete, you wanna do what's best for your body and your training,"  
"I do, I really do,"  
"You've got restrictions that other athletes don't, you can't go online and Google the best nutrition strategies or read the health magazines - all your information comes straight from your dad. And I know he's my boss, but he's old school. Let me help you do this properly?"  
"Thank you Joel."

"I'll finish this then we'll work it out together,"  
"Thank you. What are you making?"  
"Basically an overcomplicated tomato salsa, it's gonna be served with plank salmon that's marinating right now."  
"Sounds amazing,"  
"It's got a good amount of complete proteins in, we can include that in your plan if you'd like?"  
"Yeah awesome, thank you."

"Enough about food plans for now though, what's being a public school boy like?"  
"Different." Josh laughed.  
"Very different, and by different you mean worse? Because I hated high school."  
"There are some areas of, uh, of weakness I guess? I mean locker rooms, showers, the way everything smells like something I shouldn't trust?"  
"Hahaha oh the good old days," Joel laughed as he began cooking again.  
"But honestly, the additional needs team is a million times better."  
"Oh yeah?"  
"Yeah, at Weston it was so focused on elitism that if you dropped behind then you got dropped full stop. Here at Liberty they support you at every level, which is such a nice change."  
"No child left behind."  
"Exactly!" Josh exclaimed, pleased the chef understood, but then saw him laugh a little.

"Sorry, sorry, it's just that that's the name of the law which explains why they've got to support you at every level."  
"Ah, right, okay," he smiled at himself, a little embarrassed by his sheltered knowledge. "Well it's working for me."  
"And I'm pleased Josh, I know academics has been crap up until this point for you, I'm glad it's looking up."  
"Thank you."

"How about other aspects? Athletics?"  
"I haven't actually had a gym class yet but the baseball team have been super welcoming. Not the most skilled guys I've ever played with, but they're funny."  
"Josh you've played with Francisco Lindor, they'd have quite a claim to fame if they impressed you more than he did."   
"Very true, very true, but you know what I mean."  
"You mean they're crap but you're too polite."  
"You said it not me." Josh laughed.

"Worried they're not gonna push you hard enough?" Joel asked, whisking some oil thingy in a jug.  
"A bit,"  
"Don't worry, I'm sure your old man will up the pressure even further if he thinks you're slipping."  
"That's one thing we can rely on."   
"Like the sun rising." The older agreed. "If the school team isn't doing it for you then let me know and I'll do research into finding a Minor Baseball League team that's gonna stretch you."  
"Joel you don't have to do all of this for me, s'not your job."  
"Eh, chef, big brother, practically the same thing." He shrugged with a smile. "At the end of the day if I make the food I get my cheque, doesn't cost me anything to be nice whilst I'm doing it."   
"Thank you Joel,"  
"Pleasure."  
"I'm so happy you moved with us, wouldn't be the same without you."

"Alright enough flirting, tell me about your new friends here instead. I overheard your parents saying they were very pleased you seemed to have found a good group who are considerate towards your dyslexia."  
"People are weird here,"  
"It's high school, all high schoolers are weird." Joel smirked. "And hey, you're hardly normal, 30+ hours of baseball outside of school a week, 11 members of staff waiting on you hand and foot,"  
"Never read a word in my life,"  
"Never read a word in your life." He repeated, both of them smiling.

"So go on, what have these kids done that's so bad eeeeven you think they're weird?"   
"The school set me up with this one kid, Tyler, and he's in the learning support room with me."  
"Dyslexic?"  
"No, he told me he panics and had to take a bunch of time off school because of it."  
"Right,"  
"And when we're together he's really nice to me, like he's always checking I'm okay and he showed me some of his favourite music and helped me learn my way round a bit and set me up with the baseball coach. He was totally fine with my dyslexia and he made me feel so comfortable, and he's on a reduced timetable so he doesn't have to be in everyday but he came in anyway to make sure I wasn't alone."  
"Where's the but?"  
"Well it's complicated. On my first day he promised the woman in charge that we could go for lunch together, but as soon as we got to the canteen he just dumped me on his friends and went off with his girlfriend without an explanation."  
"Hmm, right,"

"Then I went out with the baseball team on Friday and by complete coincidence Tyler was there with his girlfriend. I was with the captain, Ryan, and Ryan was being totally pleasant and out of nowhere Tyler just shoved him really hard and screamed at him to shut the fuck up."  
"And he was doing nothing wrong?"  
"Nope."  
"Right,"

"So we left, which was Ryan's call and I totally respect him for deescalating the situation but Tyler shouldn't have made us so uncomfortable that we all had to leave."   
"No absolutely not."  
"Anyway, I asked Ryan about it yesterday because he was at the golf club and he explained that there's some history to it. Apparently Tyler dated Ryan's big brother and for a while they were really happy and in love, then out of nowhere Tyler started being really off and worrying Michael,-"  
"Ryan's brother?"  
"Yeah, started worrying him and then one day there was this massive fight and they broke up. Ryan still doesn't know exactly what happened but Michael tried to kill himself,"  
"Oh Jesus,"  
"I know right? And he went completely off the rails, now he's in jail for drugs or something. So Ryan obviously has some valid reasons against Tyler, and on top of that he told me there's more to it."  
"Yeah,"  
"He didn't tell me what, just said Tyler was trouble and to stay away. So now I've got no clue what to think because on the most part Tyler is so nice to me, and yet there's all this other stuff going on and I just have no clue where I stand with him."

"Congratulations Josh,"  
"Huh?" He asked confused.  
"Congratulations man, you've managed to get yourself caught up in petty drama without even realising it, you're officially a proper high schooler," Joel smiled and Josh laughed. "It'll blow over, it's high school, it always does."


	8. Chapter 8

Getting lost was one of Josh's biggest and most real fears, and the reason why his first run in their new home was over a week after they moved in. Sure, he'd done sprint training every day and a few sessions on the treadmill, but it had been a while since he'd done proper headphones on, mind zoned out, sneakers to sidewalk sort of running.

Dyslexia was definitely the reason behind his phobia, not being able to read street signs or road names and never really getting the opportunity to familiarise himself with routes with someone's help because he was always being driven places. Even if he did get lost and stopped to ask someone for directions, being told to walk so far then turn up a street called whatever didn't help when you couldn't recognise the word if it smacked you in the face.

It took a lot of bravery for Josh to leave the house alone if he was honest, and yet it was something that nobody ever really thought of.

He then proceeded to tell himself to end the pity party, if he was really that scared then he didn't need to do it, nobody was forcing him, but that didn't last long before he told himself to stop. Feelings were valid. Fears were valid. He was valid.

Therapy could teach him a lot of mantras but at the end of the day Father paid the sport psychologist to help with baseball and his match mindset, not with the trials and tribulations of a learning disability. Of course the therapist tried to get him to talk about it, but talking wouldn't help him read and so a minute of protesting had ensured the professional never mentioned it again. Pfff, some professional.

"Darling, are you heading out for a run?" Mother asked, the only other family member who was awake before 6am on a school day. She was doing yoga, as ever.  
"Yes Mother,"  
"Okay, remember to warm up and cool down properly,"  
"I will Mother, actually Mother,"  
"Yes darling?"  
"Would you mind typing our new address into my phone for me please?"  
"Why? You won't be able to read it."  
"No I know, but I've memorised how to copy and paste something from notes and put it into maps if I need it."  
"Darling you shouldn't be running with a phone open in your hand, it's going to slow down your productivity, that and it's not safe, you should be looking where you're going not at a screen. If you're yet to learn the area then go to the outhouse and ask the night guard to go with you."  
"Mother please, I'm not going to run with my phone out and I don't need security. It's just in case."  
"Fine." She sighed, standing up from her position and taking the device off him, typing quicker than he could imagine possible.

"Your address is something you need to know though Joshua, off by heart."   
"No I don't, I can't fill in forms and I have drivers to take me everywhere, there's no need. I'm off to college soon and I'll have a new one."  
"How about if you're inviting friends around? How are they going to know where to come?"  
"Never in my life have I had a friend round."  
"Fresh starts."  
"Well now I've got it saved. Even a dyslexic can text a screenshot." Josh sighed as he took his phone back and plugged his headphones in, then slotted the device into the band on his arm.

"Joshua you're in an argumentative mood this morning, I don't like it."   
"Sorry Mother,"  
"I thought it would be good for you and your siblings, meet people from other walks of life, maybe I was wrong about this whole public school lark. Maybe they're rubbing off on you too much."  
"I do apologise Mother, I'm just pumped for my run, it's getting to my head."   
"Joshua did you take too much preworkout supplement again?"  
"No no, that's only for weights and I'm sticking to the recommended servings now."  
"Good because you know what happened last time you started upping your intake, that doctor looked at me like I was the worst parent in the world."  
"Sorry Mother,"  
"Go on, enjoy your run and sweat this behaviour out please."  
"Yes Mother, thank you," Josh said then jogged out of the room and pressed the play button on the bar midway down the cable. In spite of the fact he hadn't even left the house, let alone the property, he began to jog as a gentle warm up.

He thought about what his mother had just said, why she didn't want him overdoing the supplements - she feared the judgement of the doctors. No, she wasn't scarred by the not so distant memory of her oldest son collapsing to the ground in the gym and having a seizure before being blue lighted to hospital for a 3 day admission. That bit didn't seem to bother her, instead it was the way people would look at them.

With a sigh, Josh pressed the buzzer and jogged on the spot whilst the gates opened, then snuck through once the gap was wide enough to fit his broad shoulders and began running down the ridiculously long drive and away from his family and their staff.

The seizure incident had been about 3 months ago and had been pretty close to rock bottom for him. School was shit. It was the time when he'd started paying closer attention to the rumours that the top layer were looking for a way to have him gone and he was desperately grappling to pull together a convincing reason he should stay. Academics were getting him nowhere, no, the only real strength he had was baseball and he became determined to improve so vastly that they wouldn't be able to let him go.   
It had worked out great.

A desperate student with a shockingly low amount of self belief or esteem combined with a gym was never going to end well, add in a father who knew no boundaries and was never satisfied, plus the pressure of his whole family's future riding on his back and the offer of a magic substance that would make training worth more. Some would call it suicide, Josh called it his life. That was until his body couldn't take the strain anymore and he was ordered to stop to prevent anymore seizures or a heart attack.

And that was the real rock bottom. Having to sit at home in bed with IV fluids running through a line in his hand and staff not letting him move an inch, knowing that there was nothing he could do to stop his family losing their places at the prestigious school. That was true torture. The guilt, the overwhelming sense of blame that smothered his every sense, the constant bombardments of what ifs. Feeling so completely useless and yet so fucking responsible. It was a pain more intense than anything he'd ever felt out on the field.

Shit, Josh had run a long way in a short time, he didn't know where he was and yet he wasn't slowing down.

A fresh start, this was a fresh start for all of them in a new community with new people and new opportunities and new experiences. This time, this time Josh was going to do it right. No more supplement overdoses, no more lifting to his limit and then some, no more 'no mercy' sessions. From now on it was sustainable and long term training which would see him progress steadily until college, then he'd follow their program. But whilst he was still at home he was going to listen to his father and to his coaches and most importantly his body. Because as far as he could convince himself that constant pushing gave consistent results, thinking back to the dark days of battling self hatred with training and ultimately getting hospitalised for it was a wake up call. It didn't work and it had to change.

Joel's new mealplan for him was a good first step, remembering what his father said about fuelling the machine. And maybe another session with his personal trainer was due - the guy he had fired for being too soft. There would be no harm in having his gym workouts evaluated and any wrinkles in his technique ironed out. Then of course came the conundrum of his dad's training techniques, which almost entirely consisted of repetition repetition repetition. Hopefully Coach Bradshaw would spice up his training in school which Josh could then take home and weave into his sessions to make them as productive as possible.

Considering what a negative mindset Josh had started the run with, it was amazing how much making a good training plan had turned it around. That was until he realised his worst fear had come true, and he was completely and utterly lost. Instantly he stopped running, and his legs froze solid. Potentially lactic acid, mostly dread.

Breathe Josh, breathe, you prepared for this.

With a trembling hand he reached into the band on his arm and pulled out the phone, swiping the password-free device open and instantly seeing the gibberish bouncing letters that his mother had typed. He knew what he had to do, hold down long enough for a black bar with 3 options to appear and then click the middle one, it didn't matter that he didn't know it said select all, all that was important was that the entire note was highlighted blue and then 4 black option boxes of blurred and blended letters appeared. Shit, which one? Joel had taught him they said cut paste delete and copy, he just couldn't remember in what order.

Crap. Crap crap crap. Which one was it?

After racking his anxious brain for a long time, he realised he wasn't going to remember which was copy and he was going to have to just take a gamble. Lucky number 4, last option it was.

Shit shit shit, the lines had gone, he'd deleted them, shit, shit he was such a fucking idiot. FUCKING IDIOT.

The address was gone and his backup plan was gone and his way home was gone and he was never going to find the house again and he was never going to go home again and he was never going to see his family again and he was going to be out here forever and he was going to freeze to death or starve to death or hyperventilate to death because he couldn't fucking breathe.

"I find running's healthier for you when you're actually moving." He heard a familiar voice say, and looked up to see Joel in his car driving to work, pulled up next to where he was on the verge of tears on the sidewalk. Now suddenly there were genuine tears of relief rolling down his red cheeks. "Climb in. Whatever's going on, tell me on the journey and we'll come up with a solution."

 

 

Approximately a million emotions was a definite exaggeration of how many Josh had felt already by the time the school bell went for first period, and yet it seemed like even more than that. And damn, feelings fatigued him move than exercise, he was beyond exhausted.

He wasn't sure what he was hoping to find out or say, but upon discovering that the chair in the far back corner of the learning support room, Tyler's chair, was empty, Josh felt a weird sense of loss in his gut. The dyslexic baseball player was very aware that Tyler went to a lot of normal classes and so him not being in student services wasn't a big deal, but after spending so much of his weekend thinking about the guy it was weird not to see him like he had expected.

Instead of dawdling on it, Josh attempted to test himself by seeing how many of the other students in the room he could identify by name. Tyler was amazing at it, taking the time to know every kid and their condition and more than that, their personality, but Josh was struggling with names for now.

"Josh, hi, can you follow me please?"  
"Course." He stopped what he was doing and followed Miss Draper out of the classroom and across to her office that he presumed said her name printed on the frosted glass, but he couldn't tell.

"Sit down,"  
"Is everything okay?" Josh asked as he obeyed.  
"I'm always calling people into my office for chats or progress updates or little things like that, don't worry, you're not in trouble."  
"Okay,"  
"So, how are you finding life at Liberty High?"  
"Good thank you,"  
"Is there anything you've picked up on that we can change and make better for you?"  
"No, I'm very happy Ma'am,"  
"Well I'm pleased to hear that Josh, but if anything crops up then my door is always open."  
"Thank you,"

"How are you and Ty getting on?"  
"Good thank you, at least I think, he's quite difficult for me to put my finger on,"  
"That he is, that he is," she nodded agreeing. "But hopefully more time will help you get to know each other a bit better."  
"Hopefully, what periods is he here with me?"   
"Usually he's in LSR first and fourth on Monday, but he's not here today."  
"Oh? Is he okay?"  
"He had a tough weekend,"  
"What happened?"  
"I'm afraid I'm not at liberty to discuss it with you Josh." The woman said and it only raised more questions that were already crowding Josh's mind about his buddy.  
"Course not, sorry."

"However I do have something else to discuss with you, Ryan Hilton approached me this morning."  
"Right,"  
"He asked me whether it would be feasible for you to join his home economics class, was that your idea?"  
"This is the first I've heard of it." Josh said honestly.  
"You and Ryan, you're friends? This isn't his attempt at a prank or something along those lines."  
"Yeah we're friends, he's probably my best friend here."   
"Right," she said and he could sense the disapproval in the syllable.

"So what's your view on the matter? Home ec in mainstream?"  
"I've never been to a mainstream class in high school."  
"It's a big step."  
"Yeh, um, do you think I can do it?"  
"I think that it's ambitious and I think it will be a big challenge, especially since you've only been with us 3 days, but I can tell you're the kind of person who likes to push themselves and yes, I do think you're capable." Miss Draper told him and Josh was proud of his character analysis but not made up on the decision yet. What if they all laughed at him again.

"What is it?"  
"Home economics?" She asked and he nodded. "Basically it's a class people take for an easy A if I'm honest, it's cooking and occasionally the odd sewing task but I think they've finished that module already. There's a few lessons on social studies but again I think that's finished already. So cooking basically, easy things like drop cookies."  
"I can't read recipes."  
"Ryan's already offered to lend a hand in that department, read it out for you as you're going along." The woman explained and Josh's friend earned another gold star.

"There are some theory lessons but we can work something out, either get you excused or a free pass to listen and not participate. Your choice."   
"And the teacher won't mind that I'm just joining their class part way through the year with an inability to do half of things they expect?"  
"Teachers have an obligation to facilitate students with additional needs, plus Ryan's teacher is Mrs Rose and she's as lovely as she sounds."  
"Okay, um, yeah okay,"  
"You want to do it? Start a mainstream class?"   
"Please." He nodded.  
"I will need to call your parents to discuss it with them and then once they consent I'll take you to meet Mrs Rose before you're set to start. For the first lesson I'll stay in the room to supervise, make sure you're looked after, then after that we'll have a review. If you didn't enjoy the class then that's the end of that, we won't mention it again, or alternatively you can fully enrol on the course and see it through. Of course I'll be supporting throughout that course,"

"Thank you so much Miss, I had a really bad morning and this has been such a drastic turn around, and it's only 8.30," he smiled.   
"You're welcome Josh." She smiled at him honestly. "Bad morning? Did something happen on the bus?"  
"No no, I don't get the bus, I get dropped off,"  
"Oh okay, so something at home? Because I'm here to help."  
"S'nothing,"  
"If it made your start to the day really bad then it's not nothing."  
"Nah I mean it genuinely was not a big thing, shirt on backwards, deodorant in my eye, dropped my toothbrush in the toilet, you know, one of those 'the whole world is against me' mornings."  
"Oh haha okay, I can relate to that," she took the lie for truth and laughed. "Well as long as you're okay."

 

 

  
Josh entered the house first, the driver was talking to Ashley who had shared the car with him and he was left out of the conversation as per usual. 11 members of staff, 3 drivers, 3 house keepers, 2 chefs, 2 guards and mother's assistant. That didn't even take into consideration the army of gardeners and poolboys and event planners and personal shoppers and caddies and coaches that were pulled in regularly. Joel was the only one Josh liked even remotely.

"Joshua, your father and I need to talk to you in his study. Ashley, go and change immediately and then Craig will take you straight to gymnastics early."  
"Yes Mrs Dun," the driver nodded.   
"Ooooh, you're gonna get screamed at," Ashley teased her brother, bopping his nose with her finger as she skipped out of the room and up the stairs to swap to gym clothes. And Josh knew she was right, he just couldn't figure out what on earth he had done this time.

"Joshua does dyslexia affect your hearing too?! Study! Now!" Mother snapped cruelly and Josh jumped then half walked half jogged down the incredibly long sequence of halls until eventually he reached the grand room. Where the empire was run as Dad would always say.

He knocked, knowing he was already in shit and would only get more if he didn't.  
"Enter." The firm voice commanded, so Josh pushed the door and allowed himself into the almighty powerhouse. Grand oak furniture, bold displays of photographs of his father meeting various celebrities and world leaders. None of his children.

"Sit."  
"Yes sir," Josh whispered afraid, planting himself on the chair on the other side of the impressive desk, something which he expected was bigger than most family dinner tables.  
"Where's your mother?"  
"Coming sir." He answered, taking the brunt of his father's frowning glare. In reality it was probably only a matter of seconds before Mother joined them, standing behind her husband with crossed arms, but to Josh it felt like decades.

"Joshua do you know what this is about?"  
"No."  
"No what?"  
"No sir." He corrected himself, knowing he was about to get pummelled half to death with words.

"We had a call from school at lunch time, Miss Draper, apparently a certain disrespectful shit is trying to change their timetable? Ring any bells? Or are you still too busy with the fucking fairies?"   
"No sir, I mean yes sir, uh, n-no I'm not too busy, yes it rings bells," he stuttered scared.  
"Jesus Joshua what the fuck are you playing at?!"  
"I don't know s-sir, I'm, I'm sorry, it was a mistake, I'm sorry,"  
"Fucking home economics," he sighed both angrily and disappointed, leaning back in his chair.  
"It's embarrassing Joshua, you're embarrassing yourself." Mother joined in and a part of him wanted to scream that she meant he was an embarrassment to her. All her fucking 'no reason to be ashamed' bullshit went out the window when something he did came close to splashing onto her reputation.

"I'm sorry, I am, Ryan wanted me to do it and-"  
"And you just fucking went along with it?! Jesus Christ Joshua! You're only making this worse, stop being a fucking sheep and start being a sheepdog and make your own decisions!" Father snapped and Josh would have laughed at how contradictory that was had he not been absolutely terrified. "You're an easy enough target as it is, stop letting people walk all over you."  
"Sorry sir," he whispered, doing nothing to stop his dad walking all over him.

"Joshua I thought we made it clear, I thought you got it, baseball has to be your focus." Mother chimed in bitterly.  
"I know and it is, this is only one class."   
"One class?! Have you got any clue how fucking pathetic that is?!" Father suddenly erupted and Josh winced. Then out of nowhere the man yanked one of the drawers open aggressively then pulled out a file and slammed it down on the desk unnecessarily loudly. Josh watched with caught breath as he pulled out several pieces of paper from a plastic pocket.

"You know what these are?"  
"No sir,"  
"These are your siblings' school report cards, I keep theirs, I don't keep yours. See this? It's Jordan's. Now since you're still not able to read fucking letters, I'll help you out. A, A+, A, A+, A+, A, A+, A-, A+. Now Ashley's. A+, A, A-, B+, A, A+, B+, A+, A+. Abigail's. A, A, A, B+, A, A, A+, A, A. They all have staggering grade point averages, it doesn't matter if colleges dismiss easy As and focus on core subjects because they are all strong across the board. Colleges are going to look at these grades and be blown away." Father told him and Josh felt himself tearing up at being so literally compared when he had no control over his condition.

"Joshua imagine a college is looking through your grades, you know what they're gonna see? They're gonna see one failed Home Ec class and they are going to laugh at you. Forget looking at your baseball stats, they're going to laugh at you." Mother said and a tear escaped that he rushed to wipe away.  
"Good, you should be upset Joshua, this was a stupid idea."  
"Absolutely. Everyone knows you're not going to pass any classes, everyone else had given up and you need to too. Give up on academics Joshua, you're not going to pass, focus your energy and your concentration on baseball solely." She instructed and the tears flowed freely, dripping down onto the velvet carpet below.

"We've been through this with you so many times Joshua, it's like a broken record. The schools with the best links to the MLB aren't going to be sympathetic that your batting average has fallen because you've had to reduce training for the sake of a home economics class, which, by the way, is only 40% practical. Let's say hypothetically you get perfect in the practical tasks, which you won't, still the top grade your gonna be able to get is an F. Even if you're perfect, you'll still fail the class. Is it really worth it? Sacrificing your only fucking hope in life for the sake of a cooking class?!" Father yelled and he squeezed his eyes shut tight but it didn't stop the crying.

"Baseball Joshua, that's your future, it has to be the first thing you think of when you wake up and the last thought on your mind when you're going to bed. Baseball, yes? Not cooking. Baseball." He said more calmly but still scaring the shit out of Josh. "What's your future?"  
"Baseball," he squeaked.

"Joshua we have done everything for you, everything. Literal hundreds of thousands of dollars have been spent on your education, you've seen every specialist in the country, been given every resource. Don't say we didn't try and fix this." Mother told him, poison flicking from her tongue. "But there has to be a line, and I thought we had made it clear that that line had already been drawn, but apparently not. So here's it simply put, there is no chance of you reading, there is no chance of you writing, there is no chance of you passing any classes. Don't blow your chances at baseball because you're chasing something unobtainable. Do you understand?"  
"Answer her."  
"Yes." Josh nodded.

"Okay, we're done, but if I found out that you're pushing for more school work again then we'll be discussing punishments." Father told him.  
"Ok," Josh sniffed and neither of them said anything. "Can I be e-excused to my r-room please sssir?"  
"No, Corey's here for 4 hours batting training. You've got 2 minutes to clean yourself up and get changed then you need to be out on the field. And Joshua, if he reports that you've been anything less than exceptional then I'll be thoroughly disappointed."


	9. Chapter 9

The system was up early on Tuesday morning, they always struggled to sleep through the night but for a change this early rising wasn't wasted by tossing and turning endlessly, instead they were meditating on the cool wooden floor of their bedroom.

Therapy wasn't a thing they had accessed much. After Tyler's trauma they had been shoved into therapy which was covered by insurance but they had been so clammed up that they hadn't said a single word for any of the 6 sessions. After that, the therapist had to feed back to the insurance company whether it was beneficial for more appointments, and together they had deemed that it was not. So they were kicked out and Tyler went the next 3 months coping independently.

Throughout those months, the alters had started to develop to such a distinguishable manner that they couldn't deny there was something happening. Eventually Tyler confided in their mother, who then put them into therapy once again and paid out of her own pocket. And the therapist was pretty good, but an hour of talking therapy once a week still left another 167 hours to cope alone, and Tyler had to learn fast.

The learning curve was steep and the slip ups frequent, but on the whole they could just about keep their head above water. And about 7 months after the trauma, the therapist gave their mom the details of DID specialist who could properly diagnose them and give more specific advice. Dr Hamilton did exactly that whilst also giving Tyler a whole list of medications to take, but that put a strain on their parents financially and eventually something had to go.

The specialist was amazing but horrifically expensive and the first to be cut from their treatment plan. And once the bills for the pills started coming in, therapy wasn't far behind. So they went on like that for over a year, no therapy, only meds. It sort of worked in the fact that things didn't get worse, but simultaneously they didn't get better.

Finally about 6 months ago Tyler's mother had been searching every inch of the internet and finally found a therapist who was within budget, only catch being they were a family therapist. So Tyler and the system got some much needed therapy, but the rest of the Joseph family had to tag along too. It wasn't the best, the cheapest never was, however Tyler was appreciative of the safe space to talk.

The result of all the budget cutting and mishap therapy was Tyler had to find coping strategies that worked independently, and not only that, they had to find 6 different coping strategies for 6 different people. Some were easy, give James a toy car and he was as happy as can be; whereas others were far more complex and still didn't have the perfect solutions. But meditation was as close as they had come to a method that worked for everyone.

Meditation sounded hippy and pointless, and at first they felt like a poser. However over time they had perfected the art, learning that they didn't need to twist their legs uncomfortably or hold their hands in certain positions to reach a sense of calm that they so desperately needed.

That morning Tyler had used the calm relaxed state to explore and meet Willow, the newest member of the gang. He knew that being new was always scary, so he was careful to be cautious not probing. It was like a little kitten, wait for them to come to you.

The process would be long and likely very frustrating at times for the less patient alters, and Tyler knew that he'd have to work hard to keep the others from jabbing and poking and snatching at the new kid, but he was up to the challenge. They were all up for the challenge.

"Guys," they heard a whisper, and opened their eyes to see their mom had let herself into their bedroom. "Sorry to interrupt, you don't have to speak if you're in a good mindset, I just wanted to see whether you felt up to school today?"  
"Yeh, but can we call you to pick us up early if we need it?"  
"Of course sweetie, of course."  
"Thank you,"

"Did you manage to speak to Willow yet?" She asked, sitting on the corner of their bed. They'd been trying since they came home from Granny's house, even missing school yesterday to meditate and attempt to connect, but it was unsuccessful.  
"No, but I can feel she wants to,"  
"I know I'm just daft old Mom and I don't know what I'm talking about, but have you tried to let her front?"  
"You're not daft, it's complicated for us let alone you." Tyler smiled at her reassuringly, "I tried yesterday and so did Johnny but it didn't work and in the end we just dissociated."  
"How much time did you lose?"  
"About 2 hours?" Tyler recalled how long nobody had been in control and they had been laying on the kitchen floor whilst their alters floated away.

"Was is derealisation or depersonalisation?" She asked gently, knowing the vocabulary from months of googling their condition to make up for the lack of proper therapy.  
"Depersonalisation,"  
"Was it scary? When you came back around?"  
"No we were okay, we are okay."  
"I'm pleased darling."

"Mom,"  
"Yes angel?"  
"If Willow's a negative alter, will you be mad that we coaxed her out? Because it's like toothpaste, it won't go back in the tube, she won't go back in."  
"Of course I won't be mad," she answered, sliding off the mattress and down onto the floor next to them so her upper arm touched theirs.

"Tyler I love you, I love you and I love all my other children who are sharing your body. Whether there's 1 or 7 or 700 of you, I'll always love you. I won't ever be mad that you're discovering new sides to yourself, I think it's beautiful, every alter you find is another piece of the puzzle that's eventually going to come together and make sense."

 

  
Their first lesson was English, and in a way English was easier than a supported learning session - for Tyler at least. English was Johnny's worst subject, loathing every minuscule detail, and so it was confusing Tyler why he was pushing so hard to front.

They sat near the front in this classroom, Jenna the row behind, but Tyler wasn't concentrating on the words spouting from the teacher's mouth. Instead he was grabbing the metaphorical reins with all his might, doing everything within his power to stay in control. It was English, Johnny should have been moaning about how boring it was, not begging to be in charge. Tyler was determined to front today, he didn't trust anyone else to be in charge whilst they were going through such uncertain times.

It was the number one rule of the system, obeyed by everyone, even Blurry. Whoever was in control of the body was in control of the alters. And yes, sometimes the alters would kick up a fuss and throw hissy fits if they were told to do something they didn't want to, but at the end of the day they'd always begrudgingly conform. It gave the throne of fronting that extra appeal.

The law was generally good, meaning Ty could keep the others in check and go about his day how he wanted. However when the wrong guy gained power, there was next to nothing the others could do about it. That was how external people got hurt in the past, and Tyler had to sit back and watch in horror. But no, it wasn't Blurry bustling for control today, it was Johnny. It was out of character, and that was equally as unsettling.

"Sweetheart,"  
"Oh, sorry," Tyler suddenly blinked and realised that the class were filing out for changeover and Jenna's hand was on their back.  
"Are you okay baby?"  
"Uh, yeh,"

"Tyler, you weren't quite with us that lesson, is everything okay?" The English teacher asked them, wandering over.  
"Just tired, we're okay."  
"If you need Miss Draper to come and support you in class again then that's alright, I can accommodate her."  
"Thank you but we'll be okay, there's something specific going on right now but it's getting easier, we'll be back to usual by next lesson."  
"They're doing great Miss," Jenna agreed, wrapping her arms around his shoulders.  
"Well if there's anything I can do then let me know."  
"Thank you."

"Actually Miss, would it be okay if we waited in here? They're not good in crowds and now changeover is in full swing, can we wait it out? Just till it calms down out there." Jenna asked.  
"Absolutely, I've got to go set up in a different room for my next lesson, can I trust you not to cause too much trouble?" The woman smiled whilst collecting her things up.  
"Course." Their girlfriend laughed, so the teacher left them alone in the room.

"S'going on handsome? Things with Willow?" Jenna said once the door closed, sitting on their desk and playing with their hair affectionately. Tyler had to resist the urge to lean into her hand like a puppy, it just felt so nice.  
"S'not Willow, she's far too shy for me too try connect here, it's Johnny."  
"Oh no, is he okay?" She seemed genuinely worried.  
"He's just, he's being pushy,"  
"Wants to front?"  
"Yeh,"  
"Hmm, s'not like him is it?"  
"No, no not at all." Tyler agreed.

"You've got a session in LSR next, why don't you let him take that one? Let go of some of the tension building between you two?"  
"No, I'm the boss today, I don't want anyone jeopardising the work I've done to bond with Willow."  
"I don't think Johnny would jeopardise that, and maybe if you're not fronting then you'll be able to go and find Willow, speak to her whilst Johnny deals with the outside world."  
"Johnny's bad at feelings, he's not empathic, doesn't understand that we need to take it slow with Willow, let her relax into the system before we grill her."  
"Okay darling, well if you wanna stay in charge then that's your choice and I'm very proud of how well you're coping with all of this."  
"Thank you gorgeous." Tyler smiled, then took advantage of the fact he was running their body and gently pulled her lips against theirs. Andrew was sheltering James' young eyes so they could use all the the tongue they wanted.

"I love you,"  
"I love you too Ty," Jenna whispered with a smile, "should we head down to student services?"  
"Haven't you got geometry? It's the complete other way."  
"I do, but I wanna make sure you get there safely."  
"Another reason why you're the world's best girlfriend." They smiled then pecked her again before standing up and holding her hand, letting her lead the way out of the room and into the quieter halls. They were glad they waited.

"Do you think you'll be in third?"  
"Yeh, it's Spanish, we do all our Spanish lessons."  
"I know babe, but if everything with Johnny and Willow plus your dad is tiring you out - which is totally understandable by the way - then it's okay to take an extra supported session today." Jenna said as their hands swung.  
"Hmm, maybe, we dunno,"  
"Well I'll swing by beforehand to check in, if you feel up to Spanish then we'll go together, if not then I'll give you a kiss and pick you up at lunch instead."  
"Thank you sweetheart," they smiled as the opened the door to the department, Mrs Dents greeting them with a smile.

"Hey Tyler, hey Jenna,"  
"Hey Mrs Dents, how are you?"  
"I'm very well thank you Jenna, it's good to see you,"  
"You too, can Ty go in?"  
"Yes go straight through Tyler," the woman nodded, Tyler gave Jenna another peck on the lips then went into the classroom.

"Hey there buddy, settle down, we just got started." Mr Jeffries waved from the front of the room and Tyler flashed a smiled at the teacher then slid into their usual desk at the back behind Dana. Josh wasn't in his usual seat, in fact he wasn't there at all, and Tyler wasn't sure whether they were alarmed or relieved. Their last encounter with Josh in Taco Bell had been right before Willow made an appearance, they just didn't know what that meant exactly.

"Right, today we're going to take 10 minutes before we start our individual tasks to talk about relationships." Mr Jeffries began addressing the room. The additional needs teacher occasionally threw in these little lessons on social skills or values and they were more for the kids with learning disabilities than Tyler and the system, but nevertheless they quite enjoyed them if they were honest.

"Who can name some different kinds of relationships? Shout them out."  
"Friends."  
"Good, friendships." The man agreed, scrawling on the whiteboard in messy handwriting.  
"Fucking!"  
"Watch the language Lewis, but yes, romantic relationships."  
"Nah, like, booty calls, all fucking no feeling!" The kid heckled again and Tyler couldn't stop themselves from smiling a little.  
"Let's put down physical relationships then, and again, tone down the language. Anyone else?"  
"Families."  
"Family, good Dana, however I'm gonna split that into relationships between siblings and then separately the relationships between parent and child. That's probably enough for now, so next up we need to try and identify the important qualities and characteristics of each relationship. Who thinks they can go first?" Mr Jeffries asked but suddenly the room was a ghost town for volunteers. Tyler took a moment to look around at the group, all of whom were younger than them, most of whom had an illness that made them struggle with understanding relationships. So really, they were the best option for Mr Jeffries.

"I will sir,"  
"Thank you Tyler. Which relationship type are you going to do?"  
"Urrmmm, parent child? Why not."  
"Go for it." Mr Jeffries smiled, whiteboard pen at the ready.  
"Supportive, loving, understanding, affectionate, respectful, caring, yeah, caring's probably the key one."

 

 

It was raining, of course it was fucking raining. The downpour made his clothes stick to his body and rub and itch and he was fucking freezing. The water streamed down his face and ran into his eyes so he couldn't stop fucking blinking. The batting gloves that cost more than should be legal did nothing to increase his grip and the fucking bat fucking flew out of his hands more often than his parents told him they fucking loved him.

Josh was not having a good day.

He'd skived breakfast, unable to bring himself to sit at a table with those people. And skiving breakfast had lead to skiving school, because apparently he was fucking hopeless and there was no point of him even attempting to learn, so why should he even bother turning up?

The fucking driver had ratted him out to his parents but they didn't do anything about it, not check on him, not even come up and scream at him. Nope, they were in no hurry to have him educated and Josh was no longer fucking bothered with either of them.

Clink, another ball collided with his bat at 90mph and fired off into the distance at a perfect trajectory, but Josh knew it wasn't good enough, he wasn't good enough, and so he reset his position and waited for the pitching machine to fire again.

Another perfect hit which wasn't good enough.

He had no idea how long he'd been at it but he'd restocked the pitching machine's bucket at least two dozen times and it held 50 balls, and the rain had soaked all skin on show to a miserable shrivel. He was tired, he was hungry, he was aching and more than anything he was sad. But his entire life he'd always been told that the solution to everything was baseball, so he was sticking to what he knew.

Another perfect hit which wasn't good enough.

With his slippy grip repositioning again and his exhausted arms holding the bat ready, Josh waited for what seemed like an eternity before he realised the fucking pitching machine was fucking jammed. All this fucking rain was absorbed by the fucking balls and they fucking swelled and now they were fucking stuck, and Josh had had just about enough. Angrily he dropped his bat to the ground then stormed along the puddled ground over to the device.

And of course, of course that was the fucking moment the ball decided to slip free from the runners and fire straight into his ribs, a pain so intense that he instantly fell to the ground in agony. The screams only lasted a few moments until they turned to huffing growls as he tried and failed to process the hysterical pain tormenting his whole body. His ribs were throbbing beyond belief and the wind had been knocked straight from his lungs and he couldn't breathe properly.

So that was where he lay, writhing in agony on the muddy puddled ground. Rain pounded down from above and dirty water soaked up from below, tears and snot indistinguishable from the mess of wetness that seemed inescapable. He felt like he was dying a painful death in every fucking sense.

Then out of nowhere the rain stopped, and he peeled his eyes open with a great deal of effort to see that Joel was stood over him with a golf umbrella and a concerned facial expression that borderlined terrified.  
"Josh, Josh it's Joel, what happened? Did you have another seizure?" He asked desperately. Josh tried to shake his head no but the helmet's flat side was well and truly embedded in the mud and his small movements didn't move it at all, so Joel was oblivious to his attempt at communicating through the pain.

"Josh I think you've had a seizure, I left my phone inside so I can't call 911 straight away, but I don't want to leave you to go and get it. I know your head must be really fuzzy right now but I need you to do your best to cooperate so that I can get you inside and then get an ambulance over as quickly as possible, okay?" Joel said before crouching down as though about to scoop Josh up in his arms, but at the last moment Josh found his voice.

"I'm fine,"  
"And I'm the Queen of England, shh, don't do it yourself, let me carry you in," he insisted when Josh tried to sit up before suddenly feeling the ricochet of pain fire through his body and an involuntary sob escaping his lips.

"You'll be okay, you'll be okay, just let me help,"  
"Don't fucking touching me," Josh slapped him away with all the energy he could muster.  
"I get it, you were really disoriented last time this happened too, but please Josh, I'll get the doctors to help you get better just like they did last time. I know you're scared but I'm here to help,"  
"I didn't have a fucking seizure!"  
"Right,"  
"I didn't!"  
"Well explain it to me inside," Joel sighed, balancing the handle of his huge umbrella in the crook of his arm so that he could use both of his to help Josh stand up. A cry escaped Josh's lips and it felt like he'd been shot, so as much he wanted to be independent, he couldn't push Joel away because he wasn't confident he'd be able to stay on his feet. Instead he allowed the chef to hold him up and guide him the long distance from the baseball field backyard and into the kit room back entrance of the mansion.

"There's a step up, careful, good job," Joel said, voice a little strained from supporting Josh's weight but nevertheless not faulting in his grip. Even putting down the umbrella so they could fit through the door didn't entail leaving Josh to fend for himself.

"Do you want to go on the bench or is it safer to go on the floor in case you have another one? I don't want you to fall down."  
"I didn't have a seizure." Josh winced as Joel lowered him onto the bench in essentially his private changing room.  
"Are you gonna be okay for 30 seconds whilst I run and get my phone?"  
"I don't need an ambulance,"  
"Josh this is serious, you need to go to hospital."  
"You never listen to me Joel!" Josh cried, head against the wall as tears streaked his cheeks.

"I'm sorry, I'm listening now."  
"It was a ball, not a fit."  
"A ball?"  
"I, I walked towards the machine because it jammed, it unjammed, ball at 90 from super close proximity."  
"Oh shit Josh, where did it hit you?"  
"Ribs,"  
"Can I see?" He asked and Josh nodded with closed eyes, then felt as Joel rolled up his drenched jersey and undershirt, then audibly gasped.

"Fucking hell Josh, I'm taking you to the hospital, those ribs are definitely cracked."  
"Don't," Josh called out, still unable to open his eyes.  
"Please don't be stubborn about it."  
"There's nothing they can do for ribs, I'll get there, they'll say they're broken, they'll send me home with a bill and fuck all else."  
"If anyone can afford a hospital bill for broken ribs it's this family, that's not something you need to worry about. You need to be worried about the fact that you might have internal bleeding or something Josh."  
"Good, I hope I do."  
"Don't say that,"  
"I hope I fucking die."  
"Joshua William, don't say that."  
"You sound like my father, why don't you just pressure me into doing something I don't want to like he always does." He spat bitterly, pain only amplifying his foul mood.

"Josh, please, I'm not forcing you into training or something, I'm trying to take care of you."  
"I'm fine."  
"You're not." Joel stated truthfully. "Are you really not going to let me take you to a doctor?"  
"No."  
"Fine, but you will be letting me look after you at home, and if you're still being stubborn then I'll call your father and tell him you're causing me trouble."  
"You wouldn't."  
"Wouldn't I?"  
"You're such an asshole." He sighed, giving in.  
"As asshole who is worried about you kid." Joel sighed too, then took Josh's helmet off him and set it aside.

"You gonna stay put whilst I grab some dry clothes and frozen peas?"  
"Doesn't look like I have much of a choice."  
"That's what I like to hear." Joel said lightheartedly, then left the room in search of the items.

Josh let out a deep sigh, which burned so bad that he instantly regretted it. Blinking away tears, he pulled his head from the wall and picked up his soaking jersey a little so that he count inspect the wound for himself. Damn, he understood why Joel had gasped.

In spite of the injury only being a few minutes old, a swollen lump with the curvature of an actual baseball was rising up and was decorated horrific shades of black and red. It was on his left side towards the bottom of his ribcage but the whole of the area was pink and throbbing, and Josh felt the pain intensify as he inspected the impressive bruise. All it took was one touch of a curious shrivelled fingertip to earn a pained hiss. Shit, it was bad.

"Here we go, let's get you out of those wet clothes first."  
"Thanks," he murmured as he reached out and took the hoodie, boxer briefs and sweatpants off him and was then handed a towel.  
"Need a hand?"  
"Um, um, would you mind?"  
"Not at all." Joel shook his head, then began carefully carefully peeling the wet clothes off his shaking muscle frame and towelling his skin dry before replacing them with the new outfit. Even though the towel did a good job, Josh felt as though he was soaked through to his soul and would never feel dry again he was that wet.

"Can you stand up?"  
"I think so," Josh nodded, taking his friend's extended hand and wincing as he put weight on his feet.  
"You hold the towel, I'll do my best to reserve your modesty." He said, wrapping the towel around his waist then carefully pulling down his waterlogged pants and then boxers before putting on new ones for him. He did a surprisingly good job.

"All done,"  
"Thank you,"  
"S'okay, do you want a towel for your hair?"  
"S'fine." Josh said, gelling it back with one hand then pulling the hood up to cover it.

"Should we go somewhere more comfortable than a kit room? One of the TV rooms?"  
"Okay."  
"Come on, Joelly's got you," the chef wrapped an arm around him then slowly slowly took little steps at the injured man's pace through the weaving corridors, constantly checking on him, until eventually they arrived in a massive room containing a screen the length of one wall. Joel leant Josh on the arm of a couch whilst arranging pillows, then gently helped him lay down on it.

"Okay?"  
"Good, thank you."  
"I want you to keep this up against your ribs for as long as possible, and if they defrost tell me and I'll swap for another bag." Joel said, pulling out a bag of peas wrapped in a cloth from his pocket then carefully positioned it on Josh's screaming bruise. The cold made him gasp a little, but mostly the reaction was fuelled by pain.

"Do you want a couple of paracetamol to take the edge off?"  
"No, I don't take pain killers, but thanks."  
"This your whole 'body is a temple' thing?"  
"Don't want drugs messing up my body."  
"Painkillers for a broken rib won't do that Josh, they'll help."  
"Thanks but no thanks."  
"If it gets unbearable then we'll revisit the topic," Joel told him whilst sitting on an arm chair next to where he was laying. "If it gets worse or if you can't breathe properly or anything feels different, promise to tell me?"  
"I promise."  
"Stick to that please Josh, I think you should be in hospital so I'm not exactly happy now, but I'll be super bummed if you go and die on my watch."  
"I promise not to die." Josh smiled at his friend.

"So go on, talk to me, what's going on, why are you playing in a storm rather than going to school? And if you give me any of that 'it's nothing' bullshit then I'll tickle you and you'll die."  
"So persuasive Joel," he sighed. "Had another fight with my parents last night, well, it was more of an ambush on their part."  
"Yeh, was it a particularly bad one?"  
"I tried to join a mainstream class at school and so they screamed my siblings' grades at me then yelled I might as well give up because everyone else has," Josh recalled and Joel took a moment to think before replying.

"I haven't given up on you Josh."  
"You should."  
"Nah, I've known you since you were 15 and you've got that fire in you, always determined to better yourself and prove people wrong. I've got faith that that's what you're gonna do."  
"I've been trying for 13 years and have made zero improvement. Everything I do is based on the method that practice makes perfect, so why isn't it working?"  
"That's because you're talking about sport which is about muscle memory and technique, brains and reading are a whole different ball game - excuse the pun. But reading, you gotta stick at it because I'm confident one day it's just going to click and you'll have it."  
"Mmm,"  
"You're Joshua Dun, you're not a quitter, don't quit on yourself."

"S'just difficult when it feels like the game is rigged against me."  
"That's because it is kid, this learning disability has totally fucked the game for you, but that doesn't mean you have to throw the towel in. Remember that baseball game you captained against the tigers, and you caught that sly shit of a pitcher spitting on the ball when you were batting. Did you kick up a storm and bitch and complain, or did you smack the crap out of that ball and get a home run?"  
"Home run." Josh smiled at the ceiling.  
"Hell yeah you did, you showed that fucker why you're the king. That's what you've got to do with dyslexia, show it you're the king and you don't take shit from anyone."  
"Yeah, thanks Joel, needed that."  
"Anytime." The chef smiled at him for a moment before moving on.

"Want me to stick something on?"  
"Please."  
"How does Fight Club sound?"  
"Sounds like you're my best friend." Josh replied and Joel laughed whilst picking up the control panel and keying in the movie with those symbols that meant nothing to the younger. He had laughed but Josh was being completely honest, Joel was hands down his favourite person he'd ever met.

"Joel,"  
"Yeah?"  
"Can you do me a favour? Don't tell Father."  
"About your ribs?"  
"Yeah."  
"Josh somebody's got to."  
"Please, the first rule of the pitching machine is don't walk towards it when it's on. He's going to think I'm an idiot, and he's not wrong."  
"That's the bit your worried about? Josh I'd be more concerned that he's not going to know and he'll expect you to train to his ridiculously high expectations and you're gonna get hurt even worse."  
"I'm still gonna train."  
"5 minutes ago you couldn't even dress yourself, there's no way you're gonna be able to train. And even if you could, doesn't mean you should."  
"Sure that's gonna go down great with Father," Josh sighed, rubbing his face with his hand tiredly.

"Want me to have a word with him?"  
"Do you hate yourself? No, nobody and nothing gets in between me and my training."  
"Do you want to train Josh?"  
"I've got to, college is only a couple of months ago and I can't afford to slip, I have no backup plan."  
"But do you want to?"  
"Course I do." He replied without a shadow of doubt.

"Injury is a valid reason to take timeout, the pros do it."  
"And they're never the same again."  
"Not always true."  
"Too often the case for it to be dismissed."  
"So what's the plan Josh? Pretend your ribs are fine and it will just go away?"  
"I'll ice and rest them today and time will do the rest."  
"No, rest will do the rest."  
"I'm not a quitter, you said it yourself."  
"You're not quitting, you're respecting your body, it is a temple after all." Joel used his own word against him too, but both of them knew it wasn't going to work. The biggest break he had taken in years was the three day hospital admission after his seizure and Father was hardly sympathetic. There was no way this would go down well.

"Just be safe Josh? That's all I'm asking."  
"I will."

"Listen, Josh, I need to tell you something,"  
"That doesn't sound good," he smiled, but it soon fell when he saw that Joel wasn't kidding.  
"I'm uh, well I might as well just say it outright, there's a new job."  
"Wait what?"  
"There's this family, back in Cleveland, they had a position open up and it's an amazing opportunity. It's a family of 5 and the kids are triplets and are graduating at the end of the year so to celebrate they're taking a year long trip around the world, and I get to travel with them."  
"If you get the job."  
"I've got it Josh, I had my interview and my trial and I've signed a contract." Joel said and Josh's heart dropped.

"I thought, I thought you liked it here, I mean you moved across the state with us,"  
"I do like it here, please don't ever take this personally."  
"How can I not? You're changing families, replacing me."  
"Josh it's not like that okay."  
"W-we only just made my food plan though,"  
"And I've explained it all to Penny, she understands what the plan is and she's going to take over."  
"You, you promised to help me,"  
"I'm sorry Josh," Joel genuinely seemed apologetic but Josh was too in pain and too upset to fake forgiveness.

"There's things that I have to think about that you don't."  
"Like what?"  
"Like money Josh. Some of us, most of us, we have to be sensible and make decisions with our heads and not our hearts. I have an apartment in Cleveland, I have to drive 2 hours to work everyday and back, that's a lot of gas money and a lot of my day gone for not much pay."  
"Ask for a raise."  
"I'm not demanding a raise because I'm a contracted employee and it's disrespectful to my boss to raise my prices."

"Move in here, there's room in the staff house." Desperately trying to come up with solutions to stop the only friendly face in his home leaving him.  
"I'd still have to pay rent, I have a tenancy agreement, and plus I've got a fiancé and a life outside of the kitchen back in Cleveland."  
"And yet you're willing to make it work for this other family!"  
"My tenancy agreement runs out in 4 months and they're letting Emma come along on the world tour too. But Josh, don't do this, the decision was a really hard one but I've made it and I'm not changing my mind."

"Joel please," Josh whispered sadly.  
"For what it's worth, I am sorry,"  
"You're the only one who gets it, please, don't leave me."  
"I'll still be your friend, we'll still meet up and things."  
"Yeh, right, exactly how many times are you gonna pop in for a chat when you're on a year long world tour?" He snorted as he wiped away tears that had reappeared.  
"I'll send postcards from every country we go."  
"I can't read,"  
"I'll send them anyway, find ones with good pictures, and I'll FaceTime as often as I can."  
"Don't bother." He whispered again then rolled off the couch with a great deal of difficulty and walked away from the man who would soon be walking out of his life and leaving him alone in this Hell house, taking away any glimmer of hope with him.


	10. Chapter 10

Tyler wasn't overly familiar with what Josh looked like, in reality they'd only met a couple of times during the short week they'd known each other, and yet as soon as he arrived Tyler could tell there was something wrong. He was unapologetically late, barging into the learning support room and ignoring Mr Jeffries' welcome as he slid straight into his chair, hood up. His hands thoughtlessly landed on the desk and began aggressively tearing at hangnails, and Tyler could see the bruises on his knuckles that were signature of a punch up. Josh's whole body language was different, the way he slouched and the way his legs sprawled carelessly into the aisle and could trip someone up.

Tyler tried not to stare but in reality it was impossible not to, and Josh quickly caught on and glared back, raising his eyebrows in a 'can I help you?!' gesture. They immediately looked away but couldn't stop thinking about the sore redness that circled his swollen eyes and the bags that ran deep into his cheeks.

Something was wrong with Josh, Tyler knew it and apparently so did Mr Jeffries.

"Alright guys, let's take a 2 minute breather, Josh can I have quick word outside please?" He said and Josh stood up and walked back out the door, not holding it open for the teacher who followed close behind.

"Ty, what's wrong with Josh?"  
"I don't know Dana, but don't worry I'm sure Mr Jeffries will make it better."  
"You promise?" The younger girl asked.  
"I promise." They nodded.  
"Did he fight a dog?"  
"A dog? I shouldn't think so no,"  
"I got bitten by a dog once."  
"Oh I'm sorry about that Dana, that probably wasn't very nice for you." Tyler smiled sympathetically.  
"No, it hurt." She stated, then turned back around.

Tyler turned to quickly look at the door, then went back to staring at the whiteboard as some sort of distraction. The class had been working on the importance of honesty and they glanced at the key points, hoping Josh would be honest with the teacher and get the help he needed. It didn't matter that they weren't the closest of friends yet, Tyler didn't want for anyone to be so obviously upset.

A couple of minutes passed before the teacher reentered and crouched next to Tyler's desk discreetly.  
"Is Josh okay?"  
"I think he needs a friend right now, do you feel able to fill that role? You can say no."  
"Yeah absolutely, what's going on?"  
"Won't tell me, maybe you can try?"  
"Okay, where is he?"  
"Just in the department entrance on the chairs."  
"Can I go now?"  
"Of course, but Tyler remember that it's not your job to fix everything for him. Give him space to talk then pass that onto us to deal with. And if you need any help then Mrs Dents is out there."  
"Okay thank you sir," they said, then stood up and walked out of the classroom to find the distressed student. Thankfully Tyler had quite a firm hold on control today because he would probably need it.

"Josh? Hey, is everything okay?" They asked, sitting on a brown chair whilst leaving one as a gap between them. Josh had his hood up still and was staring straight ahead at the posters but clearly couldn't read them.  
"Leave me alone."  
"What's going on?"  
"I said leave me alone."  
"Come on, talk to me, I'm here to help."  
"You can't fucking help me you freak, piss off."  
"I can't if you don't tell me what's wrong." Tyler said, ignoring the freak comment.

"Are you fucking deaf?! I do not want to talk to you." He growled angrily, bruised knuckles turning white as he clenched them.  
"Please Josh, trust me when I say I know what it's like to go through stuff and not want other people to find out, but I also know that talking it through is one of the best things you can do."  
"Listen to me you little freak, I know about you, I know that you're a liar and a disgusting person, and I know that I most certainly do not want anything to do with you. Do me a favour and leave me the fuck alone, that or I'll make you." Josh spat and their heart pounded with fear, how, how could he know?  
"W-what do you know?"  
"I know about Michael, I know what happened with him, I know it was your fault." He answered with a cruel flick of the tongue and Tyler swore they were going to pass out. No no no no, no this couldn't be happening, no no no,

"Tyler you can't go in there!" Mrs Dents called after them but they'd already run down the hall panicking and barged straight into Miss Draper's office, tears running down their cheeks and breaths heaving fast.  
"Sorry I'll have to call you back." She said, putting down the phone and immediately rushing to their side. "What happened?"  
"Michael."  
"Okay listen to me, deep breaths, he's not here, I promise he's not here."  
"J-o-osh, Josh," they panted, falling to the floor and hugging their knees as everyone broke down or freaked out in their own ways and caused an indescribable sense of turmoil. Everything was spinning and screaming and crying and they couldn't breathe.

"Tyler ground yourself, stay in control, don't let Blurry take advantage of the situation. Deep breaths and hold onto that fronting position."  
"No no no no, can't do this, can't breathe,"

 

 

  
20 minutes later and thankfully nobody else had approached Josh, so he had been allowed (or doomed) to marinate in his fury. Ever since Joel had said he was leaving, Josh had been seeing everything through a red filter. The pain from his ribs only amplified the emotion and had resulted in several walls being punched and several meals being skipped and several baseball bats being broken, and now several people being yelled at. Ashley, the driver, and now Tyler.

Tyler had reacted the worst by far, running off like a little girl in tears, but Josh struggled to feel remorseful when it had earned him what he craved. Peace and quiet.

The door to the department swung open and a middle aged dirty blonde woman walked in and over to the desk but Josh didn't follow her with his eyes. They were exhausted, he was exhausted, barely sleeping a wink all night he was crying so much.

"Hey Kelly,"  
"Hi Mrs Dents, are they ready to go home?"  
"Just in Miss Draper's office, take it you know the way?"  
"Course, should I sign them out now so we can go straight to the car?"  
"Oh it's okay, I know all the details, I'll sign them out."  
"Thank you, right, let's go see what sort of state they're in." The woman sighed then walked down the corridor where Tyler had escaped earlier.

Josh hadn't heard a name, not even a gendered pronoun - which was weird - but had sort of presumed that the woman was Tyler's mom. He had to resist scoffing, how much of a fucking baby was this guy? Yeh, he used to panic, but that didn't mean he had to cry and go home every time someone said anything remotely unkind. Josh didn't feel guilty, he felt disgusted by how weak Tyler was. I mean Jesus, he was the asshole who made Ryan's brother try and kill himself, it was his fault, he shouldn't be the one upset.

Speaking of the devil, Tyler emerged a puffy sobbing mess with a woman each side of him. Mom to the left, Miss Draper to the right. Tyler was crying too hard to make eye contact as he went past, however Miss Draper simply looked at him disappointed. The teacher opened the door for the mother and son and they walked out, but a second later she returned alone.

"Josh." The woman said and Josh begrudgingly looked up at her. "You will never speak to my child again." She said sternly then left again, closing the door with force.  
"Josh my office." Miss Draper ordered and he couldn't be bothered to fight her on it, however still rolled his eyes before standing and following her. Standing up was definitely the most painful movement.

He sat down in the chair on side of the desk, but his pastoral lead didn't sit opposite and instead stood with folded arms behind her chair.  
"Josh, last time I called you into my office I told you that being in here doesn't always mean you're about to be told off, however now is not one of those times. I don't know what sort of values were held dear at your old school, but here at Liberty High we do not tolerate bullying of any kind, especially not regarding sexual assault." She said firmly and Josh was more confused than ever, sexual assault? What sexual assault?

"What happened to Tyler is horrific, but it's also his private business and you have no right to discuss it either with other students or with Tyler, I'm very disappointed in you."  
"I'll add you to the list." He murmured inaudible as his mind raced.  
"What was that?"  
"Nothing."  
"Do you think this is funny Josh? Is rape funny?"  
"No."  
"I expected better from you." She sighed whilst shaking her head.

"Who told you? About Tyler."  
"No one." Josh replied truthfully, not having a clue how all these pieces were supposed to fit together.  
"So what? So you just magically found out? It came to you in a dream?" Miss Draper asked, growing more and more angry. "Is it written on the walls in the toilets? His rape advertised for all to see?!"  
"No."  
"How about Ryan Hilton? Does that ring any bells?"  
"No."  
"I presume you're aware they're brothers, Ryan and Michael, and I know you and Ryan have been getting close."  
"No."  
"Josh, am I going to have to call your parents in?"  
"No! No no no, please,"  
"Oh there we go, you're interested now hey?"  
"Miss Draper please, you don't understand." Josh panicked.  
"You're right, I don't understand why you think it's acceptable behaviour to intentionally trigger a rape victim with serious mental health issues."  
"I'm sorry okay, just please, give me detention, please, please don't call my parents."  
"It's not me you should be apologising to, it's Tyler, and I hope you fully comprehend the severity of the situation. We're not looking at detentions here, we're potentially looking at a suspension."  
"No!" Josh practically begged. "Please, you have to believe me, I didn't know, please."  
"You're wrong actually Josh, I don't have to believe, in fact I don't believe you at all. I don't see how you can expect me to when you've caused Tyler all this pain. Josh you literally told him that you know what happened with his rapist and that it was his fault - now can that be a misinterpretation?"  
"I meant it was his fault Michael tried to kill himself." Josh whispered, knowing how horrendous that sounded and instantly regretting it. Miss Draper didn't reply, simply picked up the phone and dialled a number.

"W-what are you doing?"  
"Calling the principal to schedule a meeting with him and your parents - Hello, Principal Penn? Hi, it's Grace, I'm afraid we've got another situation with Tyler and it needs to be dealt with urgently, when are you next available for a meeting with parents? Yes, yes I should imagine it will require a long time."

 

  
Josh had been begrudgingly allowed 10 minutes fresh air in the courtyard at lunch after eventually persuading his guard, Mr Jeffries, that he was going to either throw up or have a panic attack if he was denied. The thought of his parents being dragged in front of the Principal following bullying claims made him so scared that he felt physically sick. But more than that, discovering Tyler had been raped made him want to be sick.

Ryan had been so casual, so convincing, when he made the rapist seem like the victim and the actual victim seem like the bad guy. Jesus Christ Josh had believed him! He was a bloody idiot who paid no attention to the looks he always got when he mentioned he was becoming friends wth that dirtbag, and now he had ruined everything.

Maybe he'd get detentions every night that would eat into his training time. Maybe he'd be barred from the school team and have to go without the practice of competition. Maybe he'd get suspended. Maybe he'd get expelled. Maybe his parents might disown him or maybe they'd hit him or maybe they'd kill him.

And as much as those thoughts were slowly destroying him, the true horror he was experiencing was the churning of his gut as he attempted to even imagine what Tyler was going through, what he had been through. He'd seemed so, well, normal? when they'd first met, and yet all it took was Josh being a fucking assface to suddenly diminish him into a hysterical weeping mess. All Josh prayed was that the damage he'd already done wouldn't progress into any further, and that Ty would be okay. Shit, what had he done...

"Oh hey Josh, wanna go for a long lunch with us and skip fourth? Tony's driving." He heard a distinctive voice say and looked up to see a flock of varsity jackets paired with grins that meant they knew they were on top. Ryan lead the group, he always lead the group.

"Remind me again what it was, weed right?"  
"What's this man?" Ryan laughed as Josh stood up and squared up to him.  
"Your brother, what's he inside for?"  
"Yeah, drug charges, what's it to you?" The captain seemed to latch on to the tone of the conversation and clenched his jaw a little, not scaring Josh. He was a man with nothing to lose.

"You're a fucking liar Ryan."  
"I don't know what the fuck you've heard but if I were you I'd tread carefully Dun."  
"A 'bad break up', is that what we call rape nowadays?"  
"Josh man, watch yourself." Bryce warned from the group but Josh didn't care.  
"Your brother raped Tyler, and you call that a fucking bad breakup?"  
"My brother did nothing wrong." Ryan spat with a sneer.  
"He raped someone!"  
"Tyler was gagging for i-" was all Josh heard before he planted his fist straight into Ryan's nose. For a brief second Ryan was calm, lifting his hand to his gushing nostrils and then looking down at the red liquid left behind. Josh had no clue what he was doing and then in a flash Ryan was swinging for him.

Josh was injured, cracked ribs, but other than that he was pure muscle and Ryan didn't stand a chance, however that didn't stop him having a go. The first fist collided with Josh's cheekbone but the red haired kid immediately returned the favour with a much harder delivery. Ryan tried to get more shots in, even playing dirty and trying to kick Josh, but Josh boxed for fitness reasons and it turns out the skills were very handy for beating the shit out of a rapist's brother. Within a minute Ryan was on the floor bleeding and wheezing and spitting blood, and Josh was being pulled away by 2 of his cronies.

"Josh Dun! Inside! Now! Someone take Ryan to the school nurse immediately!"

 

 

 

The wait was agonising, in fact the past 24 hours has been agony, but the pacing footsteps of his father as they waited outside Principal Penn's office were baring into his very soul. Josh knew he was gonna fucking pay for this, he was going to pay big time.

"Mr Dun, Joshua, come in," a middle aged man with a stern frown and thinning hair said, holding the door open. As his father walked past, the only words he had spoken to Josh since arriving left his lips.  
"Play the victim."

Josh stood up from the chair he had been sat in for what dealt like an eternity, groaning a little as his ribs rolled, then followed them into the grand office that was nowhere near as impressive as his father's. He sat down again, this time Father also sat, and Miss Draper and Principal Penn were opposite them.

"Mr Dun, it's a pleasure to finally meet you in spite of the circumstances." Miss Draper shook his hand, as did the principal.  
"Yes, it is a slight concern to me that this is the first time I've met either of you, you know, considering four of my children have recently joined your school. I would have expected some sort of introductory meeting, or at least a meeting to discuss my son's condition. But if this is your leadership style then I suppose that's your choice." Father replied and Josh groaned a little inside, so that was how he was going to play this.

"Mr Dun I've been assured that Miss Draper has been fully informed on the details of Josh's dyslexia,"  
"I've spoken in depth with his old tutor and your wife."  
"Over the phone." Mr Dun replied doubtfully.  
"Yes, over the phone, and with Josh in person. If I believed that a face to face would be more beneficial to your son's education then I would have arranged that, however I value your wife's and your time."  
"And yet here I am."  
"Mr Dun you're here because of Josh's behaviour, triggering a rape victim with verbal abuse, skiving school and physically assaulting a fellow student." Principal Penn told him and Josh sunk further into his chair, wishing it would swallow him up.

"I'm aware of the situation, what are you supposing to resolve it?"  
"Well we have a zero tolerance policy with students like your son."  
"Kids with learning disabilities?!"  
"No, Mr Dun, students who have been previously expelled from other schools." Principal Penn clarified. "Let's begin with the treatment of Tyler Joseph. Josh, are you aware of the implications of what you were saying?"  
"No sir,"  
"But you are aware of his mental health conditions?"  
"Sir, he told me about the panic attacks." Josh answered truthfully.  
"Nothing else?" Miss Draper asked.  
"No Miss."

"So you knew he gets panic attacks, and as I understand it he was trying to help you because you had already refused to participate in a conversation with Mr Jeffries, and yet you chose to shout at him? Why was that?" Principal Penn questioned.  
"I was upset Sir,"  
"Because?"  
"Nothing sir,"  
"Joshua tell him." Father said firmly with eyes burning into Josh's temple.  
"Because a friend of mine, Joel, he's moving abroad and I only found out yesterday."  
"You see my son, he struggles to make friends, other kids have always picked on him because of his dyslexia and it means he finds social interactions difficult. Losing Joel is understandably taking a big toll on him." Father pretended like he gave a damn and wasn't hearing this information for the first time, and Josh wanted to die because hearing it said aloud was so ridiculously petty it was humiliating.

"Josh, did Mr Jeffries give you the option to share that with him?"  
"I suppose,"  
"Yes or no?"  
"Yes."  
"But he clearly didn't make Joshua feel comfortable and safe enough to share, that's not my son's fault." Mr Dun stepped in.  
"I can assure you that Mr Jeffries is an excellent teacher, specialising in children with additional needs and communication difficulties." Miss Draper told the room.  
"Are you calling my son a liar?"  
"No, Mr Dun, because your son didn't actually say anything of the sort."  
"So you're calling me a liar?"  
"Okay let's calm this down a bit please, I think we're all in agreement that we want to come to a resolution with as little tension as possible." Principal Penn intervened.

"Josh, in your own words, how did Mr Jeffries react to you feeling upset this morning?" Miss Draper asked him specifically and Josh wanted to say that he had reacted perfectly, doing all the right things, but he knew that his father would not be happy with that response and he knew that an unhappy father would have unhappy outcomes for him.  
"He kicked me out of class, demanded to know what was wrong then pawned me off onto Tyler when he couldn't be bothered anymore."  
"Right,"  
"And you think that's an acceptable way to treat an upset boy with a learning disability who is new to this school?!" Father jumped on the bandwagon with obviously fake outrage.  
"I do apologise Mr Dun, I'll be having words with him."  
"No wonder Joshua got a bit snippy with this other kid."  
"Mr Dun there's a difference between being a bit snippy and blaming a student for their rape." Principal Penn said and Josh was sure he was going to be sick, yes, definitely going to be sick.

"I need some air."  
"Joshua stay where you are and explain to your teachers that you didn't understand what you were saying."  
"Josh if you need to step outside for a moment to calm down then I'll come with you, make sure you're okay." Miss Draper offered with the most innocent of intentions.  
"So you can interrogate him without his father present to protect him? That's low." Father replied cruelly. "Stay where you are Joshua."  
"I can get you some water Josh? You're looking a little pale."  
"He's fine."  
"Josh?"  
"I'm fine." He lied.

"So Josh, how exactly did you find out about the sexual assault?"  
"I didn't know."  
"Everyone's aware that's not the truth, please, it's so much easier if you're just honest." The principal said.  
"I didn't know, genuinely, I got confused."  
"Confused? Over what?"  
"It's his condition, this happens sometimes, don't shame him for it." Father swooped in.  
"Dyslexia doesn't affect intelligence or social skills, or the ability to understand information verbally given." Miss Draper told them.  
"Oh you've read a textbook, congratulations, does that mean that you truly understand the specifics of how this affects my child? No. You barely know him, let alone understand him."  
"Go on Mr Dun, take this opportunity to share with us." The principal invited him to continue.  
"His whole life he's been different, and different means disliked when it comes to kids. The boys in his class have bullied him and he's been totally alienated, left out of all social events and then pulled into a classroom completely by himself. He's been alone for all these years, he hasn't developed the social skills that he needs to fit in. He can't text, can't use social media, can't keep up with the other children. Things other kids learn when they're small, unspoken rules about how you treat other people, he didn't get the opportunity to test out because he was an outcast. That's got to have done things to his head, anxiety, misunderstanding of social norms, not knowing right from wrong consistently." He spouted the words that whipped Josh like a cat o' nine tails and brought tears to his eyes.

"And honestly I'm appalled at this school for forcing me to say that in front of him, embarrassing him like this, you can clearly see he's upset."  
"Josh do you want a minute?" Miss Draper offered and Josh looked across at his father.  
*Keep going* he mouthed silently and discreetly, and Josh realised that this was all a play. The tears that rolled down his cheeks were real.

"Miss, you hurt my feelings," Josh sniffed, knowing he was doing what his father wanted him to do but that didn't make it any easier.  
"I'm sorry Josh, when was that?"  
"In your office. You, y-ou asked whether it was written on the walls. I, I, I can't read the walls,"  
"Oh Josh, I'm sorry, that was a lapse in thought and I do apologise."  
"You're supposed to be his pastoral head, lapses in thoughts aren't acceptable, especially on an issue that's so close to his heart and the reason you support him."  
"I'm sorry Mr Dun."  
"Mistakes happen, I'm sure this won't be repeated." Principle Penn said.  
"If her slip of the tongue can be forgiven, so should Josh's."  
"I don't agree that they're of the same par at all, however I do suggest we discuss the second issue, your son's unexplained absence yesterday."  
"Joshua?" Father looked at him to think on the spot and come up with a reason that made the school look bad.

"Sir I'm sorry, I was scared."  
"Scared?"  
"To come into school. I was scared, anxious about what I'd do at lunch, I don't have any friends."  
"Did Miss Draper assign you a buddy?"  
"Y-yeh, Tyler, but he wasn't here on Monday and I was all alone, I, I didn't want to do that again."  
"So it was anxiety Josh?" Miss Draper asked.  
"Y-yes," Josh sniffed, tears streaming for a different reason.

"You know you can come and talk to me about these things Josh, get if off your chest, come up with a plan together." The woman said and Josh wiped his tears with his sleeve, the material turning a darker colour. He wasn't crying over some made up anxiety, he was crying because of what happened to Tyler and what he had done to him. He was crying because Ryan was in hospital with a broken nose and cheekbone and he'd lost him as a friend, lost Tyler as a friend, lost Joel as a friend. Truly and utterly alone.

"Okay this is clearly quite a difficult situation Josh and we can put you in contact with a therapist, but please know that Miss Draper and any other teacher is available for you to reach out to." The principal said as he sobbed.  
"The teachers clearly aren't making him feel welcomed, why would he turn to them?"  
"Mr Dun would you like a moment outside with your son to help him calm down?"  
"Finish the meeting, give your decision, put him out of his misery." He instructed coldly as Josh continued to break down.

"Fine, last item on the agenda is the assault of Ryan Hilton."  
"The rapist's brother."  
"A member of the faculty who cannot be held accountable for the actions of a family member."  
"He used me." Josh spoke up in a manner he knew his father would approve of, minus the tears.  
"How so?"  
"I, I, I joined the, the baseball team, h-he, uh, he made me go drinking on Friday, initiation," he sobbed as he lied, guilt eating him up and Father's glare burning. "A-and he was the one who, who, t-told me it was Tyler's fault, but I swear he didn't say rape! He didn't say rape, he, he just tri-icked me, l-lied to me."  
"So you beat him up?"  
"I was t-trying to m-ma-ake it u-up to Ty-Tyler," he finally told the truth, and the two members of staff were quiet as they processed everything.

"It takes two to fight, I can assume that this child will be dealt with?"  
"Mr Dun, 'fight' is a bit generous, this was a one way beating. Ryan is in hospital with a zygomatic fracture and a shattered nose, whereas your son seems to be scratch free."  
"He hu-urt me too,"  
"Have you got any evidence of that?"  
"Y-yeh," he nodded then stood up shakily and lifted his shirt up to reveal the massive black and blue bruise that found its home on the bottom of his rib cage. It had grown since Joel had iced it and the pain had done nothing but intensify, but this was the first time he'd shown his father.

"Oh goodness, Josh, you've got to get that X-rayed in the hospital." Miss Draper gasped.  
"Ryan will be held accountable," Principal Penn assured before saying, "let's finish this meeting quickly so you can take your son Mr Dun."  
"I'm appalled that nobody spotted this before, don't you have a duty of care?"  
"He didn't tell us."  
"You, y-you di-idn't a-ask."  
"Despicable." Mr Dun shook his head, pretending to care.

"Let's wrap this up, as I said at the start of this meeting, we have a zero tolerance policy with previously expelled students. However I think given the circumstances, we may be able to reconsider that ruling in Josh's case." The principal said and Josh wish he could be relieved. "Expulsion is off the table, for now at least, but I believe that it would only be fair that Josh is suspended."  
"For getting confused due to a learning disability?"  
"For abusing two other students, regardless of motive. Standard school policy for fighting is 3 days, however I believe 2 days should serve fine since you're clearly feeling remorseful already Josh."  
"I a-am."  
"I'm putting you on a strike system, 3 and you're out. Today I'll be giving you 2, 1 for Tyler and 1 for Ryan, and that means you're on your last warning before expulsion."  
"O-okay,"  
"I hope this has hit home with you, inspires a change of attitude. You're only a week in Josh, I don't expect to see you in my office again."  
"N-n-no sir, you, you won't,"  
"Good,."

"And Josh, when you return on Monday we'll have a proper discussion about anxiety and friendships and social interactions. Set up some therapy and establish coping techniques." Miss Draper told him.  
"O-o-kay," he cried.  
"I'd like to take my son to the emergency room now."  
"Of course Mr Dun, and I'm grateful for you taking the time to come and help resolve this issue." Principal Penn stood up and offered out his hand, but it was ignored by the other man.  
"If my son's ribs are broken then you can expect a letter from my lawyer regarding negligence."

 

 

Josh sat in the back of the car with his father on the drive home - home, not the hospital - however he hadn't said a single word and it was honestly scaring Josh shitless. Suspended for 2 days was never going to go down well, but he would prefer getting screamed at again to this silent fury.

"Please, just do something," he squeaked, tears still leaking from his usually dry eyes. Father just stared out of the window for a moment before reaching into the compartment between them and pulling out a cigar. He lit it and took a deep drag, then stared out of the window a minute longer.

"Joshua, walking towards a baseball pitching machine? Rookie error." Was all he said before going back to smoking silently and watching the world fly by as Charles drove the roads and Josh cried and cried.

"Say something, shout at me, please," he practically begged. "Father please!"  
"I have nothing left to say."  
"Why not?! I got suspended, scream at me, tell me I'm worthless, tell me I've ruined everything for everyone all over again!"  
"What use will that do?" His father sighed, not breaking eye contact with the window. "I'm done Joshua."  
"What does that mean?"  
"It means I'm at a loss at what to do with you anymore. We have given you every opportunity, yet this is how you repay your mother and me." The dad said quietly and calmly.

"I don't know who you are anymore, I don't recognise you, it's been months since you've truly been my son."  
"I am your son, I am."  
"Not anymore. Our children are kind, respectful, dedicated, appreciative. They're aware of how fortunate they are and enjoy the life we've worked so hard to give them."  
"I do too!" Josh cried out.  
"We've given you the best and the most, yet you're never satisfied, never happy." He continued on in that slow and subdued tone which grated into Josh's soul. Father wasn't hysterical, wasn't saying things in the heat of the moment, wasn't telling him anything that hadn't been thought through throughly. He was telling Josh the truth.

"No baseball tonight. Take a walk in the gardens. Think things through."  
"Things? What things?"  
"Your place in our household."  
"You're kicking me out." Josh realised in horror.  
"Offering you the opportunity to go to boarding school, I trust you'll make the right decision Joshua."


	11. Chapter 11

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW on this chapter, stay safe xx  
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> Suicide and rape

When Tyler woke up, the sun had already risen and was seeping through the curtains, and panic was already filling their lungs and stopping them from functioning. They sat straight up and began screaming, a fairly usual start to the day a year ago but less common now.

"Tyler, Tyler, I'm here." Dad ran straight in, door banging against the wall with the ferocious barge and making them scream louder and louder. Their father half ran over to the drapes and pulled them open to allow the light and the hope to pour in, and the screams to stop. Closed curtains were too triggering, too, too, far too triggering.

"Open, they're open son, breathe, you're okay, they're open."  
"Da-ad,"  
"They're open Ty, look, look at the light."  
"Light." They panted terrified.  
"Yeah look outside Ty, look outside, the curtains are open and the light's coming in. You're safe."  
"Safe."  
"Safe." Dad nodded, half kneeling on their bed and holding eye contact for a long time as the gasps became less desperate and the pounding of their heart became less intense.

"You good?"  
"We're good, thank you Dad." They sighed, rubbing their eyes with their hand, then ruffling their hair. Dad was no good when it came to DID, but he knew and understood and comprehended triggers and how important it was to deal with them quickly.  
"You know the offer of me changing your curtains to blinds is still on the table."  
"We, um, we're doing better with them in general, exposure and everything, it's just today that was difficult."  
"Because of what that boy said yesterday?"   
"Yeh,"  
"Want me to hunt him down?"  
"We don't think he knew what he was doing, it's okay."  
"You're too nice for your own good, you know that right kiddo?"  
"We know Dad," Tyler told him with a small smile, trying not to think about it too much.

"I'm proud of you Ty,"  
"Proud?" They echoed confused.  
"You didn't have a flashback."  
"Oh, right, thanks Dad." This smile was more genuine.

"I understand if you say no, bigger man getting in your bed, but would it be okay if I came and sat next to you?"  
"Um, uh, can I tap out if it's too much?"  
"Absolutely you can, signal however you want and I'll stop immediately and get out."  
"Right, okay, yeh okay, that's fine." Tyler convinced himself alongside everyone else whose alarm bells were ringing as their father climbed onto the double bed and sat next to them. Shhh, you're safe, you're safe.

"Ty I need talk to you about a few things."  
"Things?" They asked, tapping their temple and wondering whether that was the way Dad was referring to them today.  
"They're not things Ty, they're people." He finally acknowledged and a fireworks went off in celebration. "And yes, I would like to discuss them among other things with you, is that alright?"  
"Yeh."  
"First thing, I wanna talk about the fight we had at the weekend."  
"Right." Tyler gulped, they never discussed it, never.

"You came to me, tried to reach out and tell me about something new and different with your life, and I reacted poorly. As a father, it is my duty and my privilege to lead you into adulthood, guide you however I can, and I didn't do that. Instead I blew up at you, I snapped and you had to pay the price."  
"Yeh," Tyler listened.  
"I think that some of the reasons, most of the reasons, I get so angry and so volatile is because I'm frustrated with myself for not being able to understand you Ty,"  
"Me personally or our whole system?"  
"The disorder, it just doesn't click with me how it works. I don't understand how you can be so many different people. However, I've spoken in depth with your mother and I've done some online research and I think I'm ready to listen when you're ready to talk."  
"Oh, wow, okay," Tyler was taken aback by their father's sudden eagerness to understand rather than deny the condition's existence.

"I want to apologise too, for arguing with your mother."  
"It's okay."  
"It's not okay Ty, I love her and she's my best friend and I never ever want to fight with her, but I also never want to trigger you and work you up into such a state that you need to actually go and stay somewhere else in order to calm down."  
"We just, we're not good with raised male voices."   
"Did he shout a lot?"  
"Please Dad."  
"Okay son, okay, I'm not going to make you, just stay calm." Dad soothed them successfully. "I will try not to shout from here on."  
"Thank you."  
"Whilst we're having this discussion, is there anything else I do that triggers you?"  
"Well, um, it's kinda stupid,"  
"Tyler if it makes you ill then it's not stupid, please, tell me,"   
"You know your shirt, your uh, the black one with the red stripes,"  
"Yeh?"  
"Michael had the same one."  
"Oh, right, want me to ditch it?"  
"Please." They nodded, relieved the massive anxiety of waiting to see whether their father would be wearing the tear-jerker that day would finally be over.  
"Done."  
"Thank you Dad."

"I am sorry that you have to go to Granny's so often."  
"It's okay, we like being with her, we sort of look forward to it,"  
"Why's that Ty?"  
"Because she feels safe."  
"And here, at home, this doesn't?" He asked before adding, "I won't be mad."  
"It doesn't feel unsafe all the time, just occasionally it gets on top of me. When Jay's crying or Maddy's screaming or Zack's bounce bounce bouncing the ball outside, or, you know, you and Mom are fighting. We just get overwhelmed by all the sounds and the energy and it gets a bit much."  
"Yeh,"  
"We try to stay out of it, meditate or play piano, but even with that it can still get on top of us. Then if someone else begins fronting, anything could happen and that makes me feel unsafe. So yeah, I know you wouldn't hurt me or anything, it's just calmer and easier at Granny's."

"Would it help you calm down and stay in control if you went for a walk when you started feeling tense?"  
"Mom doesn't like us going out alone, especially not when we're feeling low."  
"Ah okay, fair enough, best to keep you safe."  
"Yeh,"  
"Well you can always tell me kiddo, you know, if you want me to take you to Granny's or for a walk together or something."  
"Thanks Dad." Tyler smiled, knowing they probably wouldn't but appreciating the offer anyway.

"Actually this leads me nicely onto my next point, Granny,"  
"Is she okay?" They tried not to sound as panicked as they were.  
"She's fine Ty, your mother just thought I should discuss whether you'd like to go and stay with her today?"  
"What time is it?"  
"It's just gone 10am and Mom didn't wake you for school because she doesn't think you're well enough after yesterday, however she left it up to my best judgement as to what to do with you now. She's gone to work, we can't afford anymore missed shifts, and I managed to switch mine so I'm on lates today. That means I've got to pop off in about 40 minutes. Do you want me to give you a ride to Granny's so you can spend your afternoon with her? Or do you want to stay home alone."  
"Right," Tyler thought.

"Can I stay home? I think I want to do some more work on getting through to Willow." They decided eventually.  
"Other than the screaming you seem okay today, if you'd like to then I wouldn't have a massive problem with you staying alone as long as you promise to text your mother every hour on the dot with an update."  
"I will."  
"Good kid, and good luck with the new girl."  
"Thanks Dad."

"Oh and one more thing, Mom says you need to pop to the chemist and pick up your prescriptions today. Can you manage that at some point or do you want me to?"  
"I'll do it, I need to talk to Maurice anyway."  
"Okay good job Tyler, you're doing really great."  
"Thank you,"  
"I'm serious kid, your meltdowns are few and far between, s'big improvement and I'm proud of you."  
"Thank you Dad."

"I need to go get showered and dressed for work but I'll leave your medication money on the table, $445 right?"  
"$485."  
"85, got it, right, I'll say bye before I leave."  
"Okay, and thank you for this, talking to me, means a lot."  
"I do love you Ty,"  
"Love you too Dad."

 

 

If Josh could write, he'd get out a yellow legal pad and a thick black pen and write out a list of reasons to live and reasons to die. But he couldn't. That's a reason for the second column which he had to instead imagine as he stared up at the ceiling of his new bedroom.

This was supposed to be a fresh start, he was supposed to get another go, he was not supposed to be having these kind of thoughts again.

It had started about 5 months ago, that small seed of doubt over whether he was really good enough. He'd won the state championship, captained his team to victory and been hailed a god in the eyes of the thousands who had come to watch. And yet a small seed, a small voice, do you deserve this? Are you really enough? Are you worthy of this praise?

He'd asked his father whether it was normal, if he too had felt like that when he had won state championships when he was in high school. Father laughed, told him he was being too humble and to revel in the celebrations before going back to the hard work again on Monday, and so it was never discussed again.

But the seed did what seeds did, and it grew. It didn't take long before every time he picked up a bat or put on a glove it became a mission and a challenge to prove to himself that he wasn't a hyped up sack of unskilled crap. The mission usually failed and the end of practice always ended in a frustrated slam of a locker door and teammate telling him it wasn't fair on them if he sulked on a performance that was miles ahead of theirs. That didn't help, nothing helped, his expectations were ridiculously high and so underperformance was his only possible outcome. And that was how baseball became a confidence sapping, self esteem draining, mentally exhausting daily activity.

Baseball had been Josh's escape. His whole high school life he could have been the kid who couldn't read, but instead he became known as the kid who could play. So when playing was making him miserable and academics felt like slamming his head against a brick wall over and over and over again, it was easy to fall into a pit of depression. It didn't lead anywhere, he didn't do anything, never tried to act on the thoughts, they just made him sad. A deep sadness, a hollowness, an emptiness.

Josh had never been particularly strong in the friend department, he'd been picked on from the age of 6 or 7 right through until he was 14 or 15 when he bulked up enough to make a difference on the field. At that point people stopped being petty douchebags and started to value him as a teammate, but friendships never really went further than the locker room. He'd never been to a sleepover, never gone to a birthday party, never done any of the usual play-monsters-in-the-forest kid stuff or even had a friend round to his house. There were probably three or four guys that he would consider a friend at Weston, however he doubted they'd even thought of him once since he moved out of Cleveland.

Sometimes he wondered whether it would be different if he had a friend, whether he wouldn't be staring at the ceiling with tears silently running down his cheeks and an ice pack balancing on his ribcage.

Liberty had been his chance to finally do it, make a real life friend who wasn't payed to be there. Find someone to confide in, share with, actually form a meaningful relationship that would somehow tie him to this life that otherwise seemed pointless. But no. He'd blown in.

All his life he'd been alone, this was the first time he'd felt lonely.

Fears of being insufficient had almost killed him before, just not like this. When Weston decided they couldn't have a blip like him ruining their reputation of 100% of students getting 1200 or more on their SATs, he had pushed himself too far in the gym to prove he was worth keeping, ended up collapsing in a seizure. All sorts of words were echoed in the hospital, long term damage, potential for a heart attack, heart failure.

Josh wished heart failure didn't sound so much like the perfect solution.

He wasn't suicidal, he wasn't, he was just serious contemplating taking his own life. And even thinking that made him want to slap himself, get a grip and stop being so self pitying, and yet he couldn't. These feelings were real, the actions leading up to this day were set in stone and Josh didn't see how anything would change.

Time for a mental list.

He had dyslexia, he couldn't read, he couldn't write, he therefore couldn't assimilate into normal life and never would.

It was his fault that his family had been forced to leave Weston, the best school in the state and the opportunity of a lifetime, blown because of him. They'd had to leave everything behind thanks to him, and they loathed him for it.

Every time he played baseball he felt a little bit worse about himself, and it was chip chip chipping away at his now virtually nonexistent confidence.

He had started a new school and only a week in he had already made enemies with all the teachers involved in his education using lies to impress a father who would never be impressed.

The only person who had ever truly showed him genuine compassion or friendship was walking away from Josh forever in pursuit of some other family. Joel had found other seniors to replace him with, a proper group of kids who could read and write and function and actually contribute to society. He was being replaced with a better model by his best friend.

He had ruined any opportunity of making friends by beating up the captain of the team baseball team and the whole student body, and therefore also made his school life living Hell once he returned.

A suspension would now be added to his student profile, yet another reason no college would ever consider him. Laughed at, that's what his parents had said.

He had ruined his only career option. There was not a cat's chance in Hell that Ryan or Principal Penn would be letting him represent the school anytime soon. No baseball in high school meant no chance of college baseball, no chance of pro baseball, no chance in life.

He had potentially pushed a rape victim to kill himself, judging by the severity of the trigger he had caused Tyler.

His parents had given up on him. Told him to give up on himself. Told him they didn't want him around anymore.

His ribs really really hurt.

Enough said.

"Siri, what does a box of paracetamol look like?"

 

 

  
The giant green cross outside the door of the pharmacy was Josh's signal, his sign that he was in the right place. A small bell rang as he pushed the door open and it made him jump, head snapping up with a small gasp, but soon settled once he realised that nobody was looking at him.

He said settled, he wasn't settled, he was the most nervous and most excited he had ever been. But with shaky steps and catching breath, he managed to walk towards the first aisle.

Of course he couldn't read the signs or the labels at the top of each rack, but he could tell that these bottles of mouthwashes weren't going to do the job he was after, so he carried on walking and walking back and fourth until eventually he came to stacks of red boxes, similar to the ones he had found on Google with Siri's help. He quickly opened up his photos again and held the image up for comparison purposes, then triple checked that all the coloured markings were the same. Only once he was completely convinced that he was getting paracetamol did he finally take 3 boxes off the shelf. No, 4, better to be safe.

It didn't take Josh long to locate the checkout desk, a massive arrow on the wall pointing down to it. He slid his phone away then clutched the rattling packs of pills and made his way over there.

The counter stretched the length of the wall but there was nobody behind it, he looked to the right, nobody, looked to the left, Tyler.  
"Hey, Maurice is just in the back filling out my prescription, he'll be back in a minute." The skinny boy explained kindly with a smile, confusing Josh. Didn't that guy hate him? Hadn't he caused him to have a breakdown no less than 24 hours ago? Why was he talking to him when his mom had so clearly banned it? Why was he talking to him at all?

"Are you okay?"  
"Me? W-what about you?" Josh stammered awkwardly, wishing nothing more than for this Maurice guy to come back and let him buy the pills and take them so fast that this conversation would all be over, everything would just be over.

"Yeah I'm okay, sorry about freaking out on you yesterday, didn't mean to scare you." Tyler said, astounding Josh because why on Earth was HE apologising when Josh had been the one to blame him for his own rape.  
"Right here we go Ty," a man in a white jacket returned then caught sight of Josh down the other end of the counter. "Sorry to keep you waiting sir, I'll just be one moment."  
"S'fine." Josh lied.

"Everything's present and correct, and what you were telling me about headaches? I checked the side effects booklet for that particular antipsychotic and it's completely normal when you're increasing a dosage. If it gets bad then take a paracetamol and that should calm it down a bit. However if it's still causing you trouble in a fortnight then come and see me and I'll sort you out."   
"Thanks Maurice," Tyler smiled as the man put the 5 bottles of pills on the surface then took out 5 paper bags and put them in individually, stapling the tops over and sticking on printed labels as Josh watched.

"Again, same as every month, come and talk to me any time if you have any other questions or if you just need a coffee - oh wait, you're a Red Bull guy aren't you?"  
"That I am, that I am," the younger smiled. "And thanks, I really appreciate that."  
"It's what friends are for." The man who was maybe 40 years their senior replied, taking a slip of card off Tyler that Josh presumed was insurance or something like that. He punched several numbers into the till and Josh was shocked to see the price that came up. He had never really been shopping by himself before but if that was the price of medication then he began wondering how much of a dent this purchase was going to put into the wad of cash he had grabbed and shoved in his wallet. But then he remembered that it didn't matter, this was the last purchase he was ever going to make and after this money would mean nothing to him. Nothing would mean anything.

"Oh shoot,"  
"Everything okay?" Maurice asked Tyler, who had taken some notes out of a white envelope.  
"Dad only gave me $445, I told him they went up, I told him this morning, shoot," he began to panic and Josh watched the scene unfold with concern.  
"Want me to count?"  
"Please?" Tyler nodded and passed the money across to the shop owner with a shaking hand. For some reason even Josh was nervous as he also counted up, which he knew was ridiculous.  
"Yeah you're $445 here,"  
"Shoot, what am I gonna do, shoot shoot shoot,"  
"Tyler deep breaths, want me to hold your prescription here whilst you run back and get some more money from home? Or do you want to pay for 4 then come back for a 5th tomorrow along with the rest of the money?" Maurice offered him options as the younger put his hands on his head, visibly panicking.

"There's no money at home, Mom had to empty the emergency jar for groceries this week and I took Jenna on a date so I've got nothing." Tyler shared. "And all my packs run out tonight, I need all my new pills tomorrow,"  
"Tyler you know that's bad practice," the owner said, sympathetically rather than disapprovingly. "Listen, you've got 60 lorazepam pills. I can swap the pack for 30 and that gets you within budget, but you're still going to have to come back and get the rest of your doses at a later date."  
"They're more expensive that way, bulk's cheaper." Tyler continued to fret.

"How short are you?" Josh asked.  
"Pardon son? What was that?" Maurice called back to him.  
"How short is he?"  
"40 bucks."  
"I've got it." He said, jogging the short distance with considerable pain, then taking out his wallet and pulling out a $50 note and giving it to the man without Tyler's approval. Maurice began entering the cash and then printed a receipt and handed Josh the $10 change. For a moment he considered giving that to Tyler too, but by the look on his face he wouldn't appreciate the pathetic act of charity and Josh would be a horrific person to do that to him.

"Thanks, I'll, I'll pay you back," Tyler whispered as he began picking up his medication and putting it into his backpack, clearly embarrassed.  
"Don't worry about it, I don't need it back."  
"I'd like to."  
"Well if you have it and you see me then I'll take it, but if not then consider it a gift." Josh said, knowing full well that Tyler would ever see him again. Nobody would.

"Kid, this is a lot of paracetamol." He heard Maurice say, and turned to see that the old man had wandered over to the counter where Josh had left his four boxes. Josh went back and left Tyler to continue packing away his meds.

"What are they for?"  
"This," Josh lied, lifting up his hoodie to show off the bruise again.  
"Ouch, broken?"  
"Yeh," he presumed.  
"How did you manage that?"  
"Playing baseball."  
"Eek, that's gotta hurt."  
"Yes sir."  
"Still, I'm afraid I can't sell you all of this."  
"Huh?" Josh echoed, trying not to panic. This is fine, this is fine, he doesn't know, you've got a valid excuse, this is fine.

"It's the law son, you're only allowed 2 boxes."  
"But I need them all."  
"You can come back and buy more at a later date, just not all at once."  
"I'm going away, I have to have them today."   
"Going away? Where?"  
"Baseball training camp." He lied again, he truly meant he was going away as in he would be going away, somewhere he couldn't come back from.

"Your doctor allowed that?" Maurice seemed doubtful and Josh's heart pounded through his chest. This couldn't be happening.  
"Yeah, he just said I need to stay on top of my pain relief. Please, nobody needs to know, can I just have the 4?"  
"Listen, son, the law's the law. For people like you and me it can seem a tad extreme, but there are a lot of vulnerable people out there who misuse these pills and the rule is in place to protect them, the rest of us just have to support that ruling for them."  
"How long do I have to wait before I can get more?"  
"When's your training camp?"  
"I leave tonight." Josh told him his plan.  
"How long for?"  
"Week."  
"Hmm, yeah you're right, you're gonna need more than two packs." Maurice hummed and Josh got the impression that this guy was a problem solver, he'd tried for Tyler and now was trying for him.

"Okay you didn't hear this from me, but just because you can't buy 4 packs from the same store doesn't mean you can't buy 4 packs total, you get what I'm saying?"  
"I appreciate that more than you can imagine sir." Josh nodded honestly, already trying to remember where Siri had said some of the other pharmacies were. "I'll take 2 from here please,"  
"Coming right up. Oh, bye Tyler, see you in a few weeks," Maurice began scanning the items then waved to Tyler, who waved back as he walked out.

"It was nice what you did for that kid, you know him?"  
"Not really."   
"Shame, reckon he could do with a good friend. $12 please."  
"I reckon we all could." Josh sighed as he passed across the money.   
"Very wise son, very wise." Maurice smiled as he printed a receipt and gave Josh $3 change. "Good luck at your baseball camp."  
"Thank you sir, for this and for your advice."  
"Anytime, always a pleasure to meet a new face..."  
"Josh," he finished for him.   
"Josh. Will I be seeing you around here more often?"  
"Hopefully not." Josh answered, praying he'd be dead soon. However the other man had other ideas and understandingly presumed he meant he wouldn't want to be in a pharmacy too often, and laughed.

"Haha, well I hope the rib heels up soon."  
"I'm sure the pain will be over soon. It was nice talking to you, have a good afternoon."  
"You too." Maurice waved him off, and just like that Josh was walking out of the store with half the drugs he needed to finally put this all to an end.

As soon as the cold Ohio air hit him, he pulled out his phone and prepared to ask Siri about finding a different store, however Tyler was stood there ready to greet him.

"Want me to show you the way?"  
"Huh?"   
"To Walgreens to buy more pain relief. I overheard you speaking to Maurice." Tyler explained.   
"You don't have to, I mean, especially not for me of all people."  
"Consider it me saying thank you for paying off my meds, I don't know what I would have done otherwise."  
"I mean if you're genuinely offering then that would be amazing?"  
"Course, this way." Tyler nodded then started walking in the opposite direction to wear Josh had come from. All he prayed was that he wouldn't get lost coming back, he wanted to be at home when he died, didn't want to have to go through with it in a park or somewhere if he got desperately disoriented.

"Tyler I'm sorry,"  
"Oh it's alright." He seemed to hum happily which went completely against everything Josh expected from the rape victim who had been in hysterics yesterday. Instead he held the straps of his backpack like a little kid as he lead the way down the sidewalk, small smile on his cheeks as he saw a bird land just ahead of them.

"It's not alright, I am so sorry for what I said, I had no idea what it meant."  
"Nah it's cool, you're the new kid, you wanna blend, want to fit in with Ryan and the team. I get it, someone's gotta pay for the bonding, don't worry."   
"I don't want to fit in with Ryan, trust me on that."  
"Josh it's fine if you wanna be friends with him, I mean he's captain of the baseball team a-"  
"And I beat him up."  
"Wait you did what?"  
"Yesterday, after you went home, I confronted him about the lies he told me regarding what happened to you. That conversation just happened to include breaking his cheek bone and nose."  
"Oh damn!" Tyler laughed and Josh was still surprised to hear such positive noises coming from the guy.

"I got suspended."  
"Worth it?"  
"Totally worth it." Josh agreed without even thinking about to what extent he believed what he was saying.

"Did you do it for me?"  
"Yeh, yeh I did Ty." He told the complete truth this time. "I didn't like what he said about you, the things he told me."  
"I mean that's one way of shutting him up," he continued to chuckle.  
"He tricked me into saying something completely wrong to you and I am so so sorry, if I knew what it meant then there's absolutely no way those words would have left my mouth and I feel truly awful."  
"Don't." Tyler shrugged. "If you think you're the first then you clearly aren't keyed into what high school's like. I get that sort of stuff on the weekly, I only got upset because I've got some other stuff happening in my head right now."  
"I'm so sorry."  
"Honest, it's fine."  
"It's not fine, none of this is fine," Josh shook his head stubbornly, watching his feet rather than his route.

"Here we are." Tyler announced and he finally looked up to see a slightly rundown suburban house with a tiny basketball court for a front yard and roof tiles missing like a pattern. The paint on the windows was peeling and cracking, and there was a chipped plant pot on the porch for a garden.

"This isn't Walgreens."  
"Nope. This is my house."  
"Tyler you don't understand, I need these painkillers today, I'm leaving for my training camp tonight, I need them now."  
"No Josh you're wrong, I do understand, I understand exactly what this is and I've tried it myself a few times. Maurice may be one to judge a book by its cover and presume that just because you're an athlete you can't be suicidal, but I'm not that easy to convince."  
"I'm not suicidal."  
"And I'm the Queen of England." Tyler replied and suddenly Josh burst into tears. That's what Joel always used to say when Josh had said something equally as ridiculous and now Joel was leaving and everyone was leaving and he had nothing and no one and he couldn't breathe.

 

 

Tyler felt...weird? Josh was sat in his living room, calming down from a mini breakdown outside, and Tyler was getting them all some drinks to keep them hydrated throughout the conversation that was inevitably about to be held. They knew they were almost definitely going to reveal their other alters, and they knew they were going to listen to Josh talk about his own issues, and that should be hard so why on earth were they excited?

Tyler knew why, it was Willow. The new kid who was yet to make contact with the others was suddenly active. He had felt it the moment Josh walked up to the counter in Maurice's, they made eye contact and suddenly Willow was ready to wake up. They knew she wasn't going to front and she wasn't going to kick up a storm, however something about Josh made her feel warm inside. It was almost as if Josh was energising her, pulling her out of her shell and feeding her confidence. Tyler had no idea what that meant exactly but any progress with Willow made him happy, and they couldn't wait to go and join Josh again on the stained couch in the cramped living room.

"There we go, a Red Bull for you." Tyler passed him a can which he took nervously, then he put a bag of Doritos on the table before sitting next to him.  
"Aren't, a-aren't these really bad for you?"  
"Maybe a bit, not as bad as 32g of paracetamol." They got straight to the point as they took a slurp and watched as Josh copied anxiously, clearly tasting his first ever energy drink.

"I'm a rich white guy who's good as sports, what problems could I possibly have?" He sniffed at himself whilst wiping more tears away.  
"What's going on Josh? Safe space, you can talk."  
"There's nothing to say,"  
"I don't believe you, you wouldn't be feeling like this if there wasn't." They said, careful to use singular pronouns until the time was right.  
"It's just dumb petty bullshit and I can't say it to you of all people."  
"Me? What does that mean?"  
"You know what that means Tyler." Josh cried, tears unending. "You got raped, you've got every reason to give up and yet you're still here. If you can be strong then why I am so pathetic that I'm struggling to find any reason to stay."  
"Hey, I haven't always been so keen to stick around either, and even today I still struggle with it at times. And I think the fact that you're comparing yourself to others so severely is probably one reason you're feeling so upset in the first place. I'm your friend Josh, I want to help, I want to listen and I'm never going to laugh at you or say that your reason for wanting to kill yourself isn't good enough."  
"You're my friend?" He looked up at them with big wet eyes.  
"Of course I'm your friend, we just don't know each other very well yet." Tyler told him.

"Look, can I show you something?"  
"Um, okay."  
"It's just outside," they said, standing up and waiting as Josh also got off the couch, then lead the way out of the house. They were slightly embarrassed by the state of the tiny rooms and the 60s decor, but that was hardly important in the grand scheme of things. It didn't take long before they reached the back door which they quickly unlocked and held open for Josh, then shut and walked the small distance to the back of the lawn where Tyler's treehouse was.

"The fourth rung squeaks but it won't break." Tyler reassured Josh before quickly making their way up the wooden ladder and ducking through the small doorway so they could enter the teeny little space inside. The floor was wood but had a scratchy wool blanket thrown down onto it and several pillows and beanbags were left around with no real plan. Years of spilt drinks and leaving the door open in the rain or the sun had left them discoloured but Tyler found comfort as they relaxed into the familiarity of a beanbag. Josh followed not long after and sat down timidly.

"This is my treehouse, my little getaway, Dad built it for me when I was 8 or 9 and we did it together as a summer project but I gave up after sawing like 2 planks and hitting a single nail. But yeah, Dad did a good job and it's still standing today."  
"Yeh,"  
"When I was in elementary and middle school it was everyone's favourite place to hang out in my friendship group, so after school we used to all pile in here and then we would play stupid games. One of our favourite always used to be climbing onto the roof and then trying to jump all the way across the fence and onto the neighbour's trampoline. A lot of kids broke a lot of bones playing but we had fun."  
"Mmm," Josh hummed as he ran the pad of his index finger round and round the lip of his Red Bull can.

"Then high school started and treehouses weren't cool anymore, I mean I didn't find it cool either and so we just stopped climbing up here and started meeting in basements and at the courts instead. I wasn't really sad about it at the time, I was just going with the flow and it felt like we'd all matured a lot which was cool."  
"Yeh,"  
"And then after the trauma I suddenly needed that safety, that representation of all those joyous childhood memories, so the first thing I did was run all the way home and climb up here and I didn't leave for 5 days. I didn't leave even for a moment, not for the toilet or for food or during the ridiculously cold nights. I barricaded myself in here and stayed here till I plucked up the bravery to let my mom in."  
"Oh,"  
"Ever since, this has been my safe place. If I need to get away from everything, if I need a good cry or space to have a panic attack or to just let go and dissociate then this is where I come." Tyler explained, letting it sink in for a moment.

"I think that's important Josh, to have a space or an activity or just a thing which is cathartic for you and gives you a chance to let it out and stop it building up till you reach crisis point like you have today. Do you have something like that?"  
"No, no not really." Josh answered quietly.   
"Well I'll share my treehouse with you."  
"Thanks,"

"Josh,"  
"Yeh?" He finally made eye contact.  
"Did Ryan tell you what happened to me?"  
"No."  
"Would you like to know?"  
"It's your business."  
"Sharing's important, you learn that when you're 3 and it's no less true when you're 17. Everyone's gotta get stuff off their chest somehow, stop it suffocating them."   
"I don't want you to get upset again."  
"I'm in control." Tyler said truthfully. All the other alters, Willow and Blurry included, were sat down calmly and listening closely. "This is me doing something on my terms, knowing my own boundaries and my own limits. I can talk if you're willing to listen."  
"I am." Josh nodded, so Tyler took a sip of his Red Bull then a deep breath.

"Jenna and I have been dating forever. We met when we started middle school and almost instantly got together. It was more best friends for a while because we were giggly kids who thought kissing was gross, but we went to the movies and to the park and played laser tag and went on picnics and everything until we were completely comfortable and yeah, eventually we kissed when we were 13." Tyler began explaining.

"We dated, properly dated for about 2 years. We kissed and more than kissed and we were so so happy, going on dates several times a week and basically just completely in love. Throughout that time I played basketball to a pretty high ability, and when I was a sophomore my coach decided to let me train with the high school varsity team a few times a week."  
"Yeh,"  
"Varsity was amazing. All these older boys who could run faster and jump higher and do all these amazing things that I was in awe of, and I just wanted to be like them. I trained extra hard and did everything I could to keep up with them, and in the end that entailed approaching the junior captain and asking for some tutoring 1:1 on the weekends."  
"Michael?"  
"Michael." Tyler nodded.

"We met up on Sunday afternoons for about 4 hours every week, and he worked me hard. Sweat and blood and tears. It was intense and it brought up a lot of emotions, and some of those weren't quite the ones I expected. He was always shirtless and always glistening, and I always caught myself looking."  
"Right,"  
"And don't even get me started on when he'd touch me, it was cliche but it was fireworks. For a while I thought it was just admiration, he was this record holding player despite not even being a senior and he inspired me so much, but nope, it was more than that. And a couple of weeks after these feelings started, he kissed me."  
"Did Jenna know?" Josh asked, getting a little braver with his questions.  
"I told her." They replied, taking another sip of their drink.

"Yeh I told her straight away, and she was actually really good about it. We stayed up all night talking about it and she got quite upset actually, not because I had cheated but because she thought I was gay and she had forced our relationship on me. For so long we were more like friends and Jenna began wondering whether it had been because of my sexuality and she had backed me into a corner and I felt stuck with her. I immediately told her it wasn't like that, that I did love her, but in the end we decided that I needed to explore these new emotions and desires."  
"That was good of her,"  
"Really good." Tyler agreed. "I didn't feel like I was gay in a straight relationship, however I didn't know what I was, all I knew was that I wanted to be with Michael all the time."

"Do you know now?"  
"My sexuality? Pan. Means I'll date someone of any or no gender."  
"Never heard of it, but, uh, but that's okay." Josh said, but Tyler hadn't doubted him for a moment.

"I went back to Michael and told him that I broke up with Jenna, and immediately he asked me out. It was scary, really scary, because only a couple of week before this I had no idea I wasn't straight. It was nerve wracking but Michael took really good care of me."  
"Yeh,"  
"He was this amazing basketball player and he was popular and comfortable in his sexuality, and it rubbed off on me. He was really proud of me, always showing me off to his friends and introducing me to people with a smile. Made me feel loved."  
"Mmm,"  
"And it wasn't just for show, he was even sweeter behind closed doors. Whenever I felt nervous about something, like holding hands in a certain public place or coming out to my parents, he was there. I felt protected and supported in testing what I felt secure doing."  
"Yeh," Josh continued to listen closely.

"We had kissed a lot but nothing more than that, and on a couple of occasions I had asked him whether he was disappointed or upset that I wasn't giving him more, and he always rushed to calm me down and say that we would take things at my pace and it was never going to be a problem if I needed things slower."  
"What changed?"   
"He tore his ACL," Tyler answered. "Needed surgery, it was really bad and he was in a loooot of pain, almost unbearably so for the first week. I went over to his house everyday and watched movies with him and helped him eat and just generally took care of him, but he was short tempered with me. I understood, pain, meds, frustration, it was spilling over onto me and I tried not to take it to heart."  
"Yeah,"

"I asked Ryan whether Michael was being irascible with him too, but he said no which confused me a bit. However I continued to visit him at home every night and put up with whatever snappy comments he made. It was just small things, oh why did you have to go and do that, stop chewing so loudly, stop breathing so close to me, that sort of thing. They were small mutterings but they added up."   
"Yeah I understand."

"He started getting stronger again and came back to school about two weeks after his injury on crutches. All his friends were so pumped about having him back and when I was with them as a group he seemed so happy. They were all cheering and fussing him and he was loving it. But there was still the practical side of school and I decided that, as boyfriend, it was my duty to help him out. So the main thing I did was get out his books for him and take them to each lesson."  
"Yeah," Josh listened, and for some reason Tyler was slightly proud to watch him take a small sip of his Red Bull when he so obviously was afraid of the contents of the drink.

"But I was a sophomore and he was a junior so we never had classes together, so in order to help him get to class and also get to my own I had to rush around a lot and even with that I was always late. Because I was always running late, sometimes I would have to cut him off mid conversation to run off. And he got really really shitty with me. We had a really big fight about it one day after school and he shouted at me and called me all sorts of names and threw some stuff, actually made me cry."  
"I'm sorry,"

"Again I put it down to pain and I forgave him, and I went back to him the next day. I think that was where it really started going wrong - not necessarily that he was getting mad at me, but that I was going back without looking for an apology."  
"Right."  
"Next day was just the same, him being short with me, but then he cheered up in the afternoon. I asked him why he was in such a good mood and apparently all the seniors in the basketball team decided to throw him a party to celebrate him coming back."  
"Were you invited?"  
"Michael invited me since it was his party. I didn't really know anyone else at all, sophomore at a senior party, I was totally out of place."  
"Yeah,"  
"But I went along anyway, my first proper party with drinking. After all Michael was my boyfriend and I loved him, so of course I went to his party to celebrate his successful surgery."  
"Yeah."

"So we went together, him still on crutches, and at the start of the night we were having a really great time together, kissing and laughing and enjoying ourselves. Then a bunch of the seniors dragged him off for some drinking game and I let him go have fun with his friends. I sat alone by the pool for a while, 20 minutes, 30 minutes, an hour. In the end I went inside to check on him, and he was completely off his face."  
"Ty you don't have to keep going if you don't want."  
"No no it's okay, it didn't happen that night. But thank you." They smiled gratefully. "I found him and he was so ridiculously drunk, and I told him he'd had enough. I told him that he was on strong painkillers and he shouldn't have even had any, and he still needed to be sober enough to use crutches. All his friends jeered and laughed at me and at him, and he eventually dragged us off into another room. I tried to ask him if he was enjoying his party but he was having none of it."  
"Yeh,"  
"He just snapped, literally screamed at me for ruining his party, then he punched me in the face."  
"Oh crap, I'm so sorry Tyler."

"I was in shock for a second but then I ran off and I ran and I ran straight from the party and straight over to Jenna's house crying. She invited me in and calmed me down and iced my eye and then as soon as I told her what happened she hit the roof. She started crying and begging me to break up with him, but I didn't. In my mind it was my fault, I mean it was his party and I was being a spoil sport and it wasn't his fault he was on medication and he was in pain, and he was drunk after all so he wasn't in control. And it went on and on and on like that for 2 months. Him getting frustrated, hitting me, Jenna begging me to leave him and me finding a way to protect him."  
"Why? Why protect him?"   
"Because I was in love." Tyler shrugged honestly and a little sadly. "I was in love with the idea of a person who no longer existed, and I didn't want to have to accept that he was gone, that he'd changed. Or worse than that, face up to the reality that maybe that person never existed, maybe it had all been an act up until then. I loved Michael, and, a-and this guy who hurt me, he wasn't my Michael. I got in my head that maybe it was me, maybe I'd done something to make him act like that. And if I had broken him, maybe I could love him into being the man I thought he could be."

"Do you want to stop?" Josh asked and Tyler looked up to realise that the red haired boy was silently crying. It took another long second before they realised that their cheeks were damp too.

"One day after yet another grilling by my parents over mystery bruises and another begging session by Jenna, I went over and told him we were done. He didn't like being told what to do, including when I told him no."  
"Stop. Stop, I don't want to hear."  
"I'll spare you the details. He raped me, and in doing that he ruined me."  
"He's in jail now Ty, he deserves so much worse but at least he's getting punished." Josh said, tears running faster than he could wipe them.  
"Not for rape."

"Please, please tell me you reported him to the police."  
"I did, it took me 4 months but I did eventually manage. All I'll say is that our boys in blue are not so easily convinced when it comes to male rape victims or victims who were assaulted by their partners or victims without any "evidence" or victims who had a panic attack every time they tried to talk about details. The police didn't even arrest him."  
"Oh God," Josh looked horrified.  
"He got done for drugs in the end, which does nothing for my sense of injustice but it does make it ever so slightly easier to sleep at night, knowing he's locked away."  
"Yeh," the other guy sighed, still looking distraught as he rubbed away tears and played with his hair in some sort of distraction.

"Listen, I'm sorry, that was a lot for me to say and I'm guessing a lot for you to listen to. I've still got more pieces to explain before you truly know everything, and I would like for you to know everything. Simultaneously I also want to hear about you, want to know what's going on and whether there's anything at all I can do. So please, can we continue this conversation in the morning?"  
"In the morning? Yeah, yeah okay."  
"You can crash here tonight."  
"Crash? W-what's that?" Josh asked.  
"Sleep."  
"A sleepover?"  
"Yeah," they nodded, beginning to get a feeling of how separated this guy truly was from social norms.

"I've never been to a sleepover before."  
"That's okay, it doesn't matter, I just want to make sure you're safe tonight."  
"Safe? From what?"  
"From yourself Josh." They sighed. "I haven't forgotten about those boxes of paracetamol."  
"Oh,"  
"Please? Stay over tonight?"  
"I don't know what I need, what do I need?"  
"Nothing, I can lend you whatever,"  
"What if I'm no good at it?"  
"You can't be bad at staying at a friend's house Josh. I'm not going to force you if you really don't want to, I'm just concerned about your safety and would feel better knowing you were somewhere you weren't going to harm yourself. Can you promise that you won't harm yourself at home?"  
"No," Josh shook his head tearfully. "I can't guarantee that."   
"Well looks like you're having your first ever sleepover then. Come on, let's get out of here, I'll show you around."


	12. Chapter 12

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Emergehd this is almost 10000 words I'm so sorry...

Josh was the first to wake up, and he was completely and utterly at a loss for what to do. Tyler was asleep on some sort of camping mattress or something like that on the floor, and Josh was laying in his bed. He may not have known much about sleepovers but he knew that Tyler was being polite by giving the guest the bed, and yet it still made him feel uncomfortable. This wasn't his bed, wasn't his room, wasn't his house. This didn't feel right, taking his bed, and yet being in his room felt anything but wrong.

Tyler was on the floor, his mattress taking up the rest of the tiny amount of space, and had a spare comforter tucked right up to his chin. Josh was too afraid to sit up in case the sound was too loud and woke the sleeping host, but even from his frozen position he could see the gentle rise and fall of his chest.

There was something innocent about the way Tyler slept, maybe the softened expression, perhaps the slightly open mouth, feasibly the gentle snores that escaped from within on odd occasions. If you saw him for the first time like this, there was not a chance you would be able to guess what had happened to him. He looked so calm, so at peace.

As a matter of fact it was very difficult to tell something so horrific had happened to him even by holding a conversation with the man. Josh was in awe of how well he had done to be doing so well. He had every right to be bitter and spiteful and shut himself off from everyone and everything, and yet he hadn't. In actuality he had almost definitely saved Josh's life.

It hadn't really hit him how close he truly was to taking his own life. He was going to do it, had half the pills in his hand and determined to buy the others and take them all, and yet somehow Tyler had managed to step in and be there at exactly the right moment. Yes, he had explained a horrible traumatic thing from his past, but he'd also just been there for Josh. After the treehouse Tyler hadn't pushed him to talk, hadn't demanded an explanation or anything. All he asked was for the boxes of pills, and Josh surrendered them easily.

After that he was introduced to the family once they came home from work or school. Initially Mrs Joseph had been cold and bitter towards him, but Tyler took her aside for a moment and then suddenly she was rainbows and roses. No doubt he had told her he was suicidal. Mr Joseph was also not the most welcoming of people but he seemed nice, and Josh guessed it was more a man thing than a personal thing. As for the kids, Zack Maddy and Jay, they were quick to adopt Josh as a brother figure.

Zack was cool, they didn't have time to talk for long because he was going out with friends, but during the short conversation they had he seemed like a popular kid who wasn't too big for his boots. Reminded him of his own brother.

Maddy was Tyler's only sister and had been as shy as Josh was about meeting a new person. She was an 11 year old girl and surprisingly similar to what Abigail had been like before Mother stomped it out of her. A lot of giggling but also a lot of fun once she got comfortable around Josh.

Jay however had no such confidence issue and hugged Josh as soon as they were introduced, instantly fascinated by his red hair and "big action hero superman" muscles. He was a bundle of energy and excitement and Mrs Joseph literally had to drag him off Josh when it was time for the 7 year old's bedtime.

And once they ate a family meal together, basic pasta that was full of carbs that Josh was too awkward to leave, the kids went to bed and Tyler showed Josh up to his room. Then from 8 till midnight they talked. It was weird because they had literally talked nonstop for hours and yet Josh didn't feel like he had come across as vulnerable. He had been honest but Tyler had been asking questions that were personal but not intrusive, and Josh liked that.

Some of the things asked made Josh realise how truly weird he was, but Tyler was always quick to counter that with some version of "it makes you who you are, we're all different" and it was cheesy but surprisingly reassuring. There were so many things he'd never done, never gone to the movies, never kissed anyone, never had a Pop-Tart. Never been camping, never played video games, never slam dunked. On the flip side there were things Josh took for granted that Tyler had never done. He'd never been abroad, never gone to the opera, never danced at a ball. He'd never worn a tux, never eaten in a restaurant that wasn't a chain, never met anyone who could be considered famous or a celebrity.

It was strange to meet someone so completely opposite in so many ways, and yet so easy to get along with. It was strange to have a friend. They had cried at first but then they had laughed and smiled and made plans for Tyler to feed Josh his first corn dog and take him on a tour of the "dump end of Columbus" and it made him feel special. Tyler had made him feel special, and so as Josh watched his new friend quietly snore in his sleep, he wandered how on Earth another human being could do what was done to him.

Josh didn't want to get upset again, didn't want his happy thoughts of the previous night to be tainted by tears, so instead he rolled over and looked at Tyler's wall.

Pictures were placed at regular intervals, blue tacked to the white paint in a manner that would give his mother a heart attack, but Josh liked it. He could recognise most of the smiling faces, family, Jenna, Brad and Mark, the occasional strangers who Josh guessed were more friends, and then a blank space. There were the small signature dots where 4 blue tack pieces had once held up a picture, and again his heart sunk a little, automatically assuming it had been a picture of Michael.

Moving on once more, the wall directly opposite him had a closet and a desk, and above the desk was a large diagram that Josh had had many attempts at trying to understand. It seemed to be several pages stuck together with weird coloured tape, then 6 big circles filled with words and joined by dozens of line to others. 1 of the big circles was blue whereas the others were black, and the lines were all sorts of colours. Of course he couldn't read any of the words, but that only intrigued him further.

"Babe, can you please turn down the brightness of your skin," Tyler mumbled in his sleep whilst rolling, and Josh had to stifle a laugh.  
"I'll try to, shhh, sleep Ty, sleep," he managed to hush without disturbing him.

He had no idea what time it was, but his body clock was usually set for a 5am start so he could get in a quick practice plus shower in before breakfast. But no, it had been almost 48 hours since he'd last held a bat in his hand and it felt simultaneously wrong and amazing. He always had a bat, he was always practicing, and yet he was always miserable. Whether there was a link wasn't certain, all that was certain was Josh was in no rush to go back to the sport or to go home.

Home was a weird concept. He had a house, a very large, excessively large, house that he'd lived in for just shy of two weeks, however it wasn't a home. That lack of emotional connection to the building wasn't due to time, he'd never truly felt at home in any of their several mansions. It was about the people and the environment they created, and it simply wasn't one he felt comfortable in. But right now, in this boy's house that he only just met, he felt calm and comfortable and accepted.

"Morning," Tyler yawned, and Josh turned to see him sitting up on his smaller bed and rubbing his eye tiredly.  
"Morning."  
"You been up long?"  
"Nah," Josh lied.   
"Did you sleep well?"  
"Yeah really well thanks, I'm just used to getting up early."  
"For baseball?"  
"Yeah." He nodded as the younger got comfy in his sitting position. "How did you sleep?"  
"Like a log." Tyler grinned with crooked teeth.

"Could you do me a favour and pass me my phone?"  
"Umm, yep," Josh reached across the bedside table and unplugged the device from where it had been charging, then gave it to him.  
"Thanks. Oh, 4 missed calls from Jen, mind if I call her back?"  
"Yeh no problem, um, want me to go somewhere for privacy?"  
"Thanks for offering but it's okay, doubt we'll get too dirty this early in the morning." He smiled and Josh laughed as he dialled his girlfriend's number and held it to his ear.

"Morning babe, yeah it's Ty. Yeah really good thanks, no no I'm okay, everyone's okay. She's no trouble, honest, she's still silent but we think we're getting there. Thanks beautiful. Yeah I had a really good night actually, Josh stayed over. Josh, you know Josh, the new guy, yeah that's the one. We bumped into each other in town and I invited him round and yeah, we had a really nice time, well I did at least." Tyler told his girlfriend and flashed a smirk at Josh.

"Nah I don't think I'm going in today, I only have classes in the morning and honestly I can't be bothered. Aww I miss you too baby, but we can meet up later if you want? Yeah we've got family therapy but I can make time after. No no it's okay, I'm calm, I'm not gonna get worked up I promise. Jenna I'm okay. Well if you don't wanna risk it then we can just have a cosy night in at mine? Yeah that sounds nice. Alright well Josh is still here so I'm gonna go talk to him but I'll see you later? Love you too gorgeous. Have a good day, bye, bye, I am looking after myself Jen, yeh, I will, bye, bye."

"Everything okay?"  
"Yeah, she's just checking in." Tyler nodded. "I usually call her every night and I forgot since we were talking, so she wanted to make sure nothing had happened."  
"She's a good girlfriend."  
"She's an amazing girl and an even better girlfriend. Honestly don't know what I would have done without her support."  
"I'm glad you have her."

"Thank you man, right, how does some breakfast sound?"  
"Perfect." Josh smiled at his friend. "Dress code?"  
"PJ party all the way."  
"Awesome, thank you."  
"I don't know who will be around, but I'll make us something."  
"Okay great," he said, climbing off the host's bed and following him out of his bedroom. He was wearing a spare pair of Tyler's pyjamas and, other than the shirt being a bit tight around his shoulders and arms, they were very comfortable. Tyler explained how he always kept all his old clothes and they became pyjamas once they were done with wearing outside, and Josh wasn't sure whether it was a money saving idea or not, all he knew was that it was a good idea.

"Morning guys," Mr Joseph welcomed them as the entered the kitchen, reading a newspaper at the table.  
"Morning Dad,"  
"Good morning Mr Joseph."  
"Ty you're late for meds, Mom left them on the counter. Remember to take an extra one,"  
"Yep, thanks Dad." Tyler smiled as he began taking different sized and coloured pills out of the 5 bottles Josh had seen him purchase the day before. He still wasn't sure exactly what they were for, but stood back and gave him space to gulp them down with a glass of water.

"Tyler are you gonna offer your guest a drink too?"  
"Oh, yeh, sorry Josh, do you want something to drink?"  
"Yeh, a water would be nice thanks,"  
"Coming right up." Tyler nodded then grabbed another glass and began filling it.

"Josh do you need a ride to school today? I don't think Ty's going in-"  
"Nope." His son chimed in.  
"However Zack's a sophomore at Liberty and I'm gonna drive him in in a minute and you're more than free to tag along with us." Mr Joseph offered.   
"Uh, thank you sir, but no thank you,"   
"He's suspended Dad." Tyler so helpfully outed him and Josh was half expected to get shouted at.  
"Suspended hey? Aren't you new?"  
"Yes sir."  
"Dad he beat Ryan up, broke his nose and his cheekbone."   
"Ryan as in his brother Ryan?"  
"Yes sir."  
"Wow, suddenly I like you even more." Mr Joseph laughed and Josh felt a weight being lifted. He wasn't mad, wasn't angry, Josh wasn't going to be in trouble.   
"Thank you sir."  
"Enough of this sir business, call me Chris."  
"Okay Chris." Josh nodded, feeling rude in spite of having permission.

"Josh what's your opinion on cinnamon toast crunch?" Tyler asked from the cupboard.  
"Never had it."  
"You've never had it?! Dude you haven't lived, you're about to lose your crazy square virginity." He decided, pouring the cereal into two bowls then walking to the fridge to add milk to them. Josh tried his best not to steal a glance at the sugar content written on the box or see the full fat milk cap on the bottle, he was at his first sleepover, it was fine, it was a treat, it was like a long over due cheat day.

"Sorry about this Josh but just wanna speak to my kid quickly, Ty, you wanna go next door for some privacy?"  
"Depends what it's about,"  
"Willow."  
"Yeah let's go next door, sorry Josh,"  
"It's okay, take your time." Josh told the father and son as they went into another room and left him to sit at the table with a glass of water and a bowl of cereal. Thankfully there was a whole heap of cutlery in the middle and it only took a second to route around and dig out a spoon to begin eating with.

The bites were overly sweet and yet flavourful, and Josh didn't have the urge to stop eating. Instead he sat and took slow savouring mouthfuls whilst absorbing his surroundings. The kitchen was small, there was no denying it, and yet it was filled with memories. He noted the pencil marks for the kids' heights on the door frame, and the pictures stuck up on the fridge. There were mix match containers on the shelf filled to the brim with tea bags and instant coffee granules and sugar, and they had obviously been hand painted by the children. A "world's best Mommy" apron hung on the back of the door and he'd spotted at least half a dozen "world's best Dad" mugs in the room.

It was small, but what did that matter? Josh loved this room with its quirky 60s furnishings and its uneven floor and its undeniable sense of family. Something his home significantly lacked.

"Sorry about that, Ty's coming, he just needs a minute."  
"No problem." Josh said as Chris came back in and sat at the table to read his newspaper again.

"Josh,"  
"Yes sir?"  
"You will look after him, won't you?"  
"Of course I will."  
"He's fragile."  
"Don't worry, I won't let him get hurt again."  
"Thank you son." Chris said with such fondness and care that Josh didn't have to force the smile that crept up his cheeks.

 

 

Josh had never ridden on pegs before so they practiced on the street beforehand and Tyler couldn't remember the last time they'd laughed this hard. They were cycling their much loved bike slowly and yet still Josh hung on for dear life and screamed at the slightest inkling of a corner, so in the end they put him out of his misery and stood on the pegs whilst Josh cycled the way to his house.

They'd learnt a lot about Josh over the past day, and one of the many things they now knew was that he was terrible at directions and didn't have a clue where he lived. However Tyler used sneaky detective skills to guess he lived at the rich end of town, so pointed the way until it finally clicked and Josh was able to cycle the rest without guidance.

Tyler got the impression that Josh didn't cycle much, but judging by the occasional laughs of delight he was having a good time, and Tyler was more than happy to hold onto his ridiculously built shoulders and feel the wind through their hair whilst putting in minimal effort.

Finally they went up a road that turned out to be a private driveway and stopped at a gate. Josh waved at a man sat in the window of the house accompanying the entrance, and Tyler was shocked to learn that that wasn't Josh's house, no, once the gate slid open and they went through, a gigantic castle like property lay head of them that dwarfed the tiny gatehouse. They couldn't hold in a gasp as they took in the never ending front of Josh's home with beautiful statues and intricate carvings and the grandest door they'd ever seen.

"Here we have it, home."  
"Jeeesus,"  
"Just a tad excessive." Josh laughed as they got off the bike. "The whole site is gated and there's security, so your bike is safe to leave here if you're comfortable with that."  
"Yeah course." They nodded, then followed their red haired friend up the marble steps and through the towering door that wasn't locked. Instantly Tyler felt like an ant, this gigantic room was just a hallway that Josh was already strolling across like it was nothing, and suddenly they rushed to keep up with the realisation that they might actually get lost in this house.  
  
"Oh hello Mr Joshua, hello sir," a woman welcomed them as they went into the huge kitchen.   
"Penny, is Joel in today?"   
"No Mr Joshua, he has a meeting in Cleveland to attend so I'm filling in. Can I do anything for you?"  
"When's he back?" Josh asked whilst Tyler was absorbing the fact that this guy had staff, like, actual staff who worked for him.

"He's coming back tomorrow morning to collect his belongings and his final pay cheque, but he won't be working."  
"It's his last day?"   
"Essentially yes Mr Joshua."  
"Oh," Josh seemed disappointed.

"Should I inform your father that you're home?"  
"He's here?"  
"Yes Mr Joshua, in his office."  
"Eugh great, no, no don't tell him I'm back, honestly can't be dealing with him at the moment."  
"Is there anything I can do?"  
"No. Wait, Ty, you want anything to eat or drink?"  
"I'd quite like a drink actually please."   
"Have we got Red Bull Penny?"   
"Joel told me you weren't to have any energy drinks on your meal plan so I didn't purchase any, I'm so sorry Mr Joshua, would you like me to go to the store?"  
"Ty?" Josh turned over his shoulder to look at them and Tyler realised that this woman was offering to go and buy them Red Bull specially.

"No, it's okay, water's fine thank you."  
"I have Veen and Voss, which would you prefer sir?" Penny asked them and they had no clue what the difference was.  
"We'll take a bottle of Veen each please," Josh swooped in and the woman took out two refrigerated bottles for them, passing them across to Josh.  
"Anything else I can do for you sirs?"  
"No thanks Penny, and remember, don't let my father know I'm home."  
"Okay Mr Joshua." She said, then Josh walked away and Tyler went with him, still slightly in shock.

"Sorry about her,"  
"Sorry? What do you mean?" Tyler asked as they began climbing a beautiful sweeping staircase with an intricate gold bannister that was too far away to reach.   
"She's new, she doesn't know to call me Josh and yeah, I feel super embarrassed."  
"Dude don't, this is awesome."  
"I feel like such a pompous douchebag."  
"Well you're not." They said with a smile. "You got lucky in the money department, so what? I didn't get lucky, so what? You don't think any differently of me because of it, why would I think any differently of you?"  
"Why do you always know what to say?" Josh smiled at his feet and Tyler felt proud to be able to soothe his anxiety so quickly. Neither of them said anything else as Josh lead the way down halls past beautiful paintings and statues and rooms until eventually they reached a door.

"So this one's mine." He explained as he opened it, and Tyler was 100% that his apartment sized bedroom complex was bigger than all of their siblings' rooms combined. There was a main bedroom with masses of open space, then a walk in wardrobe, another open plan room with a desk and a huge television and couches, then a massive bathroom like something from a hotel.

All of the apartment was decorated almost entirely with baseball related things. There were two giant trophy cases filled with plaques and cups and plates, everything sparkling and glinting in the morning sun. A massive poster, maybe 3 metres long and two metres high, lined one wall and had a photo of Josh in the middle of a baseball team holding a cup, and beneath him it said "Ohio State Champions 2016".

Other walls had other photos of Josh meeting baseball players that Tyler vaguely recognised from their dad's TV, and there were several signatures on game bats and balls. A huge Cleveland Indians posted was on a different wall, again signed, and had a personalised message for Josh on it. Of course Tyler knew that was sort of pointless because their friend couldn't read, but nevertheless it was impressive.

"So you like baseball hey?"  
"Not really." Josh laughed. "Nah I'm kidding, it's my life."  
"I've seen our school team play, sorry but you're not gonna make state champions this year,"  
"S'alright, once is enough. It's honestly not all that."  
"Easy for you to say," Tyler laughed as they sat down on an incredibly comfortable couch.

"Go on, your turn."  
"That time already?"  
"Yeah, I want to know." Tyler said, knowing Josh was feeling nervous about explaining why exactly Tyler had two boxes of his paracetamol flushed down their toilet. They understood why he was nervous, but it needed to be done for Josh's sake rather than Tyler's.

"Well I guess it starts with baseball?"  
"Start wherever, I'm not in a rush Josh. Even if you don't think it's directly related, I'm still intrigued and want to get to know you better."   
"My father played baseball when he was my age, and he was really good. He was state champion twice, there's all sorts of news articles written about him and everything, we've got a big file of them all downstairs. And then when he went to college, he stopped playing. He had the ability and the skill to take it pro, but he decided not to. I asked him why he gave it all up, and he told me that it wasn't in his heart. He knew himself, he knew he wanted to make money not play baseball, and he didn't want to go into a career that wasn't who he was."  
"Yeah," Tyler nodded, taking a sip of their fancy water.

"In the end he became a stockbroker on Wall Street, obviously a pretty good one, and that's how we ended up with this lifestyle. He gave it all up when Mother got pregnant with me, left New York and settled down in Ohio. And now he does investing and sponsoring and things like that, and that includes working closely with the Indians baseball team, owns significant shares. He's on first name basis with their owner."  
"Wow okay."

"So baseball is in my blood I guess? But my father never forced me into it. When I was little we used to play catch in the garden and he'd sit me on his lap and we'd watch games on the TV and things like that, and I was really into it. It was fun and it was something I could do to be like my father because he was my hero, and I used to love looking at all the old pictures of him playing. He asked me if I wanted to have a go and I said yes immediately, and I started playing little league when I was 4."  
"Bless,"  
"Little league was awesome, I absolutely loved it. It was just something I used to do with my father and it was before we started reading in kindergarten so nobody knew there was anything wrong, and it was just fun?"  
"Yeah I understand."

"I had a little sister, Ashley, and Mother would play with her and I would play with Father and then we'd all play together too. It was a really really happy time of my life."  
"Yeah,"   
"And when I 6, that was when things started changing. I still adored little league and played it every week, but that was when everyone in my class at school started moving up to reading books and I was still stuck on phonics. Meanwhile back at home I had little brother, Jordan, and he was born prematurely. He was two months early and he was doing remarkably well considering, but he was still really sick and in intensive care, so that was where my parents were too. We had a nanny at the time who took care of Ashley and me and she did a good job, but she couldn't take the position of my parents, you know?"  
"Yeah course."

"So I played little league and I was struggling with school work and that was basically all I did for about 6 weeks. Eventually Jordan was strong enough to get discharged and he came home, and we got to meet him at last. Mother and Father were understandably really protective of him because he was absolutely tiny, and so they were careful over how much we were allowed to touch him or even be in the same room as him."  
"Right,"  
"Then one day, maybe 2 weeks after he came home, his heart stopped."  
"Oh God, right okay."  
"My father had to give him mouth to mouth and CPR and thankfully he started breathing by himself after about 5 minutes, so they took him straight back to hospital and he was admitted to intensive care again. He was there for another month, and so the nanny had to care for us again for a month. But eventually they found a problem with his heart and Jordan had surgery and he recovered really well and they let him come home again."  
"Yeah,"  
"But now my parents were even more protective. Mother never wanted to be left alone with Jord in case it happened again and so Father stayed with them all the time, and we weren't allowed to come close. Basically they became a unit of 3 and I became more used to the nanny than my parents."  
"Right." Tyler listened closely, genuinely interested in what his friend was saying to his feet. Eye contact wasn't his speciality.

"Is he okay now? Jordan."  
"He had a heart attack when he was 11 which was scary for everyone but he recovered quickly. He still gets, um, palpitations sometimes? And he has to take things easy, can't have too much of a strain. Plus he's really susceptible to getting sick and that sort of thing. But honestly it doesn't impact him or us much at all, he still plays football even though he probably shouldn't and he still lives the way he wants to." Josh answered.  
"Yeah, that's good. Sorry, continue with what you were saying."

"Throughout all of this, I was still struggling with reading. I just couldn't do it, the letters wouldn't stay still and I didn't understand how bouncing symbols could become sounds and then words. All my friends were beginning to read instructions for other subjects independently and I still had to get the teacher to explain everything to me, and it was really lonely."  
"Yeah,"  
"They were kids, they didn't have a filter and they were quite happy to point out the fact that I wasn't developing as fast as them. I would cry about it and I thought I was the most stupid kid in the world, and it made me not want to go to school or even leave the house."  
"Mmm,"

"When I was 8, Ashley could read better than I could and I was making up these stomach aches to avoid school, and in the end my teacher called a meeting with my parents. They came along and had it explained to them for the first time since neither of them paid a great interest in my school life by that point, and they were really worried about me. Initially I was taken to see paediatricians over my stomach but eventually the doctor worked out it was anxiety based, and so instead I was sent to a learning centre for an assessment."  
"Okay,"  
"I was happy that I was speaking to specialists who understood what I meant when I said the letters bounced, but I didn't like being the weird kid if that makes sense?"  
"Yeah totally."  
"They diagnosed me with dyslexia and gave me different things to try in class, so I had a coloured sheet to put on top of my work to try and help, and I had special lined paper to write on and special pencil grips and specially printed sheets with special fonts and all sorts. It didn't make me feel special, it made me feel like an idiot."  
"Yeah,"  
"And the other kids could see, the other kids would make comments and laugh and call me names."  
"I'm sorry Josh."

"None of it worked and so my parents took me to new specialists over and over, and I even went to a summer program when I was 9 at Yale."  
"Oh wow, okay."  
"Honestly it was just draining. Over and over again, trying different techniques and tools and still not getting any results. There were all of these meetings I would sit in on when the professionals would tell my parents that for some reason it wasn't working and they would suggest going somewhere new, and I was sick of getting palmed off all the time and working so hard and not getting anywhere. The only thing getting me through it was knowing at the end of the week I had a little league game."  
"Yeah."

"Jordan was 2 almost 3 and he was walking and developing normally so things were settling down with my parents again, and Father started taking me to my games and watching them, and I loved making him proud. He always sat on the same spot on the bench every week and knowing he was watching, it made me try so much harder."  
"Yeah,"  
"And I was good at it, really really good. I couldn't do anything at school, all my school friends were mean, but my baseball friends were genuinely good friends and I can't explain how much I adored those mornings together."   
"Yeah, it's important to have something like that in your life."  
"Exactly." Josh agreed, taking a quick break and sipping his posh fancy water from its brand bottle.

"Then I came to my last few weeks of elementary school, and terrified doesn't even begin to explain what I felt about going to middle school. I was at a private elementary school which fed onto a private middle school, but it was a lot bigger so there was going to be loads of new kids too and I was petrified about getting bullied more."  
"Yeah course."  
"One day on the drive back from little league I told my father that, I just burst into tears and told him I hated school and I didn't want to do it anymore and I wanted to be home schooled. He gave me this amazing pep talk about how proud he was of me in my baseball game and how middle school would have a baseball team that I could join and make friends in school with. He told me that dyslexia wasn't going to be a problem for much longer and I was doing so well and he was confident I'd get better soon, and I believed him."  
"Yeah,"

"So I was nervous but I was excited to play baseball with a new team, and knowing I had my father's backing was amazingly empowering. Then, bombshell, we find out my mother is pregnant again."  
"Right,"  
"Obviously the memory of what happened with Jordan was still on the forefront of both of their minds, and they were completely paranoid and hyper vigilant about keeping my mother and the baby safe. My mother started doing about 5 hours yoga every single day and they went for scans all the time and paid for the best midwives and specialists to keep an eye on her, and basically all attention was taken off me and my new school."  
"Yeah,"  
"And that must sound so selfish-"  
"No Josh, just no, don't go there. It doesn't sound selfish." Tyler butted in.

"I started middle school and I hated it, I hated it so much. The kids were bigger and meaner and things started getting physical, I got pushed and barged and tripped. The teachers didn't understand why an 11 year old couldn't read and I was expected to complete classwork that I didn't even understand. It was horrible, I loathed being there and there were none of these much promised friends."  
"Yeah,"  
"Abigail, my youngest sister, was born without complications but my parents did the same exclusive protective parenting style with her just in case, so I had nobody to turn to about how much I hated school. All I had was baseball."   
"Right, well I'm pleased about Abigail at least."  
"Yeah, me too, just not at the time particularly."  
"Understandable."

"When I finished 6th grade I was convinced I was an idiot who would be hated forever, and I was so relieved when it was finally summer and I didn't have to go to school and be with those horrible boys and the horrible teachers and the horrible bouncing letters."  
"Yeah,"  
"And that was when Father remembered our little chat a year prior, and asked me whether school had gone well. Again I collapsed into tears and begged him to get me a homeschool tutor or anything because I hated it there. He told me he'd discuss it with my mother, then the next day he came into my room with tickets to an Indians game."

"Were you still playing little league at that point?" Tyler asked.  
"I was playing in the junior league division but yeah, and it was still the only thing I was good at and the only thing I enjoyed."  
"Yeah,"

"Because of Father's business links to the club, he had a premium suite at the Progressive Stadium every season. Usually he went to each game with friends, but that week he took me to my first game and I simply fell in love. I watched in delight as these players hit balls faster than I thought possible and they flew through the air and everyone could catch and sprint and throw and hit and it was fascinating and I couldn't look away. All his friends were impressed by how well I could stay concentrated on the game and not get bored, and so that became our 'thing' I suppose."  
"You and your dad? Your father?" Tyler said, then corrected themselves with the name that Josh called his parent.  
"Yeah. It was basically the way Father persuaded me to stay in school and keep going to dyslexia tutoring, and I put up with it because I knew I'd get the reward of getting to go and watch the games with him."  
"Yeah, that's nice."

"It went on like that for a while, and I got better at baseball myself because I was so inspired by the pros. And I was at a game with Father and his friends, I think I was 13, and I told my father that I wanted to be a baseball player when I grew up. It wasn't just some flippant comment, it was me realising my future and my passion, and my Father heard that. He's a big believer in the fact you'll work harder for something that you actually want, hence why he quit baseball for stockbroking, and he took me seriously. He asked me if I meant it, if I was willing to put my all into it, whether I was going to get up early and stay up late, was prepared to make sacrifices and difficult choices. He said that if I was, if I genuinely was, then he could make me a pro baseball player, and I said yes."  
"Wow,"

"Fast forward through middle school, I hated every minute, I was treated like crap, I never learnt how to read but I was fairly okay because my father looked after me outside of school. He came up with this plan on how to get me from point A to point B and I happily abided because he was making my dreams come true. Baseball became my number 1 priority and I trained everyday after school, and then that progressed to longer and longer sessions, then before school too. School became less of this draining hell I had to endure and more of a break between baseball training."  
"Yeah,"  
"I never complained about the early starts because I had signed myself up for them, and I loved being able to see my improvements from week to week. I had never experienced that before, I'd never made any improvements in school, so it was new and exciting and I loved it."  
"I'm pleased."

"I loved the sport, but I also loved being able to spend so much time with my father. Up until then he was focused on work or protecting Jordan and then Abigail and this was the first time since I was 6 that I felt like we had a proper healthy relationship."  
"Yeah,"  
"I made the school team in no time and then I made captain and lead them to be district champions. It was amazing to actually achieve something after so many years of school being a place where I was a failure."  
"Right,"

"I moved up to high school and, unlike when I moved to middle school, I wasn't afraid. I had something to be proud of, I had a skill and a reason to be confident, a reason to hold my head high."  
"Good,"  
"The school took me out of classes, stopped embarrassing me in mainstream lessons and put me in tutoring. I think I spoke to you about my tutor before and he was God awful and it was no better than normal classes but at least that way none of the other kids new the extent of my learning disability. The bullying stopped just like that, and I trialled for the school baseball team and made it straight away. And the baseball program at Weston was good, reaaallly good. It was the school my father had attended and I was following in his footsteps and he was so so proud of me."  
"Yeah,"

"Things weren't easy all the time, I won't pretend they were. Father stuck to his promise and he worked me hard, and sometimes my muscles would be aching and I'd be exhausted and want nothing more than to stay in bed, but that spark of desire to improve kept me motivated. Father also called in coaches, high calibre professional coaches, and they were equally as hard on me but I thrived under that pressure."  
"Right,"  
"The hardest bit for me at that time, so freshman year, was the isolation. I spent all day with my tutor and then every morning and evening either with my father or one of my 3 coaches. I trained with the school team but I wasn't varsity, and they only met 2 times a week plus games and the training was too much of a workout for much talking or bonding."  
"Yeah,"

"And then we got a new chef. His name was Joel, he's 5 years older than me but honestly we got on like a house on fire. In front of my parents he was very much respectful, but when they were gone he acted like my best friend. We'd laugh and laugh over the stupidest of stuff, and I can't explain how much I needed that little break for fun."  
"Yeah no I understand,"  
"I was happy when I played baseball. Lessons and lunch were hard because I couldn't do it, I couldn't do reading or learning and I couldn't do socialising and friendships, but I could do baseball and therefore that's what I did. I threw myself into baseball more and more."  
"Right,"

"Sophomore year was when I really started to bulk out. Puberty no doubt, plus I started incorporating weights into my workouts and thinking about what I was eating. And only a couple of weeks into sophomore year, I got picked for varsity."  
"Congratulations,"  
"Thank you," Josh smiled. "Varsity was insane because Weston had links with the Indians and basically it was one of the first schools that scouts would come and look at for feeder programs, so they had an insane work ethic. Do you know what D1 baseball is?"  
"No," Tyler shook their head.  
"So it stands for division 1 and it's collegiate level baseball, and basically every high school baseball player who wants to go pro thinks they're good enough for D1 but the majority aren't. As Weston, they trained you at that extremely high level and if you cracked then that meant pro baseball wasn't for you and you still had time to change your priorities. Well I wasn't going to be put off, so I embraced this ridiculous training program and it became part of my life."

"What did it entail?"  
"If I'm honest Ty, wasn't that different." Josh admitted. "5.30 starts, except I had to be at school rather than out the backyard. Afternoon training from 2 till 6, which I loved because I got to skip dyslexia tutoring, then 6 hours on Saturday and Sunday."  
"Right,"  
"All the boys on the team were bitching and whinging whereas my father was still getting me to train after dinner on top of that. And I think because of that extra push I had that extra edge, and that's why I excelled. I was consistently ranking highly and performing well in games, and I got a bit of a reputation."  
"Yeah," Tyler smiled at him proudly.

"Junior year was crazy. I was at the top of my game and still climbing, and the coach made me captain of varsity."  
"Junior captain?"  
"Nope, proper full captain of the whole team, including the seniors."  
"Wow okay."   
"As you can probably imagine, that went down really well with all the seniors who had been training like D1 for the past few years, getting bossed about by a junior who nobody really knew. They all tattletaled to Mommy and Daddy and I started getting personally targeted, "why is this boy with shocking grades leading the team" "why is a kid who can't read being trusted" blah blah blah, and it was horrible."  
"Yeah I can imagine so." Tyler agreed concerned.

"Coach called my father in for a meeting to discuss it, saying perhaps for the sake of fairness I should be held to the same standards and need a good GPA and enough credit to represent the school team. Obviously I was never going to achieve that, so basically the coach was suggesting I should be kicked off. My father started name dropping, showing off the influence he had over the Indians, and eventually after a $100k donation to the baseball team I was allowed to continue to play."  
"How much?!"  
"Yep, that's the sort of bribe you have to make at Weston to create waves."  
"Jesus."  
"So yeah, I was captain and half the team bloody hated me for it but Father told me how much he had invested and I couldn't waste this opportunity. And I didn't, I trained hard, I ignored the comments, I showed them I was worth the captaincy with points not dollars."  
"Yeah,"

"Knowing they loathed me made it difficult to work as a team and there were so many occasions where I was tempted to go for personal glory rather than the good of the group. It was such an internal battle, but I spent a lot of time talking to Joel-"  
"The chef?"  
"Yeah, and he gave the best advice and honestly reminded me why I was playing baseball. It wasn't so these guys liked me, it was because this was a stepping stone to going pro. I had to make a success of this so that I could use it to my advantage when I was trying to get the attention of scouts later on. And that inspired me to work together with these people, and we did, we worked really well together."  
"State champions."  
"State champions." Josh confirmed.

"But you said it wasn't all that?" Tyler asked.   
"I don't know what it was, but lifting that trophy, it did something to me."  
"Right,"  
"I'm not sure whether I was plagued by all the drama that had happened or whether it was going back to the lack of confidence over my dyslexia or what, but I just had this thought. Do I deserve this?"  
"Yeah,"

"Junior year ended and I spent this summer training with Father and the coaches he found for me, and I also went to an Indians training camp. It should have been my high point you know? Getting recognised and invited by a MLB team and revelling in the fact I was captain of the state champions. But it wasn't, I became my own worst enemy."  
"How so?"  
"I just constantly felt I had to prove myself. To whom? I don't know. Maybe my father, maybe my coaches, maybe myself. There were just these voices in my head saying that I didn't deserve the success and I wasn't good enough for all of this and I never would be and I was an idiot for thinking I could ever go pro."  
"Right."

"It went on and on, this lack of confidence. You're not good enough, you're not good enough, you're not good enough."  
"Still now? You still hear it?"  
"Yeh," Josh nodded. "And it makes me upset whenever I'd play, and I play a lot. Every practice is me cussing at myself for the tiniest of errors and being angry that I couldn't hit that harder or throw that faster."  
"Is that why you changed schools? To see if it would help?"  
"Oh shoot, I never even told that story, sorry,"  
"S'okay," Tyler reassured him.

"So when we got back from summer this September, I started hearing rumours. I wasn't in any classes and didn't have any friends so I didn't ever gossip, however I overheard murmurings in the locker room. Basically the gist of it was that the senior leadership of the school were not happy with me and my grades, and were looking for a way to kick me out. They've got an amazing reputation and I was going to ruin their statistics, and those statistics are how they got students and therefore money and everyone knows money makes the world go round."  
"Sure,"  
"They wanted me gone, so in my head I decided I needed to prove that I was an asset to the school, that I was worth keeping. I only had one skill, baseball, and my current performance clearly wasn't enough so I pushed myself further."  
"Further than 5am starts and training before and after dinner every night? Right."  
"Yeh it ended about as well as you're presuming. I stuck to the same hours because there literally no more in the day, however I got rid of any breaks, even for water, and pushed myself further. I made sure I reset any equipment faster and that I did more repetitions in the same amount of time and in the gym I'd do more and more reps with heavier and heavier weights, and I also refined my diet even further. I was basically just living off steamed chicken and water, and then I discovered supplements."  
"Oh God,"

"I couldn't do research into healthy uses of supplements because I can't read, so I basically decided that the more the better. So I'm lifting heavier weights and working so much harder and every move I make I'm just telling myself, this is for your family's place at Weston, this is for your family's place at Weston, if you don't lift this weight then your family are losing their places at Weston. I started having these heart palpitations-"  
"Oh God," Tyler muttered horrified again.  
"I didn't stop, in my mind I couldn't stop, so I kept pushing myself and pushing myself until finally, snap."  
"What happened?"  
"Was in the gym doing deadlifts and suddenly I just dropped down to the ground and had a seizure, a really fucking horrible 3 minute tonic clonic seizure. I was in our private gym with nobody spotting me because I'm an idiot, and nobody noticed until Joel, the chef, walked in and saw me fitting on the ground and called 911."

"Please tell me you stopped after that."  
"I did, I had no choice, I was in the hospital for 3 days and then once I was eventually discharged I was on strict bedrest. With this many family members and staff, there was no way I could have gotten away with getting up, but that didn't mean I didn't try."  
"Jesus."  
"Whilst I was in hospital my parents were called into a meeting at Weston and told that we "weren't a good fit" with Weston and asked to leave. My father kicked up a fuss and basically wouldn't accept it, so they expelled me. And so my mother came to visit me in the hospital, told me once I was strong enough that we would be moving away from the shame."  
"Wait she actually said that?"  
"Yep."  
"Oh God, right,"

"I was sent home on bedrest and because I had basically fucked my electrolytes or something, I had to have a drip in my hand for a week and wasn't allowed to do anything. That meant I literally had to lay in bed and stare at the wall with nothing to think about except the fact that I ruined everyone's lives."  
"Josh it wasn't your fault."  
"Everyone came and told me it was."  
"They did what?!" Tyler exclaimed in horror yet again.   
"All of my siblings came in individually and screamed or shouted or cried that I was taking them away from their friends and their lives and they hated me for it. And I had no choice but to lay there and take it."  
"I can't believe they did that, you did nothing wrong Josh."

"It was Hell. I hated myself, I was responsible for everything and I felt so fucking lazy because it was the longest break I've ever had from baseball and everyone was disappointed in me and blamed me for getting kicked out of Weston. I'd always said that baseball was the only thing I was good at but apparently not good enough to keep my place at school, so how on Earth was I good enough to go pro? I felt useless and pathetic and I really really hated myself."  
"Did you ever self harm Josh?" Tyler asked. "Other than causing your seizure."  
"That wasn't self harm."  
"I think it was, you did that to yourself, forced yourself to the very edge then pushed yourself over. You harmed yourself."   
"Hmm, I've never thought of it like that." Josh shrugged. "But no, I never cut myself or anything."  
"Okay."

"I was eventually given the go ahead by my doctors to get out of bed, but I was on a strict no-exercise rule. My siblings were allowed to attend school until we found a new house and school, however I was not. So I was home all day and after 2 days I couldn't take it anymore and started training again. It was nowhere near as extreme as before the incident, however it's addictive. I tried to be gentle but it's not in my nature, all my life I've been taught the harder you train the better you get, so I couldn't live with my foot half on the throttle. It only took a few days until I was back up to my usual training timetable."  
"Josh," Tyler sighed.

"That was 2 and a half months ago, and we moved here 2 weeks ago. Since then there's been no resolution or apology, at no point has Father come and told me that I did the wrong thing by pushing myself into a seizure and I need to take it easy. My siblings have never apologised and all still look at me with disgust, Mother still sees me as a source of shame. Things haven't got better since then."  
"Yeah,"  
"And this is so stupid but so many little things have happened this past fortnight. I started a new school with no support from home, there's been all this complicated stuff I've been trying to get my head around with regards to whether I'll finally make a friend, there's been a lot more fighting with my parents. They told me to give up on myself, yelled at me and screamed my siblings' grades at me to make me focus on baseball but in reality it made me want to die. I found out that Joel is leaving. Everything with you and Ryan. Getting suspended. Breaking my ribs. Parents want to kick me out. I still can't read. Realising that baseball is never going to happen and I don't have a plan B." Josh sighed sadly. "It's not any one thing in particular, it's just an amalgamation of everything and it got on top of me yesterday and I just wanted it all to stop."  
"Josh,"

"I've been sad for so long and my only coping method has been baseball but now baseball makes me sad too. That's a really stupid reason to kill myself and I know I've just embarrassed myself-"  
"Stop, just stop Josh." They said, reaching across and settling his restless bouncing knee soothingly. "Stop belittling your emotions, stop devaluing them and your experiences. You've been through so much-"  
"But you got-"  
"I know what happened to me, that doesn't mean you're not allowed to hurt too. This stuff, this is complex and I'm so glad you took the time to explain it to me but that doesn't mean it's going to be an easy fix. However that doesn't scare me off, I'm sticking around Josh, I want to help."  
"Why would you want to help me? I'm pathetic." Josh scoffed.  
"I want to help you because you're my friend and I care. Throughout your story you kept mentioning how you've never had a true friend other than Joel before, well I'm here to change that. And if we can change one thing together, we can change it all." Tyler told him, but he didn't reply.

"Look, I want to tell you something about me but now's not the right time. Now is the right time to take you for your first McDonald's and then introduce you to a game called MarioKart 64."


	13. Chapter 13

Saturday was the second consecutive morning that Tyler and the system didn't wake up alone. The previous night they had slept on the ground so that Josh could have their bed, but now Jenna was the one with her head on the pillow beside them. Even with her hair a mess and the smallest smear of spit dried on her cheek, she was the most beautiful woman they had ever met.

After family therapy their girlfriend had come round for dinner and been her usual delightful self. Therapy hadn't gone badly particularly but everyone always left the room a little vulnerable and a little raw, and Jenna did the perfect job of healing them back together as a unit again.

The same could be said for Tyler's system. Whenever there was tension or upset or discontent between the alters, she did an amazing job of pulling them back together again and reminding them that the true goal was to work as a team to keep Tyler safe.

"Ty," she murmured quietly, eyes still closed.  
"Yeh princess?"  
"Lay w'me,"  
"Course sweetheart," they whispered back in a deep early morning voice, repositioning from where they were sat and instead cuddling up beside her once again. Their noses were only inches apart and yet Jenna didn't open her eyes, instead reached out with a clumsy hand and rested it on their neck fondly, stroking their jaw with her thumb a little.

"L'you,"  
"We love you too Jen," they laughed at her exhausted grumblings.

Jenna was many things but a morning person was not one of them. It was a miracle she made it into school on time each morning. However it was just another little detail that went into making up who she was, and who it was that they do adored.

It was rare to find a person that each alter liked, or could tolerate in Blurry's case. Jenna was definitely their favourite, then their mom, probably Mark then Brad next, and then Tyler's mind jumped to Josh. They'd only just met the guy basically and already everyone was a big fan. The weirdest connection, or the standout perhaps, was Willow.

Willow still hadn't said a word, and yet Tyler could sense the strange feelings humming inside of her whenever they were in the red haired boy's company. She liked him. When he was around she felt safe and brave, and that feeling was addictive. It made Tyler want to spend more and more time with Josh, for her sake but also for his. He liked him too, and he felt a pang of sadness when he thought of everything Josh had shared with him but also a protectiveness and urge to help however they could. Some things couldn't be helped, the past, the dyslexia, but perhaps they could help with the loneliness.

"Y'thinking too loud."  
"I'm what?" Tyler laughed.  
"Your brain, I can hear it, it's whirring."  
"Haha sorry darling,"  
"W'ya thinkin bout?" She asked, rolling over with a cute sigh.  
"Willow."  
"Oh did she say something?" Jenna suddenly perked up a little.  
"Nope, just that stuff we were telling you about last night."  
"How she's stronger with Josh?"  
"Yeh,"  
"Hmm, maybe just spend more time with him and see what happens." She yawned.  
"Wish she'd just talk to us, dunno, we'll see." They yawned too.

"You gonna tell Josh about the others today?"  
"If the time's right."  
"Alright darling, well don't be scared okay? No matter what happens, you've all got me. I'm sure he'll be absolutely supportive because he seems like a really nice guy, but if for some reason things don't go down well then there's no need to be upset. You don't need friends who don't love you all for who you are, and you're better off without him. Either way, none of you are alone and I'm only ever a phone call away."  
"Thank you beautiful."

"And anyway I'm sure he'll be jumping for joy, 7 friends for the price of 1." She smiled playfully.   
"Only catch being 1 of them will definitely try to kill him and the entirety of the human race."  
"Pfff, only minor."  
"I mean in my humble opinion, it's still a good deal."  
"Amen." Jenna laughed then pecked the on the lips quickly.

"Y'know next week is exactly a year since Blurry last fronted."  
"A year? Wow, time flies,"  
"Sure does." Tyler smiled at their stunning girlfriend.  
"How's he doing in there? Being a troublemaker?"  
"He's calmer, a lot calmer, now he's just like a bitter old man who sits in his corner and makes the kids cry by looking at them and yelling about how change is the end of the world."  
"Oh yeah I know the type." She laughed as cuddled herself into their side.

"But I'm glad he's calmer sweetheart, I'm really proud of all of you pulling together to kick him out."  
"Thank you. He's still a dumbass who likes to make meaningless cruel comments for no reason, and loves to upset James, but we can deal with that."  
"You're coping so well with so much babe, I'm so proud of you."  
"Couldn't have done it without you." They said honestly.

"Ty," she hummed against their chest.  
"Yeh?"  
"How long have you been Ty?"  
"Ummmm, dunno,"  
"Please Ty? Think about it." Jenna asked so Tyler took the time to work it out exactly.  
"Almost 3 days? Wednesday we got triggered in the morning at school and we were really really switchy between Ty Andrew and Cassie. Things settled by mid afternoon and I've been in control since then."  
"Wow, I guess she was right,"  
"Huh?"  
"Miss Draper said that Josh might be exactly what you need, and here you are, the most in control you've been in weeks."

 

 

 

Josh was laying in bed staring at the ceiling and praying that none of his family would confront him, just like he'd been doing ever since he'd got back from Tyler's house the previous afternoon. Of course he shouldn't worry, they wouldn't come and check on him, they refused to acknowledge his existence let alone go out of their way to check on his wellbeing.

3pm till 10am was not a long time except for when you couldn't sleep and were alone for the first time since deciding to kill yourself. Those urges were nowhere near as strong anymore, entirely thanks to Tyler, and yet Josh didn't quite trust himself to be alone right now.

Tyler was amazing, there was no doubt about it, but he was only human. As much as he could distract him and make him laugh and listen to him talk, he couldn't solve the problems that had put Josh in this situation in the first place.

Nothing had changed, not really.

Suddenly a knock on the door scared Josh half to death and he had to rapidly blink away tears as the door opened ever so slightly, still not enough for him to be able to see who was there.  
"Josh?" A voice called and he instantly recognised it as Joel. "Can I come in?"  
"Yeh," Josh called back croakily, sleep deprivation mixing with thirst.

"Hey stranger, Ashley told me I'd find you sulking in here." Joel smiled as he walked in, bag over his shoulder which he put on the floor to sit on the end of Josh's bed.  
"Ashley can go fuck herself."  
"So you're in a good mood then." Joel laughed.

"What do you want Joel." Josh sighed, hiding his upset with bitterness.  
"S'my last day, I'm heading off after this for a week in LA with Emma and then my new contract starts."  
"So?"  
"So I'm here to say goodbye."  
"Goodbye. Close the door after you."  
"Josh."  
"I said goodbye." He repeated stubbornly, turning away from the chef.  
"Wow, okay, be like that." Joel scoffed, standing back up with his bag and beginning to walk out. "If this is how you want to leave it then fine, I thought we were friends."  
"So did I!" Josh suddenly exclaimed emotionally, tears filling his eyes once again at the thought of this man, this best friend, this brother like figure walking out of the door forever.

"So did I Joel, and you're leaving me." He started crying because he was so tired and so weak and so drained, and this wasn't fair anymore. He was done with feeling like this and the only person who had been by his side through it all was leaving him with such ease.

"Come here," Joel sighed, dumping the bag again and wrapping Josh up in a much needed hug. Josh was half sat and Joel held him up, and usually it would be an uncomfortable position especially with his broken ribs but being in his arms meant that was the least of his worries. The older rubbed his back as he cried and cried, but it wasn't comforting because he knew if he let go then Joel would slip away forever.

"It's 18 months okay? My contract is 18 months."  
"Then, th-then y-you're coming ba-ack?"  
"Then I'll be back in Ohio, maybe working for them in Cleveland, maybe here if a job position opens up, definitely in Ohio somewhere."   
"I'm g-g-oo-na miss-ss y-ouu,"  
"And I'll miss you too, but we're going to keep in touch during that time I promise. FaceTime, calls, postcards, the whole works."  
"P-l-ease do-n't g-go."  
"Josh I need to do this, I need to follow my dream. And you've gotta do the same okay? Yes I'll be back in Ohio in 18 months but that won't matter because you're gonna be outta here, off at college playing D1 baseball and on you're way to the big leagues. Maybe you'll be at Vanderbilt, maybe Virginia, maybe UCLA; wherever you are you're gonna be having the time of your life and not sparing a second for old Joelly here."  
"N-not tr-true!" Josh sobbed.

"Josh I'm just the chef-"  
"You're not! You-you're m-my best frie-end!"  
"And I'm going to miss you dearly but we both knew this was going to happen." Joel said, letting go of him so he could mop up his tears unsuccessfully.  
"I didn't! You just, you j-just spr-u-ung it o-on me, no w-warning!"  
"I'm sorry Josh, I should have told you I was going for an interview, I am sorry."

"I-it's, it's okay." He sighed deeply after a long minute.  
"Is it?"  
"Yeh. Travelling, i-it's what y-you want, right?"  
"Right." Joel nodded, watching him closely.  
"And, a-and you'll be with Emma e-everyday."  
"Yeah, every single day."  
"You'll b-be ha-having f-fun?" Josh hiccuped.  
"So much. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity, travelling the world cooking with my fiancé by my side. It's everything I've ever wanted."  
"Y-yeh,"  
"I'll be okay Josh, you don't need to worry about me. I want you to focus on you okay? Keep up that training, keep focused, keep things in perspective. If I hear that you've made yourself unwell again then I'm not going to be happy, okay? You've got to promise to put your wellbeing first."  
"Yeh," he squeaked.

"I mean that alright? I don't know what's going on with you recently, you've not been yourself. You've lost your spark, there's been all these crying incidents and panicky episodes, and now fighting in school and getting suspended? I'm worried about you Josh."  
"You don't have to be." Josh lied.  
"Just because I'm not here doesn't mean I'm not here for you, okay?"  
"Okay."  
"Call anytime." Joel told him with firm eye contact.  
"I will."  
"Being abroad means time zones are going to make those late night phone calls even easier for me, so please Josh, stay in touch?"  
"Yeh," Josh nodded.

"I got you something, it's hard to know what to get the guy who's got everything, but hopefully you'll appreciate it." Joel said, climbing off the bed and going back to his bag whilst Josh scrubbed at his salty face with bawled up fists. This was not okay but he had to pretend like it was.

"Here you go,"  
"Oh," was all Josh could say as Joel passed across a framed photo of them the day Josh had won the state championship. He was there, sweaty and grinning with a trophy in one hand and the other wrapped around Joel. Joel's grin matched his and Josh could feel the pride beaming from him that stood the test of time. And yet the photo made him sad. It was the last day before the spiral began that had landed him in Maurice's pharmacy recently, it was the last day he had been sure that baseball was his future and something he was actually good at, it was the last day he remembered feeling completely happy with no ifs or buts.

"Oh Josh, come on, enough tears okay bud? It's just a small gesture so you don't forget what my ugly mug looks like."  
"I'd never." Josh shook his head defiantly.  
"I've had the honour and the privilege to watch you grow up these past 3 years, and I'm so proud of everything you've achieved and of the man you've become, and I'm so damn excited to see where this goes next. You're gonna go so far Josh, you were born for this, you've got the work ethic and the passion and the skill to take your baseball someplace big, and that makes me so happy. Whatever's going on with you at the moment, this has got to be the point in the movie about your life where you look yourself in the mirror and remind yourself of everything you've done to get to this point and that you can't throw it all away over high school drama or whatever this is. Refocus, reprioritise, reinvigorate. I know you can do this and so does everyone else, just make sure that you find the balance where you're not gonna started collapsing and fitting again but simultaneously you're not sulking in your bedroom for days on end. Remember what's important Josh,"  
"Baseball."  
"Happiness and wellbeing Josh. That's the most important thing, and yes, I know baseball makes you happy so I suppose that ticks the box." Joel said but again Josh was lost for words.

"Look after yourself kid. Stay in school, stay away from drugs, stay out of hospital."  
"I'll try," he whispered as the chef stood up from the bed.  
"Look at the back of the frame." Joel said so Josh flipped it over to see a pretty accurate sketch of the alien emoji. "That's what I'm saved as in your phone in case you ever forget. All you have to do is go into contacts and hit that alien and then we'll be talking, okay? It's that easy."  
"Thank you Joel."  
"No problem."  
"No I mean it, thank you, thank you for everything."  
"It's been an honour Josh, honestly, I'd do again in a heartbeat. I'll miss you champ."  
"I'll miss you too." Josh squeaked as he wiped away tears.

"Emma and I have got a flight to catch and she's waiting in the car out front so, as much as I want to stay, I've really got to go now Josh. But I'll FaceTime you once we're in LA, how about that?"  
"No no, don't be ridiculous, enjoy your holiday, you deserve it."  
"Thank you Josh, but I will call you at some point."  
"And I'll be looking forward to the day."  
"Look after yourself?"  
"You too."  
"I'll see you again in no time, alright?"  
"Right. Goodbye Joel,"  
"Goodbye Josh," he waved then just like that he was gone.

The door closed and the sobs reemerged as Josh rolled onto his less painful right side and curled up. He knew how this worked, at first Joel would call most days, then he'd say he needed a bit of time to settle into his next job, and then he'd go abroad and forget to change his plan to a global one so they wouldn't talk for a week or so, then the next place wouldn't have any service, maybe the timings wouldn't workout for one country and then before you know it he's got a new phone and forgotten to tell Josh and so he never hears from his best friend again.

It wasn't that he didn't trust Joel, it was just that he knew he wasn't good enough for Joel and this would never work. He wasn't worth the effort.

He felt pathetic, crying into his pillow yet again. He'd gone from a guy who was nothing but passionate and inspired and spent everyday excited for the next, to a guy who prayed there wouldn't be a next.

Josh hated this, hated feeling like this and feeling like he was drowning and feeling completely useless as to how to help himself. There was no way any of this was going to get better, it just wouldn't, it couldn't. And for a brief moment Josh contemplated whether he could grin and bare an existence compiled of feeling like this, but no, quickly dismissed. He couldn't go on, he couldn't.

Even Joel had said that baseball made him happy, even his own best friend didn't understand the dramatic shift within his very soul that had changed everything. Except it wasn't surprising considering Josh didn't understand it either. Why was this happening? Why did he feel like this? What was he supposed to do now other than listen to the demons whispering death?

"Joshua William." His mother entered and Josh wanted to scream because he could not take anymore. She hadn't spoken to him, hadn't seen him since he got suspended and he was too busy crying over the loss of Joel and the loss of his will to live to deal with her bullshit now.

"Joshua William look at me."  
"What?! What do you want?!" He screeched, sitting up but not stopping sobbing. She didn't seem bothered.  
"Do you know where my son is?"  
"I'm here,"  
"Not you, my son."  
"I am your son Mother, Mother, Mom I'm your son!"  
"Focus, enough of this hysteria, where is Jordan?" She was completely unphased by his desperate begs.  
"Why should I care?!"  
"Because he has a serious heart condition and I haven't seen him in an hour."  
"You didn't see me for 3 days Mother! I went out for an entire night, I didn't sleep here and you didn't notice! What if I had another seizure?! You would never know! I could have died and you wouldn't realise!"  
"Oh Joshua do stop this, you're embarrassing yourself."   
"My death would be such an embarrassment, wow, glad I mean so much to you Mother." Josh wept.

"You get no sympathy for a condition you're responsible for."  
"I did it for you!"  
"Did I ask you to?" She replied, face stern and arms crossed.  
"I was trying to keep our place at Weston!"  
"And your plan was to give yourself a seizure."  
"Mother I was doing my best,"  
"And once again it wasn't good enough." Mother replied cruelly. "Now, for the final time, have you seen my son?"  
"No." Josh answered, so just as suddenly as she appeared, she left again.

He thought things couldn't get any worse when Joel left, he was wrong. He was as good as done. It wasn't a cry for help, more offering his Mother the opportunity to at least pretend like she gave a damn whether he lived or died, but no, she failed the test.

The last thing a suicidal kid needed to hear was that.

Josh bit down hard on his bottom lip and tried to calm his gasping breaths as he reached for his mobile with a shaking hand. He was too stupid for a password so instantly opened it and scrolled his incredibly small contacts list because he had nobody and nothing in his life, then clicked Tyler's halo emoji. As the call connected, he bit harder and prayed he could disguise the wreck he had become.

"Hey Josh, everything alright?"  
"Yep." Josh tried not to give the game away.  
"Sure?"  
"Yeh, I just, I need to cancel later."  
"Aw no way man, that's such a shame, I was really looking forward to taking your arcade virginity." Tyler sighed.   
"Sorry,"  
"No no it's okay, if you've got other plans then that's cool."  
"Yeah," Josh replied, going with the logic that smaller sentences would be less likely to expose him.

"Whatcha doing instead?"  
"Baseball." He outright lied.  
"Your father making you?"  
"Yeh,"  
"Well I'm sorry, that sucks, but we can always go to the arcade another time?"  
"Yeh."  
"Are you sure you're okay Josh?"  
"Fine."  
"I know that's not true."  
"Just, uh, same stuff."  
"That's okay Josh, talking about it doesn't make it all go away, in fact sometimes it can bring everything back up again. Just look after yourself today okay?"  
"Okay."  
"Are you safe?"  
"Yes." Josh lied again. "I've got to go."  
"Alright b-" was all he heard before hanging up and collapsing into hysterical sobs once again, sliding off the bed and onto the floor.


	14. Chapter 14

When Tyler woke up, something didn't feel right. When their mom came in to check on them, she picked up on it right away and immediately that concerned scowl set into her face that they were unfortunately far too familiar with.

"Can I feel your forehead?"  
"Yeh," they croaked, so she rolled her sleeve a little then pressed her palm to their head and held it a moment.  
"You're burning up sweetheart. Have you been around someone who's sick? Josh? Jenna?"  
"We, we don't think so,"  
"You didn't go outside last night in the cold to the treehouse or something, did you?"  
"No, we were asleep by 9,"  
"And you slept okay?"  
"Fairly yeah, only woke 3 or 4 times."  
"Hmmm, okay, well rest today yeah? I know you have plans this afternoon for football with the boys, but maybe not today." Their mom suggested and Tyler was in no position to argue her on it.  
"Yeah."

"Has everything been going smoothly with taking your medications? Didn't miss a dose or anything?"  
"No it's been fine, think we're just sick Mom."  
"Oh Ty, I don't like it when my babies are sick," she sighed, stroking their sweaty hair to the side in a parting that didn't feel right but they were too exhausted to fix.

"I think it's best you miss church today too."  
"But Jen's singing, we wanted to watch her,"  
"Darling Jenna sings every week, you can watch her next week and the week after, today you need to stay in bed."  
"Mom,"  
"Come on Ty, you know what your systems gets like when you're sick. Things are harder, you need to rest."  
"We know, it's just,"  
"Just that you love Jenna and you want to support her. Ty everyone in Columbus knows you love her, especially Jenna; she's not going to be upset that you're looking after yourself when you're sick."  
"Tell her anyway? That we love her,"  
"Of course darling." Mom nodded, stroking their sweaty face again.

"Can I get you anything?"  
"Um, our meds please?"   
"Psych meds? Or migraine meds?"  
"Psych, haven't got a headache, just a whole body ache,"  
"Tell me your symptoms Ty, what hurts?"  
"Everything. Just, uh, all our muscles are exhausted and we feel really weak. Sweaty with chills. Tired? We dunno,"  
"Okay baby, okay. Maybe it's flu, maybe it's nothing. Let's take it one day at a time, and today that involves sleeping and drinking. Gotta keep yourselves hydrated okay?"  
"Okay,"  
"Lemme go grab your medicine and some water and then I'll come back, stay in bed."  
"Thanks Mom," they called out tiredly as she left the room.

Eughhhh, they hated getting sick. For some reason they had always had a weak immune system, always being that one kid in elementary school who got the flu every single year and got a cold from playing in the snow for more than 30 seconds. Every year they'd get the jabs and yet every year they'd spend half of winter battling off some sort of bug only to catch another and it sucked.

However getting sick became an even bigger inconvenience after the trauma because for some reason being unwell meant his alter system went haywire. Anybody and anyone just took control when they felt like it and nobody had the energy to hold onto control so they switched and switched and switched endlessly. Nobody acted like they usually did and half the time no one felt well enough to take the lead so they ended up dissociating for hours on end. That sucked.

"Here we go, meds, water, apples and an orange."  
"Thanks,"  
"And I know you don't like oranges but Andrew does and I'm guessing today is going to be a switchy day so I got that for him. Would you like me to get anything for any other alters? James' cars maybe?"  
"That would be nice, thank you Mom."  
"Anything else?"  
"Um, can you get Johnny's model train too?"  
"Course darling." She nodded like the angel she was, leaving her first trip's findings on their bedside table and going in search of the next.

Breathing felt funny, but the sort of funny that actually meant horrible and scary opposed to something that could be laughed over. There was an elephant sat on their chest and a stream of firey heat pulsing through their body that didn't quite reach their goose-bumped skin, leaving them with the conundrum of whether to have the duvet on or off.

When they were a kid, when they were just Tyler, the thought of sticking one leg out of the duvet was as good as offering yourself up to the demons. All sorts of monsters lived under the bed and would obviously grab an ankle if they saw it, and that weird fear that all children had had stuck with them right through to the grand age of 17. No, they'd much rather risk overheating.

"Here, is this okay?"  
"Perfect, thank you Mom." They smiled as she returned with the fun toys for James and the precise models for Johnny.  
"Do you want me to stay home and for Dad to take your siblings?"  
"No no, we'll be fine, please, go to church."  
"Sure?"  
"Completely."  
"And you're gonna text and call with updates and ask for help if you need it?"  
"Absolutely." Tyler reassured her.

"Hmm, okay baby, well take your meds whilst I'm still here so I can hide the bottles again in case Cassie appears and gets any ideas." She instructed then began getting them out for them, a mixture of antidepressants and anxiolytics and antipsychotics that didn't seem to do much but wasn't worth the gamble to stop taking. Although they felt guilty for stripping their family of any disposable income, they knew it was better that way than them trying to kill themselves or someone else.

"Good?"   
"Good." They nodded, giving the glass of water back shakily so that she could put it on the bedside table again.  
"Should I get you a cold damp cloth?"   
"We all know it'll heat up in seconds. Honest Mom, you've done everything, go to church and have a good morning."  
"Sure you'll cope?"  
"Sure." Tyler forced a tired smile. She looked at them with sympathy and concern before eventually sighing and stroking their damp face again.

"I'll pray for you,"  
"Thank you Mom,"  
"Hope you feel better soon angel,"  
"Love you,"  
"Love you too Ty," she smiled then left their bedroom, not forgetting to call out as she shut the door behind her, "Drink lots!"  
"We will!"

 

 

Josh was going mad, he was quite sure of it. It had taken a solid minute for him to remember why exactly he had woken up on the floor of his walk in wardrobe with bruised and bloody knuckles. Even once he remembered he wasn't comforted by the truth nor anymore convinced he was sane.

His tears had turned to anger, there was no other way of putting it. For a long hour he had cried on the floor and contemplated having another go at his plan, before suddenly realising that he couldn't take sole responsibility and blame for his situation when it had in fact been Joel and Mother who had rendered him that way. And once he began assigning blame elsewhere, it was addictive.

He thought back to what he had shared with Tyler, then worked himself up further and further, getting angrier and angrier at everyone and anyone who had ever done anything to him. Angry at Joel for pretending to care for so many years only to leave him when he needed him most. Angry at Mother for so many reasons, first of all for refusing to call him her son, secondly for not being the type of mother who would pick up on the fact that he was hurting or at least pretend to care when he mentioned he could have died - and it was true, he was one pharmacy away from death. He was also mad at her for all the cruel comments that seemed to be becoming more and more regular, for the way she made him feel like an embarrassment and a disappointment, for the times she told him he was an embarrassment and a disappointment. He was even mad at her for giving birth prematurely and ruining the dynamic of his childhood.

He was angry at Jordan for being early and having his condition. He was angry at Father for constantly putting baseball before his health and for effectively disowning him. He was angry at the kids in elementary school that treated him like shit. He was angry at the kids in middle school that treated him like shit. He was angry at the kids in high school that treated him like shit. He was angry at every god damn specialist who gave up on him and he was angry at every teacher who humiliated him. He was angry at Ryan for lying to him and he was angry at Michael for what he did to Tyler and he was angry at Tyler for stirring up all these emotions in him then being so naive when he cancelled their plans.

He was angry at the whole fucking world and last night he had punched a lot of walls and doors and mirrors, and then began ripping things up in his closet before finally collapsing to the ground in a fit of hysterical something.

Sleep had done nothing to somber his rage, even dreaming of smashing up the house and its inhabitants with a baseball bat. So he woke up angry, angry and hungry. It had been a while since he'd last eaten and he was sick and tired of hiding away from his family in his bedroom. If they had something to say then he'd make sure he had something to say back.

Josh raced down the stairs, unsure of whether he was wishing that his family had already left for church so he wouldn't have to go through with his word or whether he was actually in the mood for confrontation and, well, revenge?

"Oh look who it is, the beast has risen." Jordan jeered playfully but Josh took it maliciously as he entered the kitchen. His little brother was stood by the island with a bowl in his hand and was eating from it with a spoon whilst shirtless, thick surgery scar proudly on show down the middle of his chest.

"The fuck did you say?!" Josh spat, striding straight over to him and shoving him so hard that he dropped the bowl. It smashed and muesli splashed on the tiles accompanied by a gasp from Jordan, but Josh didn't care and shoved him backwards again.   
"Josh-"  
"What the fuck did you say to me?!"  
"Please," he winced as Josh pinned him up against the wall, forearm across his chest forcefully.  
"Do you want to fucking die Jordan?" Josh growled slowly and yet powerfully, knowing control was in his hands as he felt the irregular gasps for breath coming from his brother. For a football player, Jordan was pathetically weak.  
"Please, please,"

"Joshua William don't fucking touch him!" Father suddenly entered the room and barked, but Josh was enjoying the panic in Jordan's eyes far too much. Only once the man sharply pulled Josh off him by the back of his hoodie was Jordan freed and immediately slipped to the ground. Pathetic drama queen.

"Outside! Now!" Father ordered but Josh had had enough of his bullshit and refused to move. His feet only budged when the older forced him with a surprisingly strong grip on his arm. Eventually Josh stopped acting like a stubborn toddler and followed him willingly, knowing that he could definitely still take him if things got physical.

"What the fuck are you playing at?!" He demanded to know once they were outside, Josh's back up against the wall of the house as his father jabbed a finger at him angrily.   
"What you gonna do Pop? You gonna hit me?" Josh taunted menacingly.  
"I don't know what on Earth has got into you recently-"  
"I'll tell them you hit me, I'll tell everyone."  
"I haven't-"  
"They don't know that, I'll tell them Father, I'll tell them and I'll bring your precious reputation tumbling down. After all, you treasure that more than anything else."  
"I don't know what-"  
"The baseball bruise, yeah, I'll tell school that you broke my ribs." Josh threatened, feeling powerful and evil but loving every second.

"You're going to tell your school that I abuse you?"  
"Yep." He popped the p.  
"Wow," Father shook his head disapprovingly, then laughed with a sudden confidence that made Josh feel uneasy. "Wow Josh, wow, I thought you were smarter than that."  
"It will ruin you."  
"See that's where you're wrong Joshua, that's where you're wrong. I'll still have my beautiful wife, this wonderful home and luxurious lifestyle that I love so dearly. I've got good lawyers. No, you won't ruin me, you're going to ruin your siblings' lives yet again." He laughed in his face and Josh felt his anger draining and getting replaced by that increasingly familiar urge to sob again.

"Tell school that I hit you? Great plan. Let me tell you what's going to happen, see if you can understand it if I spell it out for you. Oh wait! You can't even spell!" He cackled cruelly. "The first thing that's going to happen is social services are gonna come and take you and your brother and your sisters away. They'll take you away from this plentiful lifestyle where you're given everything you could possibly imagine, and they're going to ship you off to children's homes. Now, judging by the current budget cuts and massive lack of resources, I'm gonna go out on a limb here and say the odds of you 4 being kept together is exactly 0. So you'll be split up and sent to different sides of the state where you'll proceed to live in bedrooms with bunk beds alongside 4, maybe 6 other children." Father seemed amused as Josh comprehended what he bellowed.

"You'll have to start new schools, again. And you think the government are going to pay for nice private schools and the best textbooks and bloody dyslexia tutoring? No, Josh, no they won't. They also won't pay for baseball training, so there goes your only shot at a future. But wait, it's not just your future! You've ruined your siblings' futures too! Think they're gonna go to nice colleges? Think they're gonna be looked after and given the best foot forward in life? No."

"Now, let's think about this some more. You're gonna be 18 soon, you're gonna be out of that care home quicker than you can say 'Father I'm sorry for being so fucking disrespectful', and you're gonna be in the real world. The real world Josh, where you need a job in order to eat and guess what, in the real world you need to be able to read in order to get a job. So bam, there goes you, homeless, most likely starving to death." Father said and a tear rolled down his face.

"As for your siblings, well, big shot Josh has put them in care homes that they're legally too young to leave, so they'll be trapped in those violent conditions for years. 7 years, Abigail would be in there for 7 years. And you know who adopts teenagers? Nobody. Nobody. They'll be in buildings that are overflowing with kids that are so messed up that their parents didn't want them anymore, so I'm gonna guess we're talking about your little sisters and little brother being too terrified to sleep, too scared to defend themselves, too afraid to function. So you know what Josh? Go ahead, tell school I beat you if you want. You seem to be able to cope with the guilt of ruining their lives, I mean you've done it before."

Father walked away and went back inside, and now Josh was the one who was having to fight the urge to fall to the ground just like Jordan had. Anger was gone, shock was riddling him near paralysed. Everything that had been said, screamed, was soaking in and reaffirming all the things that he'd always told himself. It was his fault, he'd always known it but for some reason it cut deeper coming from his father.

He was shaking but somehow the tears were yet to progress to the sobs that were threatening to claw up his throat. Suddenly he wanted nothing more than to hide under his covers and break down all over again. That or to die.

Josh half ran back through the door and into the house again, hoping to sneak in without having to make eye contact with anyone ever again. However as soon as he entered the kitchen it quickly became obvious that this was so much bigger than him and his pathetic problems.

"Call 911." Father said and Josh grabbed the house phone and dialled it immediately, watching in horror as he pumped the chest of his unconscious brother who was sprawled out on the floor not breathing.

 

 

There were no words Josh could match to the swirling shit storm of guilt and self hatred and fear and pain and responsibility and liability that raged within his very soul. His parents hadn't let him in the ambulance once the crew had arrived and taken over CPR, so instead he rode in the car with his sisters who wept the entire journey. He wished he could find the words to comfort them but he was too busy holding off a panic attack of his own. And now in the corridor of cardiology they sat on one bench and he sat on the other.

This had happened once before, Jordan had collapsed during football practice and had only managed to survive until the paramedics turned up thanks to the quick thinking of his coach. However this time was different for Josh, this wasn't because of exercise, this was because of him. It was his anger that had startled Jordan, his arms that had pinned him up against the wall and his legs that had walked away when he collapsed to the ground. It was his fault that Jordan had been alone for so long because it was his fault that his father had to take so long to discipline him, and it was his fault that Jordan could potentially die.

Mother came out of Jordan's hospital room and immediately all 3 of her healthy children rushed over to hear the news.  
"No, no not you, get away from me." She immediately shunned him and Josh knew she was completely within her rights so he walked back to his bench, heart pounding. He sat down again and bounced his legs relentlessly, trying not to stare but simultaneously desperate to know what was happening the other side of the hall.

Time seemed to slow down as they conversed just out of hearing range. Every possible outcome played through his head, including the one where Jordan hadn't made it so both his sisters and his mom raced down the corridor and attacked Josh for revenge. And his heart almost stopped - no, no poor wording, insensitive wording, idiotic wording - when he heard footsteps coming towards him.

"Josh," Ashley, his sister, said tearfully and he met her eyes as she sat next to him on the bench. Abi hadn't joined her and Mother had gone back to Jordan.  
"Is he okay?"  
"Alive." She nodded and more tears fell from both of them.  
"Do they know what caused the arrest?" Josh whispered.  
"Heart attack."  
"Again?"  
"Yeh, they're um, they're replacing the valve this time so it doesn't happen another time. He's going into surgery in 10 minutes,"  
"Right."

"Josh he's sick, there's some bug going round and he's been having palpitations for days, he's vulnerable and we had to be careful-"  
"I'll make it up to him, I know there's nothing I can do to apologise enough but I'll find a way to make it up to him somehow." He promised, wiping his face again.  
"I'm not blaming you-"  
"It's my fault!"  
"It's not."  
"Yes it is Ashley!" He exclaimed before hiding his head in his hands.  
"All I meant was that you would have known he was sick if you came out of your room, like, even at all. This is the first time I've seen you in 4 days."  
"S'blessing."  
"How can you say that?" She said shocked.  
"I don't know I don't know! I always say and do the wrong thing!" Josh cried.

"I'm just confused Josh, I don't get it, you're not violent so why are you being like this?"  
"I don't know,"  
"Is he bullying you? The guy you beat up."  
"No,"  
"Let me see you hands." She said, plying them off his face and inspecting his bloody knuckles. "These are fresh, these aren't from Wednesday, did this happen when you attacked Jordan?"  
"What?! No!" He immediately replied, horrified that she thought him capable of such a thing.

"Father said you were picking a fight with Jordan, pinned him up against the wall-"  
"And made him have a fucking cardiac arrest!" Josh sobbed guiltily.   
"Is that what you wanted to happen?"  
"No! No of course no!"  
"I just don't get it Josh,"  
"I don't either," he wept, taking his hands back from her and burying his palms in his eyes again. "I don't know what's going on, I don't know what I'm doing,"  
"You gotta figure it out Josh, you gotta, it's not fair on us," Ashley cried. "It's not fair on Mother and Father, not fair on Jordan,"  
"I didn't m-mean i-it,"  
"Okay, you made a mistake, you say it was an accident, but it's Jordan who's paying the price! He's the one who's had to be resuscitated and is about to have open heart surgery!" Ashley started to get angry and Josh hated himself.

"You've changed and I hate the person you've become, you're selfish Josh, you're selfish. You think you can do whatever the fuck you want and you're just untouchable, and you don't seem to care who gets hurt in the process!" She half shouted through the tears. "What's going to be your wake up call? You got us kicked out of Weston, you got suspended in your first week at Liberty, and now your brother has to have heart surgery because of you. When are you going to open your eyes and realise that you're hurting us?!"  
"I'm s-sorry A-sh,"  
"No you're not." She said without a flicker of doubt, walking off and leaving him alone on the bench. He sat there for a moment but it didn't take more than a few seconds before it was all to much to deal with and he ran.


	15. Chapter 15

Tyler was right when he said they would be switchy, and had lost count of exactly how many changes had occurred over the last 24 hours. More than 24 switches, that's for sure. The three strong alters, Tyler Johnny and Andrew, had the majority of the fronting time, however James and Cassie had also had a couple of goes too. Thankfully they'd managed to keep Blurry out but that had meant dissociating for close to 3 hours at one point. During that time Mom had come home from church and she always got upset when they were barely responsive, but everyone knew it was better for nobody in charge than Blurry.

James was fronting at the moment but he wasn't really himself. As a child he was especially affected by this flu virus, feeling tearful rather than playful like usual. Mom had the late shift on Mondays so she was able to stay home with them for the morning at least, and she laid by their side in bed. She had one of his cars and was absentmindedly rolling it up and down the comforter on her leg and they couldn't stop watching.

"James sweetie?"  
"Yeh?"  
"How are you feeling? Any better?"  
"Tired Mommy," they whispered sadly.  
"Oh it's not nice when you can't sleep when it's nighttime, sorry brave boy, but do you want to try again now? Mommy will stay with you."  
"Mommy I don't want to sleep,"   
"But you're tired James,"  
"Mommy I don't want to!"  
"Okay sweetie, okay. What do you want to do?" She asked them but that made them sad because they didn't know what they wanted but they definitely wanted it now.

"Oh James, shhh, come on don't cry brave boy, shhh,"  
"Mommy,"  
"Do you want a hug James?"   
"I'm TOO HOT!" They cried, flicking up the covers with angry frustrated kicks, not caring that the strop would do nothing to make them feel better.  
"Would you like some ice cream? Help you cool down and a treat for being a good boy?"  
"I DON'T LIKE ICE CREAM!"  
"Since when angel? Ice cream's your favourite James, especially with little chocolate sprinkles; Mommy and James used to go and eat ice cream in Tyler's treehouse when James first started coming out to play."  
"I wanna go to the treehouse!"  
"Not today darling,"  
"I wanna go outside!"  
"No James, it's cold out and you're sick."  
"I'm hot Mommy!"  
"You've got chills and cold sweats, I don't want you getting even sicker sweetie."

"Moommm, phooonnneee!" Zacky called from the hallway and James could vaguely hear the annoying ringtone. Sometimes he liked to dance to the tune but today he was too hot and too sad and too grumpy.  
"Can you answer it please darling!" She requested back loudly enough for him to hear.  
"Okay!"

"Mommy,"  
"I'm sorry James, I just had to answer Zacky, I'm listening to you now."  
"Mommy I want to play outside with my cars."  
"You're sick angel, please, you're gonna stay inside today. If you like then I can set Lego Movie up on the TV downstairs and help you take your blankies onto the couch and you can snuggle up and watch it."  
"I don't like Lego Movie!"  
"It's your favourite James."  
"I only, I only like playing outside and that's all. Everything else is booooring."

"Mom? It's Miss Draper, she wants to talk to Tyler." Zacky entered their room, also dressed in pyjamas and taking the day off school after catching the same bug they had.  
"I'll talk to her." Mommy said, sitting up and taking the phone off him, beginning to talk to Tyler's teacher.

"Who are you?"  
"I'm James, hi," they told Zacky, also sitting up.  
"Hey little man, you okay?"  
"Tired."  
"Me too bud, me too. Thanks for making me sick as well." He rolled his eyes then smiled. "Do you wanna go play cars with me?"  
"Mommy says I'm not allowed outside." James sulked sadly whilst the woman spoke to the phone.  
"Y'don't wanna go out there, it's cold and miserable, but we can play in my room if you want?"  
"I, I don't like your room."  
"Well we can play in here instead if you want." Zacky offered with a kind smile.

"Zack, can you try and get Ty to front please?" Mommy asked quietly aside from the phone and James was sad because he didn't like it when Mommy made him go away.

"Did you hear what Mom said? It's Tyler's turn to be in charge now James."  
"I wanna play outside, I don't wanna go,"  
"If I talk to Tyler will that make it easier for him to come out?"  
"He, he's ready, he just doesn't want to stop me playing." James told his big brother Zacky.   
"Well Miss Draper really needs to speak to him, can he come out to talk to her then let you play afterwards?"  
"I don't like phones,"  
"No, but Tyler doesn't mind and Miss Draper really needs to speak to him."  
"About what?" James asked.  
"I'm not sure,"  
"Josh." Mommy stopped talking to the phone for a moment to tell James. James knew that Joshie was Tyler's special friend only for him, and Tyler was immediately concerned at the mention of his name so it wasn't too much of a struggle for him to seize control over the littleone.

"Okay it's me, Ty, can I talk to her?" Tyler said, reaching out for the phone. Mom told Miss Draper that he was ready to talk then passed it across.  
"Tyler?"  
"Hi Miss, everything okay?"  
"I was just wondering whether you've heard from Josh recently? Josh Dun? We're trying to track him down and I know there was an incident between you on Wednesday and I was just thinking perhaps he'd reached out to make an apology or something along those lines?"  
"Uh yeh, yeh we saw him on Thursday and he ended up sleeping over at our house."  
"Oh wow okay, so you last saw him on Friday morning?"  
"Yeah we hung out on Friday and we spoke to him on the phone on Saturday. Has something happened?" Tyler told her, anxiety building in their chest.  
"His brother, Jordan, had a heart attack yesterday and needed surgery. He's waking up now and doing well, however Josh is missing. It seems he left the hospital at some point yesterday and he hasn't been seen since, so if he contacts you then can you please let the school know?"  
"Oh God, right, okay."  
"Thank you Tyler. I'm aware you're sick right now so thank you for taking the time to talk to me and I hope you feel better soon."

"Miss," They stopped her from saying goodbye.  
"Yes?"  
"On Thursday he was, um, he was planning to kill himself?"  
"Right okay." She replied and they could hear her scratching rapid notes down on a sheet of paper in her office. "Do you know any details of his plan?"  
"He was in the pharmacy buying paracetamol, we flushed them away but he might have gone back."  
"Which pharmacy?"  
"Maurice's, it's on the corner opposite the pizza place on third street,"  
"Yes I know the one, right, I'll call him and see if Josh has been in again. Did he say where he was planning on taking the overdose?"  
"No."

"Can you think of anything else that might help us find him? No detail is too small."  
"He, he doesn't know anywhere, he wouldn't go anywhere specific that I can think of, and he's really scared of getting lost." Tyler tried to stay calm.  
"You're right Tyler, he probably left the hospital for some air and got lost, there's no need to panic." She attempted and failed to reassure him.

"He plays, uh, plays baseball? Baseball nets at school maybe? Or he might have tried to go back to Cleveland? He's got good memories at the Indians' stadium, m-might be a bolt hole?"  
"It's quite a trek to Cleveland, I think we'll keep the search local for now, but good suggestion anyway. So I'll go and check whether he's managed to sneak into the nets and I'll call Maurice for a start."

"Have, ha-have his parents called the police?"   
"It's only been 24 hours Tyler, there's honestly no need to panic."  
"Miss Draper we just told you that Josh is suicidal and now he's been missing for a whole day and night, I think that's a bloody good reason to panic!"  
"Tyler honey, breathe," Mom said, reaching out and stroking their knee supportively.  
"We'll find him, don't worry, just focus on getting better and I'll see you in school once you're feeling well enough. Thank you for your help Tyler." Miss Draper told them.  
"Is there anything else we can do?"  
"Just look after yourselves,"  
"To help Josh."  
"Tyler leave this to me and to Josh's parents, please, concentrate on getting better. I'll see you soon."  
"Ok."  
"Bye, and thanks again."  
"Bye," they sighed then hung up and immediately dropped the phone down onto the bed and buried their face in their hands.

"Breathe Tyler, long and deep and slow." Mom reminded them, taking her hand off their knee and moving it to their back, rubbing up and down slowly.  
"He's dead," Tyler gasped desperately as hot tears suddenly began streaming down their cheeks.  
"Who?" Zack asked.  
"Nobody, nobody is Zack, everything's gonna be okay guys I promise," she went on to lie.  
"H-e'sss de-ead,"

 

 

  
Jordan's usual cardiologist was resident at the best hospital in the state which just so happened to be 3 hours away in Cleveland, and the ambulance crew had been far more concerned with his survival than his parents' preferences. However even Laura couldn't find too much to complain about at their new local. A private intensive care room, polite and smiling staff who were attentive and not too chatty, a surgeon who had saved her son's life. Yes, it would do for now.

Jordan was in his bed between his two parents, breathing tube recently removed and anaesthetic worn off but still incredibly drowsy. All sorts of wires and tubes and monitors were hooked up to her son, and Laura was proud to know the name and purpose of each of the IV lines and pacing wires and ECG monitors. But the knowledge didn't make it any easier to watch her boy in his vulnerable condition.

He liked things quiet, needed the room to be calm and soft so he didn't get overstimulated or worked up. Laura guessed the beeps of his monitors, the only noise, were probably hammering into his delicate skull and hurting his head but she was glad to hear them. The beats were regular for a change, and they were there. Bill had told them that it was likely his heart had stopped and not been manually pumped via CPR for between 3 and 5 minutes. The doctor had said that brain cells begin to die after between 4 and 6 minutes no blood flow. A very real risk of brain damage was afoot and Laura was terrified about what Jordan would be like once he fully recovered.

She told herself that she shouldn't rush him or force him to speak, he was always out of it post op, but couldn't help as her mind predicted the worst and imagined a life where Jordan would be in this dribbling confused state permanently. If that was the case, she would of course feel no differently towards her younger son, however the same couldn't be said for the older. Joshua would be asked to leave in a manner that was not a question.

"Shhh, it's okay Jord, I'm here," she gently hushed him as he let out a pained yet stifled cry that came out as high pitched wince as he turned his head against his pillow. Her words didn't seem to soothe him or his agonised facial expression that broke her heart.   
"You're doing well son,"  
"So well, Mother and Father are so proud of you, you're doing amazingly." Laura agreed with her husband. He smiled tiredly at her as she reached out and took Jordan's hand in hers, careful not to knock his IV line which supplied his much needed pain relief. Thankfully the young teenager settled again, but only momentarily because suddenly the loud blaring tones of Bill's phone rang through the ICU room.

"It's that damn school again." He sighed angrily, declining the call and putting the device back in the breast pocket of his blazer.  
"Well this is what happens when you tell them you're not sure why your son isn't in school because you don't know where he is."  
"I am sorry darling, it just slipped out."  
"I know darling, you're tired, I know," she reassured her beloved husband. He flashed her a grateful smile for her understanding but immediately it fell when the same tinny sounds echoed from his pocket once again.

"Just answer it darling, explain Jordan's too sensitive for this bombardment of stimulation,"  
"Will do." He said, raising the iPhone to his ear as he stepped out of Jordan's room for the first time since he had come out of his surgery.

"Just you and me now Jord, I'm still here, still with you." Laura reassured her baby, still holding his hand and stroking him with her thumb. She thought back to the first time she ever held his hand, back in neonatal intensive care when he was in the incubator and she could only touch him through the portholes once he was a week old. His hand wasn't even big enough to wrap round her smallest fingers.

Hospitals were a frequent place for them to visit together, cardiology appointments every couple of months mixed in with ER trips for broken bones from his many adventures. And it made her proud, so proud, that he was confident and brave enough to live life happily and fully, and perhaps a little dangerously. Never once did he let his complex health conditions hold him back and that was one of the many things she admired about him. It was also one of the many reasons she was so upset at the prospect of him potentially never gaining back full consciousness and his ability to enjoy life the way he always had. Brain damage would strip him of that joy for living that characterised her son so strongly, and she would never forgive the person who had done that to him.

"Laura? Are you okay?" Bill reentered and saw her tear filled eyes. He stood behind her and supportively wrapped an arm around her shoulder then kissed the top of her head. She reached back and squeezed her husband gently, then watched as he went back to his seat opposite.

"Just want him to get better."  
"Of course darling, and he will. He's a Dun, he's a fighter."  
"What did the school have to say?" She asked to distract herself, not truly caring, whilst wiping tears away.  
"Oh it was just that woman, can't remember her name, anyway, she just wanted to inform us that according to a classmate of Joshua's, he tried to kill himself on Thursday. Simply wanted us to be aware, that's all."  
"Well maybe he should have tried harder."

 

 

 

"Tyler, TYLER! Where are you going?!" Zack grabbed them by the wrist moments before the front door slammed shut.  
"Where do you think we're going?!" They screeched back, desperate for their brother to let go so they could begin their search.  
"Mom said I have to keep you safe this afternoon, please, come back inside."  
"He's out there somewhere!"  
"And people are looking for him,"  
"We have to find him Zack, please,"  
"You're sick and you're switchy and you shouldn't be out of bed." Zack told them, grip still tight around their arm.   
"Neither should you!"  
"Ty,"

"Nobody's home till 4, nobody has to know, please, we'll be back by then."  
"No you won't Tyler, you won't come back until you find him and what if you never do?" The younger retaliated. "I have to keep you safe."  
"And who's keeping Josh safe?"  
"He's not your responsibility Ty,"  
"He's my friend."  
"You're not well enough for this Tyler! Get inside now!"  
"It's just flu, we'll be fine." Tyler pleaded.  
"I'm not talking about the flu."  
"What's that supposed to mean?"  
"You know exactly what that's supposed to mean, all 7 of you do, now please, come inside." Zack instructed clearly, perhaps a little cruelly, then took advantage of their momentary shock and pulled them in far enough to be able to close and lock the door.

"You're not leaving without my say so Ty, understand?" The younger told them and at face value they understood he was being protective and following Mom's rules and looking out for them, but in reality they couldn't breathe. That was exactly word for word what Michael had said as he locked the door and trapped them in the bedroom, then pinned them down and-

"Stop screaming Tyler, I'm sorry, I'm so sorry, whatever I did wrong was an accident, I'm so sorry, what can I do to make it better?"  
"NO! NO! NO!" They began to screech between long piercing involuntary screams because they could feel it, feel him all over them and he was pushing them down and holding them down and they were resisting and pulling but he was bigger and stronger and he was far too powerful and they couldn't breathe.

"Is it the locked door? Is that the trigger? Tyler, Tyler please, help me to make it better," Zack pleaded but they couldn't form words because they were putty in his hands and he held their wrists against the mattress so tight that there would be bruises for weeks.

"Please stop screaming, please, I'm so sorry Tyler I just can't let you out, you're gonna hurt yourself again. Do you want to go next door though? Lie down on the fluffy rug?" He tried to offer calmly but was clearly terrified as he crouched down opposite where they had sunk to the floor of the doorway and were still screaming because this was all so real and he was there and they were trying to get away but they were so weak and if only they weren't so fucking weak then none of this would have happened and it was all their fault and it was happening again and they couldn't breathe.

"Shhhh, come on Ty, you're safe I promise." Zack lied as they screamed. "Dad gets you to look out the window, do you want that? To go to a window? Look at the light coming in?"  
"DON'T! TOUCH! US!" They heaved desperately as Zack extended a hand to help them off the floor, but it was quickly retracted. Tyler wanted, nay, needed to vomit and quickly scrambled to their feet and sprinted to the kitchen just in time to throw up in the sink. The screams became whimpers as they threw up a second time before finally being handed a bottle of water by Zack.

"You're okay, you're okay, deep breaths." The younger said quietly as Tyler rinsed and spat and gargled and spat till the foul taste subsided a little. Only then did they swallow a sip of the water and take a deep breath. Staring out of the window above the sink was reassuring, calming, watching the strong winds blow and tug on the thin leaves of the tree outside and yet knowing that the tree's roots stood sturdy. Metaphor. Externally fragile but internally strong.

"Sorry,"  
"Never apologise for it Ty, never apologise. I'm pretty sure if it was a choice then you'd choose not to." Zack said exactly the right thing.

"Look, I know you want to find Josh and I get that, he's your friend, you want to look after him because you always want to look after everyone all the time." He went on to say and Tyler tried not to have another screaming episode as they remembered the way they'd looked after Michael with so little self respect after his ACL injury.

"You're caring, perhaps too much, and usually that's okay but you have to draw a line Ty. You're not well. Whether you'll admit that to yourself because of the DID or because you just puked your guts up, I don't mind as long as it comes to the same conclusion that you shouldn't be leaving the house."

"When we ran away last year, you came and found us."  
"Because I knew exactly where you'd be, and you're my br-, my sibling, and I love you Ty."  
"We love you too." Tyler said truthfully, looking away from the tree for a moment to make eye contact with him.   
"If that's true then you'd listen to me when I'm trying to help you, you don't always know what's in your best interest, so please, let me tell you."  
"We just want to help him, Josh, he's vulnerable."  
"You're not ready Ty, you're not at that point yet." Zack told them.  
"What point?"  
"That whole 'I know what it's like but I'm living proof it gets better' thing. I mean yeah, you're better than you were, but you're not like, better better, if that makes sense?"  
"That's not why we want to help him, this isn't us trying to be some symbol of hope or prove anything to anyone, this is us trying to help a friend."  
"You barely know him."  
"We know him better than most people." Tyler sighed, taking another shaky sip of water.

"If he's still missing tomorrow, if you're better, less vomitty, less switchy, less screamy, I'll look for him with you."  
"You will?"  
"Yes." Zack nodded. "But only if you're better, and only if you go back to bed right now."


	16. Chapter 16

The piano was second hand, bashed and battered and out of tune, in fact when the high E was pressed it played 2 notes. The white keys were more an off yellow and the black B sharp was chipped to reveal the brown interior within. It wasn't grand like Tyler's dream piano, it was upright and pressed up against the wall in the corner of the home office that Mom and Dad shared and used when they needed a place to work, but they loved it. They adored it and every single scratch and imperfection that gave it character and an opportunity for Mom to turn it into a metaphor about how broken things could still be loved.

It had been a gift for their 17th birthday, a replacement for the plastic electronic kid's keyboard they had been using up until that point. Having a proper grown up piano to vent the mature and frankly terrifying thoughts they'd been thinking seemed much more appropriate than the children's toy.

The toy had come into their possession as a random Christmas gift when they were younger, maybe 12 or 13. It hadn't reemerged from the closet it had immediately been stuffed in until after the trauma. Tyler didn't talk, none of the alters talked. They didn't talk for weeks and weeks and only started making noise, other than screams or sobs, when they were hiding in the closet and uncovered the boxed toy and began messing with the keys, and ergo their obsession with the piano began.

Dad had found the upright piano on eBay and it was a lot of money but it was cheap for a piano. Back then they hadn't started taking all the meds, hadn't started draining the family bank accounts, so Dad could just about scrape the funds and make it work out. Make it the best gift they'd ever received and a glimmer of hope in a long and difficult recovery.

"Tyler lovely?" Granny said as she came into the home office slash piano room. Both Mom and Dad had to work and both Zack and Tyler's system were staying home sick from school again, except this time their grandmother had been phoned in to serve as babysitter. Zack had told Mom about their little meltdown and so it was decided that extra reinforcements were needed to keep them safe.

"Hey Granny,"  
"Zacky's asleep on the couch lovely, fell right asleep with the television movie video still playing, can you believe that? Fast asleep with all that racket in the background!" The elderly woman laughed.  
"Zack could sleep through a tornado." Tyler smiled as she sat down next to them on the piano stool.

"I think he's feeling sick."  
"We think so too Granny."  
"And how about you lovely? Are you feeling sick still?"  
"Threw up a lot last night but feeling better for it, still not 100% but better."  
"Have you been taking your medicine?"  
"Yes but that's for our head Granny, not for the flu."  
"For your voices."  
"Yeh, our alters, our voices." They nodded. "But we got a flu jab earlier in the year too."  
"I hope you get better soon lovely."  
"Thank you Granny."

"Lovely, do you want to get better?"  
"Course we do Granny."  
"Not the flu, everyone wants to get better from the flu, I mean the voices. Do you want them to go away?" She asked the big question that Tyler often contemplated until the early hours.  
"I'm not sure if I'm honest Granny."  
"They're nice to you."  
"Most of them, yeah, they look out for me." Tyler nodded and the others were happy to hear him praise them.  
"If they're nice to you then that's okay lovely, it doesn't matter if the other kids at school think you're crazy, it's okay if you like the voices."  
"We're not crazy, just different. And thank you Granny."

"Have you been playing your piano lovely?"  
"We have, yes." They stated the obvious with love.  
"Will you play your old Granny something?"  
"Um yeah, yeah course, uh, what would you like to hear?"  
"Well what's your favourite song lovely?"  
"Urrrmm, I don't know," Tyler shrugged with a little smile.  
"How about one of those little tunes you like to write? In your little book?"  
"One of mine? Oh, okay, sure, uh, I actually wrote a song called Lovely. It's uh, it's for one of my voices, she's called Cassie."  
"You did? Oh how lovely!" Granny laughed sweetly and watched as they began to press the keys and pour their heart out.

 

 

Tyler was worried about Zack. They got sick a lot, always had done and most likely always will do, but Zack was different. For as long as they could think back, not a single incident of Zack getting ill came up, he just didn't get sick. And so it was strange for Tyler to watch their brother so obviously unwell on the other couch, sweat drenching his pyjama shirt and his too pale skin whilst he shivered under a pile of comforters. He'd been asleep the entire morning and was incredibly difficult to wake for lunch.

If it was up to them, he'd have been left to sleep, however Granny was worried that he was going to get dehydrated and so he was sat up and given a bottle of water whilst she cooked them both her special soup. It wasn't that special, except it was in every single way and even Zack, who had spent the night throwing his guts up far more violently than Tyler, managed to keep down the bowl that Granny had hand cooked him.

Zack was now watching a rerun of some Cavs game from the weekend, and Tyler was watching him. They watched the way his eyes were barely open and the way trickles of sweat ran down his face and the way his head occasionally rolled back a little as though he was dizzy. And it was silly because Tyler had the same bug and wasn't worried about their own health, and yet they were terrified for Zack's.

They wondered whether perhaps it was because of the Dun's, because of what had happened to Jordan. Zack was in his friendship group and most of his classes, and news travelled fast. He had let Tyler read the group chat texts where Jordan's condition was being discussed and it seemed bad. Apparently this bug had put some sort of strain on his heart which was already weak due to issues he was born with, and it was pushed too hard and triggered a heart attack that lead to a cardiac arrest. The messages went on to explain he had surgery and it went well but he took a while to wake up and Ashley, his sister, had mentioned the word brain damage. However Zack smiled when he received a Snapchat 'streak' message, whatever that was, from Jordan later that day with a goofy drugged up selfie. He was going to be okay.

Josh on the other hand was still a mystery. He'd been missing for 2 days and honestly Tyler presumed the worst. Zack may have rumbled and put a halt to their search and rescue mission but that didn't stop Tyler doing everything they could think of to track him down from the confines of their bed. The afternoon had been spent doing some serious Internet stalking and calling more numbers than ever before in their life. They'd tried everything, called all the baseball nets in Columbus, every single hospital, tracked down the numbers of all the homeless charities that worked in the area and absolutely nobody had seen a red haired boy. Hell, they'd even called up all the pharmacies within 100 miles and not a single person recognised their description. In a way it should have been a relief that he hadn't been back for pills, but it wasn't, none of it was.

All Tyler wanted to hear was that somebody had found their new friend and was taking care of them, but no, he had seemingly vanished off the face of the Earth. And Tyler had no way of calling up any of Josh's old teammates or finding out his chef's contact details because Josh didn't have any social media at all. It was fair enough considering he couldn't read, however it made Tyler's job 1000x harder. After spending a solid 40 minutes scrolling through household staff websites for companies who had Ohio offices, they had eventually tracked down a private chef by the name of Joel Lodge, who lived in Cleveland. His profile was vague but there were only 3 other Joels on the site, who were easily eliminated, and honestly Tyler was getting desperate. So they punched in the number to their phone, only to be met with an answerphone message stating Joel and some girl, Emma?, were in LA for a week but would check their inbox once they returned home and to leave a message after the beep. And so Tyler left a message, hung up, then cried themselves to sleep.

"Granny, the phone's ringing," Zack sniffled and brought Tyler back to the present.  
"So it is, so it is." She said then got out of Dad's armchair with a groan to follow the noise in the hallway. Tyler watched her walk out then met Zack's eyes.  
"You good?"  
"Yeh," they whispered.  
"Zacky?! How do these house telephones of yours work?" Granny shouted from the hall.  
"Press the green answer button!"  
"Got it! Thank you Zacky!"

"Sounds like James when she calls me that." Zack said more quietly and slowly to Tyler. "Next thing she'll be asking me to play cars with her."  
"Sorry about him."  
"Nah nah, s'fine, he's sweet, I like him,"   
"He likes you too." Tyler told him truthfully, then let him get back to watching the game. It was only a couple more seconds until Granny rejoined them, but didn't sit down.

"Everything okay?"   
"That was Jay's elementary school, he's thrown up in class so I've got to go pick him up. Are my lovely boys going to be okay for 30 minutes if I drive to collect him?"  
"Yeah we'll be okay. Is Maddy alright?" Tyler asked.  
"Maddy's a girl, we've always been tougher." Granny laughed. "I won't be too long, look after each other."  
"Will do Granny, bye,"  
"Bye."

"Does that mean it's your turn to wait on me hand and foot now?" Zack asked once Granny left.   
"Think she actually meant it was your turn to wait on us hand and foot."  
"Hmmmmm, I dunno about that Ty."  
"Just kidding, do you need something?"  
"A bottle of water?"  
"There's one next to you, or do you want a colder one." Tyler said, a little concerned that Zack hadn't seen the bottle literally right beside his face on the side table.  
"Oh, um, when did that get there?"  
"Granny put it there about 5 minutes ago."  
"She did?"  
"Yeah, and announced it."  
"Oh,"  
"Don't worry, you're just tired. Drink up then have another nap if you'd like."  
"Thanks Ty, you'rethebest," Zack yawned as he closed his eyes and didn't open them again for several hours.

 

 

  
If this was the mid 14th century and they lived in England, Johnny was quite sure the exterior of their home would be marked with a Black Death cross to warn off others that the inhabitants had the bubonic plague. A form of quarantine as such. Although of course their family was not infected with Yersinia pestis and were not on the brink of death, but at times it felt like it.

Granny had returned with Jay and immediately the youngest Joseph had climbed onto the couch next to Johnny and cuddled them under the comforter. Johnny was not a massive fan of physical contact, in fact he would go as far as to say he hated it, however the rest of the system pleaded with him to allow Jay to find comfort in his arms, and so it was permitted.

Jay was little, far too little to be able to recognise the different alters or understand that Tyler had a mental health condition. However he was also too little to be told about rape, so he was the only member of their immediate family who didn't look at them with a mixture of pity combined with fear and concern at all times. It annoyed them when he called them the wrong name, but it was better than 'the look'.

"Why did they stop?" Jay asked quietly and inquisitively about the basketball game running on the TV.  
"He was blocking him which is a foul so the ref needs to tell him off." Dad explained.

Although Jay didn't get sick often, it was more usual to see him cuddled up to someone on the couch than to see Dad in the same position. He'd spent the whole day at work because he simply couldn't afford to take a sick day, however as soon as he got home he slipped his shoes and tie off and climbed straight under the blankets that Zack was also buried under.

It was strange for Johnny, not only because Dad had his own armchair that he always always sat in, but also because it was difficult to see him so clearly unwell and feel responsible for the fact he still had to work a 10 hours shift. Their meds were the reason he had to work so hard and also the reason he was so drained, practically collapsing onto the sofa the moment he got home.

Mom had arrived home only minutes later, accompanied by a babbling Maddy who had just completed an extended basketball practice and was bubbling from it. Johnny supposed Granny was right, girls were tougher, neither of them were even remotely sick. Not fair.

"Johnny,"  
"Mmm?" They turned to see Mom poking her head round the door and looking at them.  
"Just got a call from Miss Draper-"  
"They found Josh? Is he okay? Can Tyler see him? Is he at home or-"  
"Johnny, Johnny listen, they haven't found him yet. She just wanted us to know that the police are involved now and they may want to take a statement from you in the morning."  
"Oh,"  
"However if you don't feel up to it or you don't want to then that's okay, she just wanted to give us time to get you prepared if that's something you'd like to do."  
"No, witness statements are vital pieces of evidence that can help put together a clearer image of what took place. I'll do it."  
"Well it wouldn't be you, Johnny, it would have to be Tyler. Tyler's words and therefore Tyler's choice." Mom explained what Johnny already knew deep down, but they didn't get a chance to answer because the door bell rang and she left to answer.

"Don't worry kiddo, he'll turn up."  
"We hope so," Johnny sighed in response to their father, then the room went quiet again as they all watched the Cavs game. They weren't particularly interested in the game, basketball seemed completely pointless if they were honest, so instead they tuned into the sounds of Mom opening the door.

"Good e-evening Mrs Joseph, I, I'm s-sssorry, I, I, I, I di-idnt know where else to g-o,"  
"Josh?" Mom replied in shock and Tyler was off the couch and sprinting to the door quicker than they'd ever moved in their life before.

Sure enough Josh was stood there, dripping wet from the typical Ohio downpour, shaking like a leaf. Tyler immediately threw themselves at him in what was intended as a hug but was almost a takedown.  
"Thank God you're here," was all they managed to say as they squeezed the soaking teen, who didn't hug back but instead broke down and began to sob into their shoulder. And they stood like that for what felt like an eternity, Tyler gripping him tight and not caring as their pyjamas absorbed the cold water coming from their friend's ripped and muddied clothes. He wept, he didn't just cry but he wept and sobbed and completely collapsed in Tyler's arms, and Tyler had to resist the urge to follow in his footsteps and let out a tidal wave of emotion of their own.

"Come on, come in Josh, let's get you of the cold and into something dry," Mom eventually put an end to it and ushered them into the kitchen, but it didn't stop Josh from gasping shaky breaths as he took shaky steps just ahead of Tyler.   
"Mom? What's going on?" Maddy looked up from where she had just finished eating her dinner, confusion decorating her face.  
"Sweetheart would you mind running upstairs and grabbing some of Tyler's clothes from the ironing basket and a towel for us?"  
"Oh, um, sure." The young girl nodded then ran off to retrieve the items as her mom helped Josh sit on one of the chairs.

"I need to call Miss Draper to tell her you're safe with us and after I'll get you a hot drink, and then we'll talk darling." Mom said to him calmly, reaching out and squeezing his arm reassuringly then leaving to make the call. Tyler sat down opposite his barely recognisable friend, relieved he was safe but scared to find out what had happened during the 60 or so hours he'd been missing.

"I'm s-orryyy,"  
"Hey hey hey, you've got nothing to be sorry for okay? I'm just so relieved you're here and you're safe, you had us all worried sick." Tyler hushed him. "What happened Josh?"  
"I, I, I nee, I need-ed it to s-sstop."  
"Okay. Josh, I'm not angry, I just need to know whether you're in danger now. Did you do anything to try and make it stop?" They asked calmly, like their mother used to ask them. Josh didn't say anything, just sniffed and rolled up his wet sleeves to reveal the skin on both wrists was cut up and sliced and torn in various directions with various depths and severities, and it took all of Tyler's willpower to stop Andrew fronting to protect him from the trigger.

"Here, is this okay?" Maddy walked back in carrying some warm clothes for Josh, who had immediately hidden his arms away.  
"Perfect, thank you, can you do me one more favour Mads? There's a green box under the sink in the bathroom, it's got a white cross on the front and says first aid, can you grab that too please?"  
"Yeh okay." She nodded then left them alone once again.

"Ssssoorrryy,"  
"Shh, Josh, Josh it's okay I promise, you're here now and you're safe, and we're going to look after you and make this better, just try to calm down."  
"Ty what's going on sweetie? Maddy gave me this?" Mom walked back in holding the first aid kit.  
"His wrists."  
"Ah okay, let me see darling." She said, taking Tyler's seat across from the crying teen. "Please Josh, I'll be gentle." She encouraged him when he was clearly anxious about revealing his wounds, but Tyler gave him a reassuring nod and he slowly unfolded his arms for inspection.

"Hmmm, okay, yeah, okay, what did you do this with Josh?" Mom asked, used to dealing with Tyler's wounds so knowing what she was looking at and how to treat them.   
"Um, a uh, thorns, glass and a p-pair of sci-i-ssors I f-ound,"  
"You found? Were they rusty?"  
"A bi-it," he sniffed tearfully as she held his wrists in her arms.   
"Have you had your tetanus shot Josh?"  
"Last y-year,"  
"Okay good, well I'll clean these up and dress them but you need to tell me right away if you feel your jaw start to lock up because that could mean the tetanus bacteria's in your system and I'll need to take you to the hospital."  
"O-okay, thhhank you Mrs J-Joseph,"  
"Call me Kelly." She smiled as she unzipped the first aid kid and began getting out gauzes.

"Ty sweetie, do you want to get our guest something to drink? Something hot."  
"Yeah, would you like a hot chocolate Josh?" Tyler asked, flicking the kettle on to warm some water.  
"Th-thank you,"  
"Would you like to get changed before I dress your arms? You're a fair bit stronger than my Ty but I'm sure his clothes will still fit you. If you'd feel more comfortable with privacy then there's a bathroom I can show you to." Mom offered and Josh nodded tearfully so she picked up the pile of clothes plus the towel and lead the way. Tyler meanwhile spooned hot chocolate powder into a mug and poured the water before it boiled so that it wasn't too hot. Their mom reentered as they were mixing it and placing it at Josh's seat at the table, and pulled them into a hug.

"You did so well angel, looking at his wrists, you did so well." She whispered supportively. "I'm so proud of you all, you're doing so well."  
"Thanks Mom,"  
"You've come so far and I'm so proud of you, you're amazing, all of you."  
"Is he going to be okay?" Tyler asked their mom nervously as she stroked their back.  
"As long as they don't get infected then the cuts will be fine, he'll have scars but they'll fade. As for his mental health, we'll help him and we'll get him professional help and we'll make sure that he's okay."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *cough* one chapter plus epilogue left *cough*


	17. Chapter 17

The first time Josh had slept over, Tyler had blown up a mattress and slept on that so to give him some space. However that second night, after his breakdown and disappearance and self harming episode, Tyler slept right beside their troubled friend in the same bed and spent the majority of the night watching him.

Josh hadn't spoken much at all. Mom had cleaned and butterfly stitched and covered each of his many cuts with gauze and tape, then she finalised her 'treatment' by wrapping both his arms in bandages from knuckles to elbow and taping them tight. Throughout the process he was silent.

Their mom hadn't pushed him to explain himself or his whereabouts, understanding he was fragile. However Tyler was struggling to be as patient and was desperate to probe him with every question that had arisen over the past few days as they attempted and failed to track him down. But no, they had to wait for Josh to come to them with that information, just like he came to them literally.

He had asked one question, dared to raise his voice above a whisper for a brief moment to ask after his younger brother. Once Zack explained the stupid Snapchat selfies they'd been sending each other since Jordan had woken up enough, Josh began crying all over again.

That had been the theme for the night, crying, and Tyler felt completely useless because there was nothing they could say or do to calm him down. Eventually he cried himself into a state of sheer exhaustion that couldn't be fought off, but even sleep didn't silence his whimpers immediately.

And now, the early hours of the morning, Tyler wasn't concerned by the closed curtains that would sometimes render them hysterical, instead they were watching their red haired friend and praying he had found some solace.

Their gaze was replaced with a frown as Josh began to stir, twisting and panicking and gasping.  
"Shhh, Josh, Josh calm down, you're okay, shh,"  
"Argh- oh, oh sorry, phew, sorry," he startled himself awake then managed to slowly calm himself down as he took in his surroundings under Tyler's worried supervision.

"Just take a moment to breathe, everything else can wait." Tyler gave the line that they themselves had received so many times.   
"I'm sorry,"  
"Stop apologising, it's all okay,"  
"I, I just showed up, and, a-and you let me in, let me stay?" He seemed to process anxiously.  
"Course we did, we're Josephs, that's what we do." They smiled at him. "And we're always here if you need someone to turn to or someplace to go."  
"Oh, right, thanks."

"Actually, speaking about families, we got a message from yours via Miss Draper after you fell asleep last night."  
"It's fine, don't pretend they care." He sighed as he rubbed his eye with his bandaged hand.  
"They do Josh, they just said that Jordan's not well enough for them to leave the hospital just yet so they'll meet you at home once he's discharged."  
"S'just an excuse, but uh, thanks,"  
"I think it's a valid reason, Jordan had major surgery, I know you need your parents right now but they're in an impossible situation and I'm afraid there's no easy option for them. If you don't feel you're safe going home without their support then don't, stay here with us until Jordan's home and they're home." Tyler tried to say supportively but the words seemed to cut Josh deeply and his eyes began to well once again, a single tear escaping.

"Is it Jordan? Zack's got his number, you can call him, speak to him, hear that he's okay and getting stronger by the day."   
"S'not him, s'my parents," he whispered sadly, mopping up his tears with his white bandage. "They hate me,"  
"They don't hate you,"  
"They do Ty, they hate meee," he broke down into those familiar sobs that broke their heart, and they shuffled across and pulled him into a hug. Tyler stroked his back slowly and let him cry, guessing it was probably just best for him to get it out of his system.

"Morning guys, oh Josh darling, still not feeling much better?" Mom entered their bedroom and saw the friends hugging.   
"I-I'm sorry M-Mrs Jo-oseph,"   
"Josh, handsome, never apologise for being upset. Is there anything Ty or I can do?"  
"N-no, I, I don't think so," he gulped as he let go of them.  
"How about one of Ty's other alters? They-"  
"Mom!" Tyler cut her off, horrified she had just outed them and desperate for Josh to have not heard her. They wanted to do this at their pace, not be thrown in the deep end.

"Do you not know Josh?"  
"Know what?" He sniffed.  
"Tyler sweetheart why haven't you told Josh?"  
"Because I was looking for the right time!" They exclaimed annoyed.  
"Well should I give you some time now?"   
"Fine,"  
"Meet me downstairs for breakfast whenever you're ready, take your time." She smiled as she left Tyler with a pounding heart and a silently crying friend.

"You don't have to listen to my thing if you want to talk about your parents, I don't mind."  
"You, um, you wanted to talk on Saturday, and, a-and, and you didn't because I was talking too much. S'your turn."   
"Sure?"  
"Yeh." Josh nodded, wiping tears becoming a background activity as he turned his attention to Tyler.

"So, um, don't suppose you know what DID is?"   
"No,"  
"Stands for dissociative identity disorder, it's a mental health condition I've got." Tyler tried to say bravely.  
"Right,"  
"Back when I, uh, when I was dating Michael and things weren't going so great, when he was hitting me, I started to develop this alter ego as such? He was a brave protective version of me and he didn't take any of Micky, of Michael's shit. The name Andrew arose from somewhere and I liked becoming Andrew. In my room at home I would channel this Andrew ego in front of the mirror and I would come up with all these speeches I was going to tell Michael and how I was going to stick up for myself."  
"Yeah,"  
"Andrew disappeared when I was with Michael, but for a couple of minutes he gave me strength and a sense of power during a really difficult time."  
"I understand." Josh nodded.

"And then after the trauma, the rape, I lost myself. I was broken, I was fractured, me, my personality was split up,"  
"Right," he listened closely.   
"For a while all those pieces of me, they just sort of scattered and I was numb and empty and a shell of my former self, but then they started coming back. So I started getting my parts back, but they didn't gel together anymore, they stayed separate."  
"How do you mean?"  
"So Andrew, he's my protective side who feels no fear and always does what he believes in regardless of consequences. And I developed new ones too, all my anger and vengeful feelings manifested into someone called Blurryface. My self hatred and suicidal urges became Cassie. The part of me who needs answers and wants the truth and the facts and the explanations, that's Johnny. And those last untainted uncorrupted depths of innocence, he's called James." Tyler explained anxiously, not mentioning Willow since they didn't really understand her themselves yet and didn't seem fair to expect Josh to get it too.

"I, I don't understand, who are these people?"  
"They're me Josh, they're us." They shrugged nervously, praying the next words wouldn't be a slap in the face or worse, laughter.

"Who, who's Tyler?"  
"I'm the host, that's the technical term, but I'm who I was before the trauma. Not exactly the same, but getting stronger by the day, learning new things about myself all the time."  
"I'm sorry Ty, I'm, I'm trying to get it but it's just not clicking, you're Tyler but Tyler's made up of these different egos?"  
"Sort of, yeah. They're not egos, they're alters and I'm one of the alters. I sometimes like to explain it as a car? So the car is our body, and the collective name for all the people inside is the system. Everyone's got a seat except some people sit closer to the front because they like to have more of an input on where the car goes, so Tyler James and Andrew in our case, then the others sit in the back. Who ever is in the driving seat is in control, and at the moment that's Tyler, but it changes, and we say that that alter is fronting."  
"Hmm," Josh hummed, playing with the bandage covering his left thumb and avoiding eye contact, and Tyler resisted the urge to cry because he hated them. They should have known better, nobody liked a rape victim, nobody liked a loony, nobody likes them.

"Remind me? Of the people."   
"Tyler, Andrew, Johnny, James, Blurryface and Cassie. There's also a new one, Willow, but we don't know her very well yet."  
"You don't know someone inside your own head?"  
"She's new, she's shy,"  
"Relatable." Josh mumbled but Tyler was weirdly reassured by it, Josh, Josh was getting it?

"So, so um, so when the fronting one changes, that's a choice? You choose who fronts?"  
"It's complicated. Usually whoever's fronting gets to decide if they abdicate, but sometimes the alter can force their way to the steering wheel. And then sometimes if we're sick or if something scary or stressful or triggering is happening then it's chaos and everyone's grabbing for control so we switch rapidly."  
"Damn, this is complicated." He sighed but Tyler gave him time to process it all. "And when you change, you switch, what happens?"  
"What do you mean?"  
"Like do you blackout or anything?"  
"Sometimes we zone out for a moment whilst things settle down, but no, usually we just flick."

"So how do people know?"  
"Most people don't, my closest friends and family just know the different personalities and recognise us."  
"Are there any, um, like ways to tell? Specific traits?"  
"You wanna know about us?" They smiled and he nodded. "The easiest one to identify is James I think. He's the innocent one, and he's also our little one, he's 4 years old and acts like it. Obsessed with cars?"  
"They can be different ages?"  
"Yeah, and different genders. They've all got their own beliefs and likes and dislikes, they're each their own person after all."  
"Mmm," Josh thought about it.

"And how about the others? Cassie? Is she a girl one?"  
"Yeh,"  
"What's she like?"  
"Suicidal." They shrugged again. "We don't really let her front because she self harms whenever she physically can and that can obviously be dangerous, however if she is gonna front then we make sure we're not alone. Actually the best person with her is Jenna, she's amazing with all of us but Jenna is the only external that Cassie has ever really bonded with? She does her make up and lets her borrow cliche gossip magazines and stereotypical girl stuff like that, distracts her from the harming urges."

"Why's she a girl? S-sorry if that came off as offensive or intrusive or anything, but why is she a girl and the rest guys?"  
"Well Willow's a girl, but I don't really know anything about her. As for Cassie, it's something I've thought about a lot actually. Back before I started dating Michael and all of the Hell that came with that, I was quite feminine. I wasn't ever questioning my gender, it wasn't that sort of thing, it was just more that I didn't fit in the masculine mould that other guys did. I used to wear floral kimonos and paint my nails every now and then, and I've got quite a high pitch voice and I'm just generally quite effeminate. And I never had a problem with that until I started high school, then suddenly it became something I was very self conscious and insecure about. So I think that why Cassie's a girl, she represents my insecurities alongside my self hatred, and a part of that is my gender role."  
"Wow, okay." Josh listened and nodded.

"I do want to know more about the other alters but before I forget, I've got a question?"  
"Go ahead, ask us anything."  
"Jenna. Does she date you or your whole, uh, your whole group?"   
"System. That's another complicated one. Technically she just dates me, however she's a firm believer that we come as a package and you can't pick and choose the bits you want to deal with. So we call each other boyfriend and girlfriend, however when she's not talking about my alter specifically, she calls us collectively her significant others."   
"Right,"  
"All the other alters only regard her as a friend, after all they're different people with different desires. However sometimes things get tricky or mixed up, so we might accidentally switch during a date and suddenly one of the others is on the date with her. Or perhaps more seriously than that, a past history of sexual abuse can make sex difficult for obvious reasons; Jenna would never ever try and convince me to do anything with her, it's only ever if I suggest it and fully convince her that I'm stable enough to enjoy it. Even when we're incredibly careful, sometimes things can go wrong and I might feel a little panicked or triggered during the act and Andrew swoops in to protect me, but suddenly he's having sex with my girlfriend."   
"Oh, does she mind?"  
"Not really." They shook their head. "She does in so far that feels guilty that I'm in a bad place where I need to be protected, but she's never mad or upset we switched, we were just doing what's best to protect the whole system."   
"So it's not cheating?"  
"No no,"  
"Right," he hummed, thinking deeply.

"Any other questions for now?"  
"So, um, so this just popped into my head, but with regards to in the eyes of the law? You're what, you're 1 person or 7? And with like driving licenses and stuff."  
"Nother complicated one. Technically we're one, like we've only got one social security number and we don't have a license but if we did then it would just be with Tyler on it. However that being said, we got caught up in some legal proceedings last year and got off the charges with an insanity plea."  
"Oh shit. W-what happened? If, if you don't mind."  
"You know Ryan? The guy you put in hospital?"  
"Yeh I know Ryan," he sighed.  
"Well we did one better than you. You punched, we tried to stab him, plus 2 other classmates because we were on an adrenaline high. And yeah, apparently the police aren't a massive fan of that. Nobody got hurt, we got tackled pretty sharpish, however they had me on trial for attempted murder."  
"You did that? O-or the others?"  
"Nah that was Blurryface, he's our angry guy, he hasn't fronted since that episode and we've basically banished him to the backseat. So that means we've gotta put up with him being an asshole but nobody else does."  
"Wow, right, okay." Josh played with his bandage more as Tyler let him think about it. Usually they didn't tell people about that when they first explained DID because it didn't exactly help the crazy killer stereotypes, but Tyler wanted to be honest and Josh was asking questions he wanted answers to.

"So you can do that?"  
"Do what?" Tyler asked.  
"Send the people away, stop them taking charge."  
"Yeh, well, basically. Blurryface was quite a difficult one to hold off because he knew exactly what he wanted and he didn't care who he hurt to achieve that, including internals. So it took all of the other alters binding together as a shield to keep him out and it was really difficult for a long time, we all struggled and paid the price, you know, panic attacks and that sort of thing, but ultimately it was worth it because he's dangerous. The others I can hold back pretty easily, if they're really desperate to be in control then it can take quite a lot of concentration but yeah, I can do it."  
"So why don't you? No offence or anything but why not just be Tyler?"  
"I like it," they shrugged honestly. "This happened for a reason, the attack broke me but this was my body's solution and it works. I think sometimes I need it too. I need to be able to relax and let go of everything and enjoy childish innocence, and I can do that through James. I need protecting sometimes, so I need Andrew. I needed someone to take my anger away from me and that's what Blurry did, so I need him. I have a lot of questions that don't really have answers, and so I need someone like Johnny to rationalise the things I'm thinking. And Cassie, I need Cassie, Cassie takes away my own suicidal thoughts and makes them her own, and so if I don't let her front then I don't feel suicidal, and I need that."  
"Yeh,"

"All those emotions and fears and experiences forced into one person, Tyler, it would be too much for me. Breaking them up means I can distance myself from them and deal with them, and no, it's not always that easy, but it is getting easier and I am getting better. Better doesn't necessarily mean that my condition is going away, it just means that I'm safer and I'm happier. DID, it may be an illness but it saved my life, and I like it."  
"I think, I think I get it." Josh smiled.

 

 

 

Tyler's treehouse had a little platform on the outside of the main den, and Josh was offered it as a place to sit and think. From his perched spot he could occasionally see the owner checking through the window that he hadn't run off again or perhaps jumped. The height wouldn't have killed him, but it probably wouldn't have felt great.

Josh told himself he wasn't going to cry again, he wasn't, he'd done enough over the past week to last him a lifetime. It had easily been the craziest and the worst week of his life, and he didn't understand any way it would get better but that wasn't a reason to cry. As Tyler and Mrs Joseph both said, breathe first, everything else could wait.

Mrs Joseph had done a good job of patching him up, two thick bandages taped with no loose ends and no slack, and no pins to potentially hurt himself with. He was grateful for her caring touch, and yet that touch felt so foreign. Not only was that the first time he'd self harmed, it was also the first time someone had taken the time to be gentle and loving and nurturing when he was hurt, rather than use his pain as a teaching moment. She mothered him in a way his mother never had.

Self harm wounds. It was another concept that, up until recently, he'd never even imagined associating with himself. And yet there he sat, on the side of a treehouse with dozens of self inflicted cuts hidden under the white protection. It hadn't been self harm initially, it had been a suicide attempt. After Ashley added that final straw onto the fragile camel's back, he collapsed and ran and ran and ran until the asphalt ran out and the woods began. Once in those woods, the trees slowed his running but not his mind, and when the rusted silver glint of a pair of abandoned scissors caught his eye, he was overthrown by the thoughts. They were desperately dug into his wrist but the blade wasn't sharp enough to pierce what needed to be pierced, and instead left shallow scrapes. And after all, the scrapes were better than nothing.

Staying in the woods, he wandered aimlessly whilst sobbing hysterically for hours before stumbling across a broken bottle. Again he attempted with the glass, again he failed, again he fell back on punishing himself until he would finally able to succeed, but there was nothing. He searched those woods for hours, days in fact, but not a single item arose that could be used to end the turmoil.

He went without food or water or sleep, and towards the last few hours of his 'adventure' he had half consciously tripped and snagged himself on a thorn bush and the pain it stimulated was addictive. The thorns were small but he was determined to make the wounds substantial. Then the rain began. It was, to him at least, God's attempt at pathetic fallacy or the universe sending him a sign that things were only going to get worse. So he ended his search for death in the trees and returned to civilisation for an alternative method. The plan had been a car, jump in front of the highway, at least that way his parents could perhaps hide the shame of suicide with the cover story of a car accident. But no such luck. For some reason the stupid drivers always swerved and eventually he gave up. He gave up, just like everyone else had given up on him, and staggered the route to Tyler's house to be greeted with open arms. Literally.

And now, sat up above the tiny garden below, Josh was completely lost as to what was going on and where he went next. His parents had been trying to kick him out for getting suspended, so it was fair to say that he was no longer a member of the family considering he'd given his brother a heart attack. The fact that Jordan, thankfully, had pulled through the ordeal would in no way shape or form lead to Josh being invited back. If he was honest, he doubted his possessions were still in his room. He could picture it so clearly, a guest suite in place of his and a trash can full of his things. Maybe they'd save him a backpack of clothes to take on his way, most likely not.

So if he couldn't live at home, where did that leave him? There were plenty of other houses under their possession that he could stay in, however instinct told him that security on each property would be increased and his entry would be refused. So no place to live. And that made Josh think back to what his father had told him moments before they uncovered Jordan with no pulse - need to be able to write to get a job and you need a job to eat, so he'd starve to death as a homeless person.

No, there had to be another option. Baseball was looking unlikely, but maybe there was some sort of development program somewhere in the country that he could potentially get onto. It didn't matter that if made him miserable. Although he hadn't played in over a week and, if his father always told him the truth, that meant he would have lost his knack by now.

Military maybe? He couldn't read the website to see what the requirements there were, but he did know that he was fit enough and strong enough to become a soldier. And they had housing facilities for people in basic training, he'd get a salary and food. Hey, if he was lucky he might even get shot in the head.

It was pointless trying to plan his future when he wasn't even convinced that he wanted one, period. The only glimmer of hope was Tyler.

Tyler was insane, there was no other way of putting it, he was convinced that he had 6 other people living inside his head and they could make him do things and act certain ways, and all this other mumbo jumbo. He was insane. And yet, and yet there was a part of Josh that believed him.

There was no way to explain it, not really, but Tyler had done a damn good job and Josh understood exactly where he was coming from. It didn't necessarily make sense and he was yet to experience any of these other alters, but he was curious. Maybe it was selfish nosiness, he liked to tell himself that it was because he wanted to find out more so that he could help, but the truth was that he didn't know. He didn't know anything. He didn't know whether this condition was real or whether Tyler was really as nice as he seemed or whether this was an accident waiting to happen, but that curiosity was incentive to stick around a little longer. In the house and on this earth.

"HEY! JOSH!" A voice called from the back door, and they looked down to see Tyler stood there. The phone was gone from his ear which meant his happy conversation with Jenna was over.  
"Yeah?"  
"I'm cooking my brothers some pasta for lunch, do you want some?"  
"Um, yes please!"  
"Alright, 10 minutes and it will be done!"  
"Thank you!" He shouted back, then watched as he disappeared inside the house.

That guy was too nice, maybe he was insane in another sense. After everything that had happened and was happening, in spite of it all, he still had the kindest heart of anyone he had ever met. There he was, visible from the kitchen window, rustling up some lunch for his sick siblings and dancing to some music that Josh couldn't hear. He was smiling and happy, and if he could be happy, maybe, just maybe Josh could be happy too?


	18. Epilogue

~~Epilogue~~  Sequel?


End file.
